Visiting Coupledumb!

My first guest post! Woo Hoo!

And, I am so very honored to have been asked by the most kick ass, and lovable couple in the blogsphere, Lee and Paul at coupledumb.com

It's all about Christmas folks, so head on over there, read my latest post Don't Need a Reason for the Season and leave me some love (or hate, if that's what you do), and be sure to also check out the other great posts by Lee & Paul.

Cheers!

And, then.. They Were Five!

Dear B&H,

I don't think there is a twin parent alive who could properly describe how they felt, when they heard the words "You're having twins" uttered by their doctor, at that first ultra-sound. Eyes, widen, pupils dilate, heart races, while your brain struggles to process the true meaning of those three little words.

It cannot.

And, it doesn't really "get it" till much later.

But, it's something which cannot be described. I could never tell you both what it truly means to have been pregnant with two at the same time, what it felt like when I first saw your scrunched up little red faces, which seemed to say "Hey, we're here, now what?" How awed I was by the tiny sizes of both of you, who each fit from fingertip to just short of an elbow. So small, but so powerful... And, cute.

That's it. You two were cute and powerful. It's like you had superpowers because you were so cute, or so cute because you had superpowers. I could never tell, because it's difficult to figure it out, when you have two babies just lying in their cribs looking all cute and powerful.

How you completely took over our lives, and brought about a world we never dreamed existed, proved you had power. You controlled us with all that cuteness! It was like you both arrived and said "Right then, let's get to it. We're here, we're cute, now we'll sleep, then we'll scream for sustenance, then we'll sleep again, then we'll poop, and then we'll sleep some more. And, you all just enjoy our cuteness while we're at it."

I honestly had always just imagined, changing a baby's diaper was no big deal, till I was swimming in boxes of new diapers, and pails of dirty ones. Thankfully you both always had your poop timings down pat... Always ten minutes from the other, which gave me plenty of time to change you both without too much fussing. Still, I never thought the endless diaper changing cycle would end.

Funny, how I sort of miss that now.

And, just so you know. Moms of twins never sleep during the first year, and you two never.let.me.sleep!

But, I love you!

Now suddenly, you're all grown up, and on days like today, all I seem to be doing is reminiscing. First smiles, first teeth, first steps, first words, first diaper explosion, first arguments, first pee in the potty, first tantrums. We had a lot of firsts with you two, and never much time between the two. And, no I shall never tell who did what first. Those facts will remain hidden from you both for a long, long time. It's in your best interests, and mine. Because, I LIKE having two children not trying to kill each other!

Anyway, we're headed into a new chapter with you, and I can't wait to see what more power you two can wield over us. I'm excited knowing how wonderful it will be for you to be "grown up" and hope you will always inform me of everything you do, like you do now. I know one day you'll have secrets from me, but remember... What mommy doesn't know, mommy always finds out."

For now, I promise to always cherish your beautiful smiles, your giggles, the breathtaking picture you make, when you hold hands and run towards me with huge cheesy grins when I come pick you both up from school. And, how you don't stop talking a mile a minute after you manage to hug whichever part of my body you can reach. I will always cherish the little scraps of paper with "I 'heart' u momy' one or both of you spend hours coloring in my favorite colors, right along with your twin hugs and kisses, our crazy lunch time tales, and requests to be read 'Gordon Takes a Tumble' every night of the week. Always twice.

I will always cherish you both for what you are individually, and together.

Happy 5th Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

Are You the Perfect Parent?

As we approach the fifth birthday of our twins, a big part of me feels the need to pause, and reflect. I know I've certainly come a long way from that person who gave birth to two babies together, and immediately entered a world of chaos, sleepless nights, insecurity, sleepless nights, second-guessing, more sleepless nights, criticism and fear. Did I mention sleepless nights? Parenthood is never fun at the outset, no matter how cute your babies are. It's no wonder the first year is usually referred to as 'The Blur.' It really and truly is, and OMGs I wanted it to end SO bad.

Then it did.

And, now I wish they would take three hour naps, several times a day, like they used to in infancy.

But, my friends with teenage kids say it won't happen for another decade or so.

Crap!

So, anyway... this whole parenting thing, has got me wondering about a current trend I've noticed almost everywhere. I don't know if it's some sort of superiority complex, but WTF is up with all this judgment and criticism we throw at other parents? For the most ridiculous things? Believe it or not, chicken nuggets is a hot topic. It's bad for your kids, so don't feed it to them. Try turnips instead! And, if they don't like turnips, mash them down and shape them like chicken nuggets!

Seriously! People say stuff like that.

And, drinking a glass of wine at playdates is also forbidden in their God given Holy Book of Parenting Skills & How to Perfect Them, so You May Achieve Godlike Status. I actually know someone who got slammed for having a drink at her teenage daughter's party, in her bedroom or something. She was called a bad mother and almost everything else by otherwise perfect parents, who own the book.

We've created so many issues, or rather the sanctimonious, holier than thou bullshit crowd has. Cloth diapers/disposable, IVF/Spontaneous, breast/bottle, working mothers/stay at home mothers, public school/homeschool, pacifiers/no pacifiers, hands on daddy/couldn't be bothered asshat... The list is endless. You so much as bring up a topic, and people instantly jump to their chosen sides, dressed in full body armour, ready to fight to the death. And, it's mostly mothers...

Women, seriously need to either get laid more often, or find a hobby besides motherhood.

I mean it. They can turn into a bunch of vicious vipers if someone innocently says My baby is 2 weeks old... Is Similac formula any good?

WTF?

Mind your own damn business people! It's hard enough being a parent as it is. And, I for one do not like snotty nosed idiots telling me how wrong I am, by talking incessantly about how right they are. I also don't like when they do it to new parents. Give those poor suckers a break ffs... They get NO sleep! And, the husbands have yet to learn, that sex will not be as frequent as it was pre-kids.

You heard me, new daddies!

So, santimonious gits! I don't care if your kids poop gold, because you feed them gold dust (which might be bad for them btw), I don't care if you're the perfect mother with an awesomely clean house, with handstitched curtains at every one of your twenty six windows, I don't care if there are delicious, healthful meals and snacks on your table 24/7, I don't care if you stay home so you can nurture your precious offspring, unlike those horrible working mothers trying to earn a living, and I don't care if your seven children all sucked the life out of your breasts till they were six years old. Just don't tell me how to raise my kids, and we'll be fine.

So much for parents joining together and giving each other support. No, we've decided to turn it into a competition.

Our kids must think we're marvelous examples of human beings.

1, 2, 3... Judge!

During the last month I've been thinking over a ton of topics to write about. Briefly considered the biggies like gay marriage (acceptance), abortion, religious tolerance, and the war in Pakistan. But, I'm prone to violence when talking about these issues, so I've put them on the back burner for now. Not saying this post won't be verbally violent.. Must not disappoint those who claim to love me for speaking my mind, and also those who hate me for it, yet keep coming back for more.

So anyway... Pakistan. Our sovereign state, a misunderstood country, a hated nation, or whatever you may want to call it is fine with me. But, this is for the people who once lived here, and no longer do. The ones who look back fondly at their time spent here, their carefree childhood days, their wonderful school years, their Desi weddings, and the birth of their firstborns. They're also the ones who look at us with some sadness, and pity. And, judgment!

But, when you abandoned the ship...

Can you really afford to judge us?

Or tell us what to do?

I'm not talking about the massive political situation, or the law and order situation we have here. It happens everywhere, and someone has to win at who is best at it. Right now, we win. Tomorrow? Who knows?

No, I'm talking about our day to day living, how we socialize, what we do, how we raise our kids, the kind of education we give them. I'm talking middle class and above, and I don't appreciate former Pakistanis sitting in their "free" countries as minorities, turning up their noses at how we conduct ourselves, or how they think we should be conducting ourselves. We do what we do, and we don't need your advice, or your criticism. We don't care how you "do it" in Australia or New York. We don't need to always adopt bits of the same culture you adopt everyday, just because you say so. We have McDonald's, and we have Facebook... And, our teens are just as out of control as yours are, our kids are just as addicted to junk food and video games as yours are (although maybe not as obese just yet), and our fundementalist religious right is more vocal and annoying than yours could ever be. So, we're just fine, thank you very much.

I'm so tired of constantly being told by former Pakistanis, of how they think people in Pakistan should live. Do this, do that, try this, try that. WTF? Most of them come across as sheltered children, who are seeing things for the first time. You've lived in the west for more than 15 years... And, the novelty still hasn't worn off? How limited an upbringing did you have? How badly did your parents screw you up? FFS... Stop! Live your life, and let us live ours. We're not backward asses who need to change our ways, or be introduced to brilliant concepts which existed decaded before your sorry asses went west.

I could list how full our lives are, and how we manage to rise above the crap which terrifies and disgusts us every.single.day. How we struggle to maintain a sense of normality in our day to day living. I could tell you all about the incredible strength, and courage of the people in this broken nation, or our children who face dangers most of you cannot even begin to imagine. But, my fingers would start to hurt, and I also don't want to sound too much like a Christian apologist.

I love that you love us, love the country of your birth, and wish that things were different. But, haggling people is not the way to go. So back off a little... No need to be pompous asses. It's not becoming.

Ben 10 Alien Swarm - Coming Soon

He didn't win a battle, when it came to getting my permission to watch Ben10 on Cartoon Network (aka Crap Network). He's lucky, because Mama must admit she quite likes little Ben10 herself, and teenage Ben10, and Ben10 Alien Force, just as much as he does. Yes, Mama is a fan of a kids' cartoon show, and may or may not watch it even if the kids aren't home. Admit it, you all watch the Backyardigans, or The Wiggles, and even Dora the Explorer... And, you all find yourself humming their songs while you shower.... Ha!! So, don't judge me!

So, you want to really bond with your almost five year old son? Ben10 will do it for you.

Ben is not as big an obsession as Lightning McQueen. Oh no, no NO... NEVER! Because, Lightning is the coolest, most bestest sports car in the whole universe, and when all little boys grow up, they want to be red racing cars with cocky grins, and '95' tattooed on their abs.

Ka-Chow!

But, back to Ben, the average kid with a powerful watch type device, which turns him into an alien fighting... alien. Ben, also has a cousin Gwen, who has "pink" super powers, so at our house the show is loved by both male and female child alike. And, of course Mommy. So, when that damn Cartoon Network begins advertising the November release of Ben10 Alien SWARM, it's almost as bad as all those suburban moms anxiously awaiting the release of New Moon.... At our house at least.

All, I've been hearing for the last few weeks out of B is "Is it November yet?"

At first I thought the kid was just excited because their birthday is in November, but later I realized Cartoon Network is advertising Ben10 Alien SWARM (not yelling, that's how it's titled on CN) like crazy. And today, they decided to take it one step further, by announcing a contest! How fun is that?

Not fun at ALL! (Now, I'm yelling).

The upcoming contest, requires kids to watch Cartoon Network, from Mon-Fri all through November. If they do, they get details of the contest, and a chance to win fabulous action figures and a Ben10 wrist device. All through November... Every single weekday evening. Schools are being left in the dust, let me tell you. Parents don't stand a chance either. We need to get off our collective "Here's your appreciation certificate" or "Here's a sticker for being good" asses, and stock up on action figures!

Or, we're going to lose.

But, right now, I really don't care. There's less than a week left for October to end, and those action figures look really cool.. So, off my high horse I get, because...

Well, I like action figures too.

***snerk***

Hostile to Halloween? Um.. What?

"Halloween has strong roots in paganism and is closely connected with worship of the Enemy of this world, Satan. It is a holiday that generally glorifies the dark things of this world, rather than the light of Jesus Christ, The Truth."

Well then, how can I read something like that and not respond to it, right?

So, this eeeeevil festival of... Candy? Costumes? Jack-o-Lanterns and fun? Satan worshiping? Really?

Shut up!

Seriously, you nutty, over the top, crazy, religious (Christian) people. Just.shut.up.

I'm not going to get into the history of this festival, and how it originated in pagan times blah blah blah. It's all commercial fun now (at least in America it is), and I don't see why it should be such a big deal to Christians. Oh wait, some of them don't approve of the "pagan traditions" and all that. But, they won't stop participating in all those traditions, and rituals the church adopted from the pagans themselves generations ago, then twisted around and merged into Christianity. Christmas and Easter anyone?

Why do some of these religious types insist on keeping worms up their butts? They really shouldn't. It makes them irritable and mean. And, when that happens, they start attacking all the fun stuff this world has to offer us. They want people to stop dressing their kids up in cute costumes, and going out to get free candy from neighbors, they want to burn Harry Potter books, and put condom manufacturers out of business. It's all very sad. And to think, all they would have to do to stop behaving like freakazoids, is take a dose or two of some deworming med. That's not asking too much of them right?

So, anyway... Halloween. We celebrate it every year! We also celebrate Eid and Diwali and Christmas with Santa Claus. You know that big old imaginary guy in a red suit? And, we all know how red is the devil's color, and that Satan really just stuffs himself with food for months before December, gets really fat, adds some white trim to his clothes, and gives kids tons of toys, which brainwash them and make them hate God.

That's what we do. So, when my son decided he wanted to dress up as Jesus this Halloween, I had to say no. "Can't combine religion with heathen practices", I told him. "What's religion?" he asked. "That's a question only grandma can answer" I replied. "Do you know anything?" he muttered. "Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog..." I chanted on my way out of them room, and followed that with an evil cackle, while he cowered in fear, of the whipping he knew was coming.

Later they both told me they wanted to dress up as Ben 10, and one of the Power Puff girls. B was Ben 10 last year, so when he saw his pictures from 08, he promptly decided he wanted to be Ben 10 Alien SWARM instead of regular old, boring Ben 10. Five minutes later, he wanted to be Lightning McQueen... Um That is SO not happening dude! Try again. H of course kept changing her mind too. But, that's only because they're designed to combine their indecision, and make life even more interesting for me than it usually is.

We have less than a week left... Their costumes, after many, MANY suggestions, arguments, tears, laughter and yelling, are nearly ready. There will be no more better ideas, no more planning. Just lots of scary cookie baking, and decorating.

And... All's quiet on the Christian front too.

They must be busy bottling the Holy Water, to douse us with on the 31st.

She's a Child, NOT a Maid!

Last Saturday, while out on our weekly "family evening" my husband and I took the kids first to the park, and then out to dinner. An hour at the park, and we were exhausted, which is not surprising if you have two four year olds, each insisting on a different activity "Ohhh I want to SWING" or "No, let's go down the giant slide." You're probably wondering how that could cause exhaustion in two adults with two kids? We could easily split up with one kid each and let them do their thing right? Wrong! Our twins may always want to do different stuff, but they also simultaneously want to do what the other is doing. If you split them up, you're going to spend a LOT of time scuttling back and forth, while they yell out to each other in glee. After years of trying to achieve some sort of balance in these situations, we have no choice but to suck it up, and tolerate the arguments of which area of the playground is more fun. It's easier, because your feet get a bit of a rest, and ear plugs are cheap.

So, anyway... At the playground watching my daughter tackling the rope climbing thing, I noticed this cute baby who couldn't have been more than a couple of years old. Clad in a frilly pink dress, socks and shoes, she toddled towards the slide while her mother stood by and watched proudly. Then, she fell... The baby, not the mother. What issued after that sent my blood pressure sky rocketing, and my temper if released would have reached epic proportions.

The "mother" began yelling at a little waif of a girl, no more than seven or eight years old who was about three feet behind the baby. "Pick her up!! Why did you let her fall?" WHACK!! She hit the little girl... Her baby's nanny! Yes, I said nanny... And, I said hit. Welcome to Karachi, where some of the upper class consider it charity, to employ poor little girls (and boys) as full time (see: live in) nannies and maids, for their infants and children. Minimum age requirement for this position? Six, maybe seven.

Now, before you get all upset, and start throwing around words like "child labor" or ***gasp*** "abuse," there's a perfectly good explanation for why some rich people employ these starveling little creatures as "help." They're doing them a favor! Or so they believe. According to them, if they don't employ them, they're practically damning them to a life of severe poverty, and a gloomy future. This way, these poor kids get a roof over their heads, have food and clothing. What more do kids need right?

So what if they have to change a baby's diaper a few years after they've been out of diapers themselves? So, what if they have to feed, bathe, dress kids a year or so younger than they are, every single day? So what if they have to wake up at 5am daily, and get breakfast ready for the family? So what if they have to carry heavy diaper bags, and shopping bags through malls and bazaars while their "Madams" shop till they drop? So what if they get one nugget from the leftover McDonald's Happy Meal, the Madam's kid did not want to finish? So what? At least they're getting something right? They're lucky! Other poor kids don't even know what McDonald's is, leave alone getting the chance to eat one whole (well, partially gnawed at) delicious chicken nugget and a few sips of Coke every week. These poor kids should be grateful!! They're getting to earn their keep in the lap of luxury, and a few slaps across their faces a day for failing to care for an infant properly, is not a big price to pay. When someone gives your family charity, you belong to them, you owe them. With the blood and sweat of your six year old malnourished body... You owe them!

Pathetic? Sad? Twisted?

How about wrong? Can we say how wrong this is? Do we dare?

Well, I dare. It's wrong, it's sick and it's a disgusting display of child abuse, right out in the open, happening right under our noses, while we turn a blind eye to it. Why? Because these women are our friends? Because they belong to an elite, untouchable social circle? So, we pretend we don't see the exploitation of children? Surely, we as a society do not condone this? Shame on us if we do. How many times have we walked by one or more of these "maids" and not really seen them?

Charity, my dear designer bag carrying fellow females, has no strings attached to it. It's something we're supposed to do, out of the goodness of our hearts. Asking for nothing in return. It does not need to be twisted into a convenience because we're too lazy to parent.

I suggest you women keep these little children in your care, educate them, encourage them to lead productive lives, and make sure they do. You can certainly afford it. And, you can certainly afford to hire professional help for your children. And, an adult to do your dishes. You do not need to exploit poor, weak and innocent children. It does not make you a better person, it does not give you a higher standing in society. What it does do, is make you a child abuser.

You're a parent. Go ahead and imagine your child doing what your six year old "maid" does. How does it make you feel? How would you like it if someone exploited your child that way?

How pretty is that picture?

Facebook Friday!

So, what did you all do while Facebook was down most of this week? And, why do I almost always begin my blog posts with "So...?" Have you noticed? It's really annoying isn't it? I have no idea why I do it.. But, I speak like that a lot of the time, and I guess it's a habit now.

So... How annoying is this, now that I pointed it out to those of you who never noticed?

Back to Facebook, and how it remained inaccessible most of the week. For Facebook fanatics who couldn't log in, the world literally stopped! It was like the End of Days had finally arrived, and many were spotted looking up to the heavens, arms open wide, shouting "We are worthy!." For those who managed to log in, but were unable to access any applications, or update their statuses, it was pure hell on earth. In all seriousness, if the gods had decided to rain tongues of fire down on us, these people would barely have noticed. So deep was their anguish over not being able to play Mafia Wars, or whatever it is they like to do on Facebook.

I had some problems logging in two days ago, and went over to Facebook's main page to see what was up. They had a nice little message posted there which said We are experiencing a technical issue with one of our databases that is resulting in an extended period of maintenance for some of you. We are working on a fix and hope to have this resolved in the next 24 hours. Below that were a number of comments, some of which were hilarious. So, I did a bad thing and copied a few to post here. Also, couldn't resist adding my own little comebacks to them, because I'm mean and like to poke fun at people.

Ready?

wich is why i CARNT AXCESS PROFILES!!!!!!!!!
So typing in CAPS will make them work faster to solve your problem? And, dude! You need to re-learn grammar and spelling.

I keep getting this message askin for my email addy before i can have any gifts i sent it the first time but im gettin a headache seein it again an again when all i want is another pair of jelly shoes
Um.. What?

all americans are dicks
Because your Facebook is not working? How much do you pay your therapist?

wanna knw who view my profile more!
They can't get the site working, dumb ass! I'm guessing your stupid request was ignored.

I hate fucking facebook
Try a human being!

My farmville won't work!! Help me please
Oh no! Did all your crops die? Did they? How badly has this dented your coin bank? Are your cows OK?

it's okay guys
every site had problems
and facebook team are humans
and not gods to not make mistakes
facebook team : i respect you guys and i respect everything you did and you are doing to keep us connected ... Take your time fixing this and don't give a shit about the that impolite comments
Thanks again
When I rule the world, you shall be my Ass Kisser in Chief!

Check out my website while facebook is down http://www.moo-farm.co.uk for fantastic bath products at low prices! Bath bombs, shower gels and much much more! Buy today delivered tomorrow!
OK, I can't say anything bad about a shameless plugger!

I can't go to chat and my cousin just married. FUCK
Were you planning on typing him/her through the ceremony?

Hey my fb's finee. Never broke and im on everyday. Suppose im just lucky ;) ?
People loathe people like you. Always have, always will.

fix it as soon as possible im struggling now
It usually takes about three days to detox, YOU CAN DO THIS!

I didn't miss Facebook much... I've barely been reading status updates lately, or even looking at the zillion and one photographs my friends keep uploading. But, I'm insanely addicted to Bejeweled Blitz and when I couldn't log into the application............. I was fine. No really, it wasn't like I broke out into a cold sweat or anything. My hands didn't tremble, I didn't feel lightheaded and irritable... Nothing like that....

Don't Eff With Me!

So, I was standing out in my balcony this morning, enjoying the first crisp air this city is experiencing after a crap ass summer, and I noticed this guy staring at me. No big deal, guys stare at me a lot, and I'm not saying that because I'm vain or anything. Men look at women! They have to, can't be helped. They can be walking down the street, minding their own business, and suddenly they get a twitch in their pants, and their eyes automatically zero in on the nearest female. The bigger her breasts, the bigger the itch. It's their own personal, built in radar, and we should be accepting of it. And, not jealous, because we have our own radars. But, I won't get into that right now, because writing about female radars could fill several books.

Anyway, so I tried to ignore the idiot, but, I really, really hate it when people stare at me.. It's just annoying. Like dude, look at the beautiful blue sky, appreciate the lovely weather, examine your testicles, maybe your itch is really a rash... Anything! Just don't keep gazing at my breasts ffs!

Finally, I decided to give him my "Don't eff with me look" which is pretty scary if I do say so myself. I've had it for ages, and it just gets scarier with time. It'll probably be horrific when the wrinkles come around, but I don't want to think about that just yet. In the last five years though, I've managed to perfect my "Don't eff with me" look, thanks to the OMG I think I would DIE if I had twins comments hurled at me by numerous asshats. So, unless I birth triplets next time around, which I'm pretty sure is not going to happen, I don't see my 'Don't eff with me' look improving.

But, I'm happy with it.

Not that it holds a candle to the God of "Don't eff with me" looks.


I wish he were my (sugar) daddy! Even now, that he's old and whatever.

Seriously, I have never seen a better "Don't eff with me" look than that. How Ashton ever managed to not crap his pants in the presence of this guy is mind boggling. Ashton must be blind! Because, if I were a 20 something guy, who had the hots for Bruce Willis' ex-wife, and I was not BLIND!! I would never go within fifty feet of her. Never! I mean, has Ashton even watched Die Hard 1?

I think I'll go blow up this picture now, print it out and hang it in the balcony. Not saying the huz doesn't have a great "Don't eff with me" look. He does! And, and even better "Don't effin eff with my effin wife, you mother effin eff" look, but he's not around right now.

So, Bruce it is!

New Moon - Wolf vs Vampire

Right, so, here I am, coffee cup steaming, laptop switched on (It's almost never switched off, but who cares?) and fingers-a-tingling as I get ready to piss off part of the female population around the world. Because.... I'm going to talk about New Moon - The Twilight Saga. I ranted about the books once, and forgot to put a disclaimer at the top of my post, which pissed someone off a little. But, that's all water under the bridge now, and I have to rant a little about the whole OMG-New Moon-the-movie-is-almost-out gagfest taking the world by storm.

I will be killed. There is no doubt in my mind, that a bunch of women will descend on me and rip the limbs off my body, and then use them as burnt offerings for the god of all gods... EdwardfrickinCullen! And, I doubt Cullen would call down from the heavens and ask them to sacrifice a lamb instead. The darling boy would probably yell "Don't BURN her you idiots! Bring me her blood!! Edward would want my blood, trust me. It's good blood.

Anyway, so New Moon, where Edward is not around and attempts suicide in Italy by public sparking, before Bella saves his ass. Of course, before all that, Bella attempts suicide herself, clearly because what'shiswolf is not a good enough kisser. I mean a wolf's breath cannot compare to the breath of a vampire people! If you had a choice, would you kiss an animal who ate meat, or a corpse who drank blood?

No contest!

Do I come across as a mocking bitch? (Isn't that some kind of bird?). Well, I'm not. If you read between the lines, you'll see (look really hard... it's there I promise) just how this is all my jealousy talking. I'm envious of Bella Swan. First of all, her name is so pretty... Isabella Swan. Anyone with a one syllable name would envy that. Secondly, she has the most fascinating love life (lives?). A vampire and a werewolf are both in love with her. What are the chances of that ever happening to me? I've never had such exotic type men love me in my whole life. Plenty of dogs yes, but dogs are not wolves... not since they evolved and shit.

So, I'm jealous of Bella Swan and I want to be mean about it. I want to say it's a crappy, god awfully long story which nearly cured my insomnia, and the first movie was blah. It makes me feel less jealous. Venting is so therapeutic don't you think?

Oh and, I'll watch New Moon, please don't doubt that. I'll do it in much the same way I stop to stare at bad road accidents.

Throw your tomatoes if you must... and bring your hatchets... My limbs await you.

My Tree Hugging, Dirt Worshippers!

So, hello again and please don't ask where I've been, or why I haven't been feeling creative enough to blog the last few (really? few?) weeks. Let's talk about this week instead, and how my kids spent the better part of it chanting out their "lines" in preparation for Environment Month at school.

Kindergartners obsessed with the environment! What the hell is this world coming to? Honestly, I'm very annoyed at how seriously they seem to be taking this whole "Save the Earth" stuff. You're probably thinking "Oh they're four. How concerned can they be?" Well, when H goes around the house, switching off lights, regardless of whether there are people in the room or not, and announces "We should not use so much electric city" and when B randomly asks "WHY do people kill the Blind Dolphin? How can they EAT DOLPHINS?" you know they're headed towards obsession, and possibly going to become tree hugging environmentalists, who will insist we live in thatched roof huts, and eat organic vegetables forever.

Apparently, I never told them beef comes from cows. Well, I told them it comes from cows, I just didn't say how, and being three at the time, they were too naive to ask those deep and meaningful questions like "Do cows have to die so we can eat their meat?" But now with all this "Save the Earth" stuff, they're asking the questions people! So, in the usual direct way I respond to my kids, I told them yes, cows have to die so we can eat their meat. "Ohhhhh people are HORRIBLE" announced H. "Oh that's just GUSTING" announced B. "I'm never eating meat AGAIN" declared H. "Me either" said her adoring twin.

I guess we're not having steaks for dinner tonight.

They've also decided to recycle everything. And, I mean everything! I found them shoving empty biscuit packets into the family room couch, and I was like what in the world are you guys doing that for? And they were like "We're saving the packets for our next biscuits." "Those biscuits will already have their own packets" I told them. "But that's not RE-CYCLING Mama" So I was all like "Yeah, but neither is shoving it into the couch, it's better to find a way to RE-USE it for something else don't you think?" And they looked at me like Dude, we already have a plan. Go away!"

Do boarding schools still just concentrate on lessons and discipline?

Still, I happily dismissed their psycho babble about old newspapers, and that God awful song they kept singing all week Save the Eaarrrrrrthhh, Save the Eaarrrrrttthhhhh, and attended their class presentation this morning. Watched their class jump on stage and do their thing. It was pretty cool to be honest. All of them dressed in green, with different 'Green' messages pasted on their shirts, yelling out the lyrics of Save the Eaaarrrrrttthhhh completely off key, and grinning ear to ear. B&H both delivered their lines on recycling and saving the dolphins pretty well, and well dammit, they make their Mama proud.

I suppose old biscuit packets can be used as couch stuffing at some point.

Save the Earrrrrrtthhh!!!

Obama's Speech to Students, and God's Talk with Me

So, I cannot get over all the crap going on in the United States, about President Obama wanting to address students regarding education. Seriously, have people gone insane?

Dumb question, let's try again.

Do people realize how insane they are?

The President of a country, wants to make a speech telling kids to stay in school, take responsibility for their education, work hard... and people are angry about this? You have got to be at least... really, at least a hundred different kinds of idiot to be upset that your kids might..

1) Hear him
2) Listen to what he says
3) Get influenced by it and do well in school

A hundred different kinds of idiot.

I couldn't figure out why they were going SO crazy, about such a small thing. So, I decided to talk to God about it. And, we both chatted about this on YIM today. No, not using voice, just regular stone age internet text chat. And, I saved the conversation for you all... Just in case you don't believe He really does have a Yahoo account.

OneTruGod: Hey Smart ass

BitchBliss: (Yes, that's my YIM username) Hey Big G!

OneTruGod: So what's up with all these humans going nuts over Obama speaking to kids in school?

BitchBliss: Don't ask me, I thought they were your fans, you should know... Shouldn't you have already known? I was going to ask you ffs!

OneTruGod: Don't start your crap with me Missy

BitchBliss: WTF? I ask you one simple question and you get all pissy.. I'm logging off

OneTruGod: No, no wait... Sorry, it's been a rough day

BitchBliss: You have days like regular people?

OneTruGod: Will you just shut it?

BitchBliss: OK, sorry, what happened?

OneTruGod: Too many crazies accepting my boy JZ, some were screaming his name so loud I thought I was going to go deaf

BitchBliss: Are you sure they were accepting him and not um, you know... just having great sex?

OneTruGod: I know the difference smart ass

BitchBliss: OK.. OK just trying to be helpful

OneTruGod: So, about Obama and the students, what's the latest?

BitchBliss: What? Am I your news service now? Why don't you just sign up for a Twitter account like I told you to? Stay in touch with current events and all that?

OneTruGod: No time

BitchBliss: Excuses, excuses, just do it already! Then you would know how your fans in America are going bat shit crazy because their President wants to give their kids a speech.

OneTruGod: I have no idea what's wrong with them, I like Obama... And, he speaks so beautifully, even the angels stop playing their harps to listen.

BitchBliss: Your angels still play harps? What is this? 1702?

OneTruGod: It's not like he's going to brainwash them... He just wants to talk. I can see inside his heart, his intentions are good.

BitchBliss: Do you look inside their hearts? Your fans I mean.

OneTruGod: Um, no.. I rarely bother

BitchBliss: WHAT? But they're your fans! That's unfair to them. Go look RIGHT now and tell me what you see.

OneTruGod: OK, OK... brb

OneTruGod: Back

BitchBliss: You can seriously do shit like that in one second?

OneTruGod: Yeah so?

BitchBliss: Coolness! So whatdidyousee?

OneTruGod: Crap!

BitchBliss: You saw crap?

OneTruGod: That's right, They're full of crap!

BitchBliss: Well, I could have told you that, and I can't see inside their hearts.

OneTruGod: Show off!

BitchBliss: So, are they going to lighten up a bit?

OneTruGod: **Sigh*** No... they'll keep at it. And since they have free will and all that....

BitchBliss: Free will? Really?

OneTruGod: Well, yeah, that part's true

BitchBliss: And the rest is all false?

OneTruGod: Well.... Umm anyway I gtg shower

BitchBliss: You shower? I thought you were spotlessly clean always and shiny like a bright light.

OneTruGod: Smart ass! ttyl

BitchBliss: K... later... Maybe then we can chat about your fans in Pakiland who want to eliminate music from schools?

OneTruGod: ***sigh*** Do we have to?

BitchBliss: Not really...

OneTruGod: Thank Self!

BitchB$liss: LOL You're weird...

OneTruGod: Back at ya babe! Peace out!

So there we have it. God thinks they're all full of crap! Nothing we can do about it.

Thanks for stopping by people! And, don't forget to teach your kids the difference between right, and the religious right!

Have a great weekend!