Thank Goodness It's Over!

I just got done with reading Breaking Dawn, the last book in the Twilight saga. And, I'm so happy because my curiosity has been sated and mainly because I never have to read those books again. My initial rant a couple of days back was just that, a rant. Now, I'm just uneasy thinking about all those young girls who are obsessed with these books (having not read other books to begin with). I don't know what this Meyers chick was thinking sending out all these ridiculous messages all wrapped up in "perfect love" to teenagers.

Rarely do I have a problem with books, and I'm completely against banning them and all that crap, but seriously... Apparently 85% of teen girls think this series is based on a true story? WHAT? And, there are mothers who have bonded with their daughters because of this series? Is that how shallow grown women have become? Or is this whole marble cock crazy shit going too far?

What is wrong with those stupid women?

They consider this whole control shit acceptable. This Edward vampire completely taking over a teenage girl's life, sneaking into her room to watch her sleep, listening in on her conversations, all but choosing her friends, telling her where she can and cannot go, following her around, having his family hold her captive in his house is nice? It's love? He's supposedly protecting her from all sorts of dangers when he himself is the biggest threat to her... WTF?

The character of Bella is pathetic... 100% completely and totally pathetic. She has zero self-esteem (even though she can clearly make friends within minutes and have half the guys in school falling all over her as soon as they see her) and considers herself too plain and downright sad compared to the startling beauty of her 17 year old male vampire love interest. And she can't live without him... Nope, not a chance. The first time she falls in love it's completely OK to want to give up her entire life for this guy, and not have the ability or desire to live without him. Cliff jumping is clearly the way to go when your boyfriend dumps you... because you couldn't manage to kill yourself by restoring and riding a motorcycle. Again WTF?

Later, they wait to have sex till they're married (even though she doesn't WANT to get married, but he forced her so what the hell, she'll just do it because he's the bestest) and on their honeymoon, covered in purple bruises after their night of love, she's happy and wants to do it again. Hmmm I can SO see myself "bonding" with my daughter over something like that.... NOT.

On and on it goes, with this sad, sad girl supposedly making her own choices, which are really not choices at all, just idiotic bullshit at it's finest. She gets knocked up by her vampire husband and decides to risk her life to have the baby/vampire. Is it just me or is there some serious religious bullshit being shoved down young girls throats in this saga?

A love story aimed to interest this generation, some light and fun reading for the millions of young girls out there. Two characters who captivate their prey as they were meant to, with a blend of fantasy and just the right touch of familiarity to keep them hooked. As a woman who has loved, lost and loved again, I find it ludicrous. As a parent I find the messages in there a little chilling.

Twilight

OK, so I'm almost done with Breaking Dawn, (fourth in the Twilight series) now because the need to know what was so appealing in these books finally got to me. It's interesting enough... good story line too. BUT I DO NOT SEE the fascination with Edward Cullen. WHAT appeal for the love of all things magical? NOTHING, nada, zilch. Not for me at least.

Edward frickin Cullen is. a. CONTROL freak, so what's to like? He's 17 physically and over 70 mentally, and he falls for a 17 year old virgin? What's to like? He all but destroys the best part of her teenage years, so what's to like? His skin is like marble... Marble? Couldn't there be another word to describe skin? What's to frickin LIKE? I am totally convinced that any female who find this character so completely intoxicating has a few marbles loose, or is about 14 mentally with no exposure to the real world. Sheesh!

And Bella is insane. NO life. Edward this, Edward that. Edward spend every night with me watching me sleep, then be with me in school all day, then come home with me and stay till you have to leave, then sneak in my window and repeat last night. I don't want friends, I don't want an education, I don't want a relationship with my parents (but I will cook food for my father every night for some stupid reason) Oh and I want to have sex with you but I have to wait because you want me to wait till we're married. And WHY? Because you clearly do not move with the times my lovable marble like maniac... You're a blood thirsty killer, BUT, you think chastity is important before marriage.

Arrgh... I see a series of Twilight posts coming up in the next week or so. I have to rant it out here... J is so sick of listening to me snort with disgust, spit tacks and spew my immortal venom at him when I can't keep it in any longer.

Types of Mothers I Love to Hate - Part 2

Now for my rant about my second favorite (and probably most frustrating) type of mom I love to hate.

The Wimpy Mamma

This type of mom doesn't usually have a full head of hair, since most of it falls out in chunks from all the stress she suffers. Reason? Her two or less children are brats. And please don't go saying they're not because they really and truly are. These little people learned how powerful a well timed whine is from when they were just beginning to sit up as babies. It got their wimpy mamma rushing to their cribs with all sorts of treats to keep them happy and prevent a headache from attacking her. Before they hit the age of two, they're pros at control and manipulation and their mother is a wreck.

This is the woman who brings her kids over to your house for a play date, and they proceed to break every breakable thing in sight, rip pages out of your kids favorite books to make confetti, raid your fridge, kick your dog and fling the well laid out snacks you painstakingly prepared, all around your living room. They do all this within ten minutes of entering your home, while their wimpy mother either tries to distract you, or pleads with them to "not be so naughty."

I hate wimpy mothers, but I also feel sorry for them. One time, I attempted to talk just such a wimp into growing some spine. I was not successful. She was terrified at the thought of implementing some discipline into her regular parenting schedule. "But he listens so well if I reason with him" she said all doe eyed, in defense of her angel faced but spawned by the devil 5 year old. And by that she meant bargaining with him when he demanded a reward for not going back and kicking the shit out of a three year old in the playground. "He needs to learn there are consequences for bad behavior" I said with all the wisdom of a veteran mother of two four year olds. "But how?" She wanted to know, wringing her hands. "Take away privileges, send him to his room, time out... ANYTHING" I snapped back. "But... but what if he gets angry and hates me?" she whispered. Right there I decided to go more easy on my kids for bad behavior... I was a HORRIBLE mother... They probably hated my guts.

Thank goodness, those stupid thoughts didn't last long. I decided to stay away from Wimpy Mamma instead. Who needs the guilt right? I can't be a wimp, I'm a bad ass mom and my kids know it. They may hate me from time to time, but one day they'll appreciate that I didn't stamp the word welcome on myself and take up residence on our front doorstep. And, yeah yeah, I give them treats, let them off the hook occasionally, love them a lot, blah blah blah. Judge me all you like... at least I'm not a wimp.

Up next in TMILH: The Ultra Cool Mamma - Stay tuned!

Types of Mothers I Love to Hate - Part 1

It's 7:40 pm and my kids, having begged for an hour for a computer game, are now happily killing the keyboard with their fingers while laughing hysterically at the monitor. And since that is about as close to 'peace and quiet' I'm going to come this long weekend, I figured why not blog? Good idea? I think so.

So, I've had a number of topics running around in my head the last few days, from the whole Twilight series and the obsession over this Edward Cullen character, or how my kids have been trying to convince me they came from outer space and not my uterus, to my new hair cut and how I hate myself for not getting it cut sooner. But none of that will be typed out today, because of something I really need to just get out into the open and laugh about. Mothers!! Or rather, certain types of mothers. You know what I'm talking about, because I'm sure you've encountered at least one of these kinds of moms who bring a whole new meaning to the word 'annoying'.

I'm going to start with the 'Goddess Mamma' and probably continue with the rest in posts over the next few weeks.

The Goddess Mamma - This is a particular breed of mother not anyone can compete with. She was handed 'The Goddess Mothering Manual' when she was born... right after the doctor slapped her butt. She is so perfect, she actually has this glowing light which surrounds her everywhere she goes. For one thing, she looks perfect, always perfect, frustratingly perfect. Her hair, clothes, make-up and shoes look fresh and mostly new at all times, and she swears she NEVER has time to really dress up or take care of herself. Her kids are also perfect... little gods and goddesses in the making. They always wear beautifully coordinated clothes and matching shoes when they go out to not play. On the off chance they're allowed to touch something, their Goddess Mamma disinfects it first with Clorox wipes. They never jump on your couch, and never need to be reminded to say "Please" or "Thank you" from when they're two years old.

The Goddess Mamma claims to never suffer from stress, never feel overwhelmed by motherhood, never have a problem raising her perfect little gods and goddess offspring. She's a fantastic cook, her breast milk flowed perfectly, she maintained an active sex life with her husband only a week after she brought her first baby home from the hospital, her house could be featured in home decor magazines and her kids will one day write international bestsellers titled "My Stolen Childhood" or "What Lay Beneath the Facade of Perfection."

If you know such a mother, it's best you find other friends because she will never think you're good enough. And you're really not good enough... you allow your children to eat sugar cookies for heaven's sakes... sometimes right before dinner. And... AND.... you will never think it's NOT OK to wear sweat pants when you take your kids to the park. How dare you mere mortal you even THINK you are worthy of her friendship? Curl up into a ball and die why don't you! You're pathetic! Or sneak into her house and check out her closet... I will bet you anything it's a holy mess and probably stinks.. but don't let her catch you snooping. I'm certain you never know what might make her snap, kill you and bury your remains under the perfect Petunia bed in her garden.

I decided to let her head my list of 'Types of Mothers I love to Hate'

Next up 'The Wimpy Mamma.' Stay tuned... and thanks for stopping by.

Disclaimer: Some mothers reading this may find themselves in one or more categories. If you decide to let anything I say offend you, well, I really don't give a crap because I'll probably find myself in one or more categories as well. So, grow a thicker skin , or leave me a comment and have a nice day!

I Judge Other Moms (My List of Mammas I Love to Hate)

After being a mom for four plus years, I've come across my fair share of new-age moms, all raising their children in the modern world. But each of them I feel resorts to being a certain kind of mom for whatever reasons... This isn't about the reasons behind their behavior but just a general observation over time, which has led me to keep a list of the types of moms, I just frickin love to hate. Be warned, you're probably not going to get more judgmental posts than what follows over the course of the next few weeks, on this blog. So, if you can't stomach it, or feel you may fall into a category I list, and you hate that thought... stop reading.

Here's the list (updated when I have time to write them out).


The Obsessive Twin Mamma
The Super Kid Mamma
The Spineless Wimp Mamma
The Frickin Perfect Mamma
The "OMG I'm a NEW Mamma"
The Super Hot & Sexy Party Mamma
The OCD Mamma aka Rapidly Burning Out Mamma

How Shall I Raise Your Kids Today?

Many people believe it's best to allow their children to grow as they will. Which, I think is fine and dandy if it to use the common phrase "works for them." However, my neighbors seem to believe it's best to allow their kids to grow as they will, OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. This is becoming a problem, one I can deal with easily if J promises to keep me on a firm leash while I go exchange words with those mothers. But, he won't do it, because I know he'd rather stand at a distance and watch. He has a sick sense of humor and a penis mind (common among mankind) which secretly wishes to see me mud wrestle naked with some buxom redhead.... not that we have redheads around these parts. But never mind him.

Coming back to these kids who are being raised by fresh air, a window, all my plants and my front door. I have no idea what to do with them. Now, if they came out to play every evening like normal kids do, that would be fine. But no, they're out as soon as they get back from school, still in their uniforms, eating their chips, drinking their Cokes and yelling, jumping, running, and yelling some more to burn off their sugar highs. They just won't frickin go HOME dammit! 8am the younger ones are out... they're toddlers, not supervised I presume because their mother's god is probably looking out for their asses and making sure they don't climb the balcony railings and plummet into the never used, except as a garbage dump swimming pool of the neighboring building. And when they all get together in the afternoons, it's complete chaos till nearly midnight. I hate them, all of them and their snotty noses, filthy bodies and disgusting clothes stinky feet and grating screechy voices.

I hate their parents more and I want to leave large paper bags filled with crap outside their front doors, set them on fire, ring the bell and run. And I hate that this country has no Child Protective Services who I could set on three of my neighbors asses in a moment. I've had enough and today is the day I am going over to each of their houses to insist they go back to their villages, farms, screechy planet or wherever the hell they came from. Either that or I'm getting two of this kind of dog as family pets. They would look so pretty seated outside my front door.

Give Me Chastity and Continence, But Not Yet.

There are many people who claim they're "saving themselves" for marriage, or "saved" themselves for marriage. From partaking in sex that is... Which I really find very hard to believe most of the time, and not because I was a slut or anything, regardless of what my former neighbors may tell you. They're really just jealous because they never got laid.

Anyway, I think this mindset is mainly a religious thing. There's probably some verse in some holy book which confirms that it's a small but very important part of being an honorable human being. So I guess the people who take that as law would abide by the instruction and abstain from sexual intercourse before marriage.

I guess it's a sweet enough sentiment and all that, giving the "gift of virginity" to your husband on your wedding night. I gave my husband a watch. Plus a commitment that while I would drool over pictures of Brad Pitt and other sexy male celebrities, and the occasional gorgeous male butt I came across in public, I wouldn't sleep with them. He was very grateful, and still is very grateful. Apparently, I'm great at keeping a promise. And of course there was the sex too.

I often wonder, what the point is of "saving" yourself from something, you're just going to indulge in anyway, almost as soon as you say "I do." So...

Abstainance: Not allowing yourself to get fuck*d till you allow yourself to get fuck*d.

This definitely heads the list in my book of the most idiotic things a person can do to themselves.

Oh Shut The Hell Up

I'm sick of some of these mothers. I truly am! First of all they need to shut the hell up about how fucking wonderfully, perfectly sweet their kids are. No children are that sweet.. a lot of them are just regular kids who occasionally do the odd sweet or wonderful thing which makes you forget how they otherwise annoy the crap out of you. Oh and please don't pretend your kids have never annoyed the crap out of you, just by being........... themselves. They have and you know it... if you don't know it yet, well then you're one of those idiot moms I'm ranting about right now. So, stop reading if you're easily offended.

Now, about these idiots.... mothers... Do they really think they're fooling the rest of us? Seriously? They really are not and I don't believe for a moment that a SINGLE time out cures their kids of their bad behavior. Like hitting... I know this one mother who was SHOCKED her son hit his sister, she almost had the vapors she was that jolted by this extremely harsh for her system behavior... "We just NEVER show anger around our kids, I can't imagine WHERE he picked that up from. All his friends are such sweet tempered kids" Blah blah blah WTF? Does he have friends or a fucking collection of Barbies he spends his outdoor time with?

Then there's the My children are so perfect, they look so perfect, I dress them so perfect and they crap out perfectly formed poop at a perfectly reasonable hour every perfectly beautiful day. OMG!!! These kinds of mothers just make me want to kill myself by overdosing on Tequila.

Why are mothers doing this? Is this what makes them feel more secure about themselves? Or are they just those superior snobby bitches hell bent on making everyone else feel worse than shit? And I notice they target first time mothers... which pisses me the hell off. There was this new mom recently talking about her lack of sleep and all that, when this superior bitch mom with us started to tell her how wonderful it is to have a newborn to feed at night because it's the "perfect time to bond." Seriously, the guilt I saw on that poor girl's face... So, I just bluntly told her the first few months with a baby is usually hell what with the sleepless nights and constant feedings and that she shouldn't feel bad.. and anyone who says otherwise is probably on drugs. Snotty bitch didn't like that and tut tutted... Screw her, I'm a far more superior bitch.

Poop Buddies

For the life of me I cannot understand my kids need, to offer each other support and companionship when one or the other decides to use the bathroom. Seriously, what is up with THAT? They are just constantly following each others' butts into the bathroom during poop time. She will drop anything she's doing and follow him when he has to go. He will wake her from a nap and ask her to join him. It's insanity, I tell you!

I walked into their room today to find B sitting on the bathroom floor jabbering away, while H was on the toilet. And of course since things like this don't just stop there when wanting to gross a mother out, they soon started arguing about her poop. He kept insisting he had heard three plops, she said it was just two. "I KNOW how many came out of my bummy" she yelled at him. "Yeah and there were THREE" he yelled back. "Were not" "Were too" "Were not" "Were too" "Were not" "Were too" "Were not" "Were too THREE." I could have gagged them with toilet paper, but I decided to bang my head against a wall instead. It drowns out the sounds of their screechy angry voices better.

So, they've been forbidden to acompany each other to the bathroom for poops. I put my foot down and that's that. "No more going to the bathroom with each other for poops" I said in my most controlled and firm tone. They both sulked for a few minutes and H informed me that I'm a mean mommy who's no fun. "Find something else to do together which is fun" said the mean mommy. And so I got to watch them accompany each other to the bathroom when each one wanted to pee. "Not pee either" I said more firmly. "You said POOP... you didn't say PEE." "Well, I'm saying it now"

B: Oohhh that's a foul and you KNOW it Mommy!!!!

I'm convinced there is a handbook for this, but our parents have hidden it from us and are secretly laughing their heads off while we struggle through these episodes. I just know this is their revenge for all those times we rebelled. So that's it! No more ugly handmade craft gifts they get to proudly display on their shelves for Grandparents Day. Not till I see the handbook.

When I Grow Up

As I settled myself down for some quiet time with my laptop, little H who was playing quietly with her dolls (well as quietly as any four year old pretending two naked Barbies are UFOs hell bent on crashing into each other while making whirring and gurgling sounds can be), I was about to log into Facebook and update my status which is rapidly becoming an addiction, when I heard "Mommy, what's your aim in life?" So I paused and tried to look thoughtful while my brain went into overdrive as it vainly tried to come up with a simple yet impressive answer. I finally remembered a life long dream to maybe write a book one day, so I said "I want to write a book one day"

If I thought that would impress her, I was mistaken. The look of disgust I got will stay stamped in my memory forever. "Haven't you written a book yet? I've already written so many." (Snotty little thing isn't she?). But I decided to boost her self esteem some more instead of shooting her down with an explanation of how all my notebooks full of scribble and stick figure pictures do not constitute as properly published books on the New York Times Best Seller list. I said instead "That's wonderful sweetie." And I was rewarded with a smile which made me forget my earlier intention of making a rude face at her.

After a few moments of more whirring and gurgling sounds I heard "When I grow up I want to be a doctor." Nothing stops a mother from posting stupid comments on her Facebook friends' walls faster than her child's extremely confident and clearly stated aim in life. (well that and blood curdling screams from remote parts of the house). A doctor! My daughter wants to be a doctor! "How the hell will we pay for that kind of education?" is quickly pushed out of your head with more pleasant thoughts of "She'll support us in our old age."

"That's fantastic sweetie!" I beamed at her while she smiled even more sweetly, before snapping off one of the Barbies' heads.

Then, I turned to B who was sprawled on the rug, also making whirring sounds while he tracked his monster truck along an imagined path and asked "What are you going to be when you grow up B?"

"Lightening McQueen" he grunted.