Types of Mothers I Love to Hate - Part 1

It's 7:40 pm and my kids, having begged for an hour for a computer game, are now happily killing the keyboard with their fingers while laughing hysterically at the monitor. And since that is about as close to 'peace and quiet' I'm going to come this long weekend, I figured why not blog? Good idea? I think so.

So, I've had a number of topics running around in my head the last few days, from the whole Twilight series and the obsession over this Edward Cullen character, or how my kids have been trying to convince me they came from outer space and not my uterus, to my new hair cut and how I hate myself for not getting it cut sooner. But none of that will be typed out today, because of something I really need to just get out into the open and laugh about. Mothers!! Or rather, certain types of mothers. You know what I'm talking about, because I'm sure you've encountered at least one of these kinds of moms who bring a whole new meaning to the word 'annoying'.

I'm going to start with the 'Goddess Mamma' and probably continue with the rest in posts over the next few weeks.

The Goddess Mamma - This is a particular breed of mother not anyone can compete with. She was handed 'The Goddess Mothering Manual' when she was born... right after the doctor slapped her butt. She is so perfect, she actually has this glowing light which surrounds her everywhere she goes. For one thing, she looks perfect, always perfect, frustratingly perfect. Her hair, clothes, make-up and shoes look fresh and mostly new at all times, and she swears she NEVER has time to really dress up or take care of herself. Her kids are also perfect... little gods and goddesses in the making. They always wear beautifully coordinated clothes and matching shoes when they go out to not play. On the off chance they're allowed to touch something, their Goddess Mamma disinfects it first with Clorox wipes. They never jump on your couch, and never need to be reminded to say "Please" or "Thank you" from when they're two years old.

The Goddess Mamma claims to never suffer from stress, never feel overwhelmed by motherhood, never have a problem raising her perfect little gods and goddess offspring. She's a fantastic cook, her breast milk flowed perfectly, she maintained an active sex life with her husband only a week after she brought her first baby home from the hospital, her house could be featured in home decor magazines and her kids will one day write international bestsellers titled "My Stolen Childhood" or "What Lay Beneath the Facade of Perfection."

If you know such a mother, it's best you find other friends because she will never think you're good enough. And you're really not good enough... you allow your children to eat sugar cookies for heaven's sakes... sometimes right before dinner. And... AND.... you will never think it's NOT OK to wear sweat pants when you take your kids to the park. How dare you mere mortal you even THINK you are worthy of her friendship? Curl up into a ball and die why don't you! You're pathetic! Or sneak into her house and check out her closet... I will bet you anything it's a holy mess and probably stinks.. but don't let her catch you snooping. I'm certain you never know what might make her snap, kill you and bury your remains under the perfect Petunia bed in her garden.

I decided to let her head my list of 'Types of Mothers I love to Hate'

Next up 'The Wimpy Mamma.' Stay tuned... and thanks for stopping by.

Disclaimer: Some mothers reading this may find themselves in one or more categories. If you decide to let anything I say offend you, well, I really don't give a crap because I'll probably find myself in one or more categories as well. So, grow a thicker skin , or leave me a comment and have a nice day!


Caba said...

Well, it's fairly obvious that I am the mother who prompted this post. Because I am perfect. As are my children. And my hair.

Michelle said...

Gee Anne .. why don't you tell us how you REALLY feel ! lol Love it .. I cant wait to read more.

Jenny Georgio-who said...

This is hilarious. It kind of reminds me of a series of posts that Dani C did on momscrazylife.com. The entire series had me cracking up laughing, as did this first series. I look forward to the rest of the installments on this!

Don't Be a Slut said...

Really funny.