Drama, Teenagers and Agatha Frickin Christie!

Not much else besides that seems to be filling up, what just happens to be our 7th wedding anniversary weekend celebration. The conversation a few days ago went something like this...

J: My school kids are doing a play, I need to supervise

Seriously! You're a MATH teacher.


And, later...

J: Can you come help out a little?

Dude, I'm a working mom (redundant term isn't it?), and you're SO in need of a second wife. (Totally legal in our country btw).

And, so I envisioned my weekend going to hell, because that's what you expect when you think you're going to be surrounded by a bunch of teenage wannabe superstars, with chips on their shoulders, and acne where blush would otherwise look good.

Not a hint of wannabeism, the chips were barely visible, and the lack of acne made me wonder how much sex they were having, or whether they just all have great parents, who insist on a year round healthy diet of fruit and veggies. 

At first glance, they seemed disorganized, loud and erratic. Their supervisor (the Huz) did not seem to be helping matters. I will never understand how he can be yelling at a kid one second, and laughing hysterically with them the next. I wanted to run from the madness , which consisted of much messing up of lines, literal dragging of feet, and no one seeming to have a fucking clue what the word 'places' means in an on-stage production. 

I met and dealt with 'The beauty,' 'The beast,' 'The class clown,' 'The stud,' 'The bookish mouse,' 'The genius.' and everyone in between. Gay clothing, hairspray,  girls boldly stating they did not feel ashamed to change in front of me, then promptly stripping,  boys not very careful either, hair straightening irons, female bickering over hair and make-up (OMG the bickering!!!) I was in a Pakistani, missionary, High School Musical hell.

Thankfully it wasn't Vanessa Hudgens' voice belting out from the speakers, or I would have killed them all.

I had the best time.

These kids... Umm, young men and women....

I was struck by their niceness, amazed at how hard they worked, and loved how much they cared about their play. This is the stuff young people are made of, and the older more cynical amongst us, would do well to remember that.


You know who you are, asshats! Stop criticizing the kids.

They put on a show, which rocked the house. A hilarious Agatha Christie play happened. Their talent was impressive, their humor typically teen, their passion? Outstanding. 

And, they did it all on their own.

Little to no help, just given a task, and expected to do a great job, sometimes with needless interference. And, support? Umm WTF is that when it's just a bunch of teens right? 


OK, so back to what I planned would be a review of the production (much as I'd love to rant endlessly about asshole people I spotted adults). 

And, don't even get me started on the 'Christian' presence I observed there. Seriously people! You have so begged me to (yet again) rant about you. Another blog post though.

 

 

 

On second thought... screw the review. I recommend you go see it. If you can't, then go see something undertaken by teens from start to finish. You might be surprised by how professional kids can be.

Taking Time Out to Tag!

Over the last month I've drafted all of three blog posts, and published none. Well, don't I sound all writerish when I use that word? Published. Perhaps, one day... When I scan through all those old journals, and actually make some sense of all my ramblings, when I was at my rebellious best. 

So, no posts for about a month, because while I'm not lacking in rants topics to post, I just did not have the energy. But, today I see I have no choice but to post something, because I was trapped into it by my good friend Mr. Millions of Atoms, who posted some questions on his blog, and then tagged me. 

If he were standing right in front of me, I'd swat him with a rolled up newspaper.

Entrapment!

If he didn't provide me with those awesome belly laughs, I'd kick his ass. (I mean it, seriously, the guy is hilarious... Check out his blog).

And, on to the questions, I must answer. And, yeah, I'm going to post my own questions and tag five other bloggers too... That's how this works. 

1. How many M&Ms could you eat in one sitting? Round up.

Six hundred, I swear to Zues my demand could go higher than their supply.

2. Do you own an iPhone, and why/why not?

I own a Berry, and no I will not join the war on which one is "the better phone." Although, I really should, because it's fun to rouse the rabbles and watch them get all uppity about their toys.

3. Describe the first time you were aware that you had feelings for me that went beyond the "Criminal suspect" feelings that the Police have for me.

I'm picturing a certain friend of mine right now (your wife), one of my best friends actually, dressed as a female version of Rambo.... Storming over continents, and heading straight to my house. So yeah, I have NO feelings for you, besides that of sisterly love. (Pssst... Let's set up some secret email accounts and discuss this further).

4. Describe the one t-shirt that you should have thrown away five years ago, but you still inexplicably find in your t-shirt drawer.

Remind me to describe in detail the impact OCD has had on my closet. 

5. Why did the new Twilight movie make 30 million dollars in 3 hours?

I personally believe... that the producers of Twilight are able to do so... because... Uh... some people out there in your nation don't have books... And... uh... I believe that your movie industry, like such as in South Africa and... uh... the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as... And I believe that they should... Your Twilight movie over there in the U.S. should help the U.S... uh...Or, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries... So you will be able to build up your movies... for your children.

And my five questions for my blogger friends are.

1. Why do you think homophobic people always feel that gay sex is just a stepping stone away from sex with goats?

2. How many friends do you have on your Facebook friends list?

3. How many of them are your real friends?

4. Your first teacher crush was? Describe him/her in detail.

5. Why in the world would young female teens, and middle aged mothers find a sparkly virgin vampire hot?

Tagging.

Desperately Searching for my Inner Mary Poppins

Lurking in Ambush

Manic Motherhood

Pajamas and Coffee

Deadpan Thoughts

Posing for Facebook!

A few days ago, a good friend of mine posted something on her Facebook status, which gave me a laugh. It's been working it's way into a blog post ever since, and finally today after successfully putting aside all the stresses of daily life, I feel ready to write about it.

Her status:

I have been wondering about this for a while now. I thought I'd ask:-) You guys who go to bars and parties and all that...Is there ever any actual fun being had (i.e. dancing, drinking, laughing)? Or is just a bunch of people packed in a space taking hundreds of posed pictures of themselves to post on FB? Anyone?

Hmm, the Facebook generation strikes again. And, apparently they've been at it for quite a while, because this is not the first time I've encountered someone mentioning people at parties, obsessed with taking pictures for Facebook. I was at a get-together a while back, when I laughingly said we all hadn't yet taken a fb group picture. Big mistake! The cell phones appeared out of pockets and handbags almost magically, and everyone scrambled to group together as if drawn by a call for prayer.

I will never make such an asinine joke again.

Teenagers, I don't mind so much, and not even 20 somethings to be honest. Many of them are still living in denial of growing up. But 30 somethings? Really? You make plans to meet up with friends, get dressed to the nines, pour out the drinks, turn on the music, and spend the remainder of your time posing for pictures? For Facebook? I came across an album of 304 pictures taken by one person, at one party. And, said person was also tagged in several other albums, all containing not less than 200-300 pictures... At the same party.

If the Huz were around, I'd get him to do the math, because I suck at stuff like this.

OK, granted I come from a generation where cell phones were a luxury, and digital cameras probably didn't exist. Or if they did, we had no clue till our rich friends showed them off, while their parents weren't around. So, we made out OK with our stone age cameras, and waited patiently for our films to get developed at the Kodak shop, over a two or three day period. Later, we lucked out with "One Hour Only" developing, which really meant waiting two hours or more in the shop for it.

No, I'm not in my 50s.

Anyway, so with limited resources, we got around to taking maybe two or three pictures at parties. And, now should I come across any of those pictures (which my generation loves to scan and upload on Facebook, as if to say "Here you go you young constant picture taking suckers, we had fun too, so THERE!") I'm amazed to find that I can remember so many details of those events. Who hosted the party, who wore the most hideous outfit, who passed out from too much drinking (or other indulgences), the couple who never got off the dance floor, how the host's father got sloshed, and insisted on dancing with all the pretty, young girls, sometimes OK most times holding them in a death grip, while he attempted to jive on rap music.

My mind took snap shots.

And, now what have you but a generation who prefer to group together, all with extended right arms, the hands of which are firmly clutching the latest in Smart Phones, while they strike pose after pose after damn Facebook pose. Well, looky here folks, this is us entering the party, this is us saying hello to each other, this is us opening the beer bottles, this is us drinking the opened beer, see it's branded stuff, this is what we're wearing, this is the side view of our slutty outfits, now the back view, and these are our shoes. This is us in a 'couples only group,' and another group shot, and wait! Another group shot. Now this is us attempting to dance, and yes, the latest dance steps all require us to keep our right hands extended, while we move like robots so as not to blur the picture... And, here are another 50 group shots... Just the boys, just the girls, just the girls with one boy, just the boys showing off their middle fingers.

How do they not die from so much fun and happiness?

Why does Facebook not explode from the weight of all these albums?

*Sigh* I guess I sound all old and demented, but in my defense this is not what some of us consider fun. Good times don't revolve around how many pictures you get to take at your party or club night. I've been there, done it all (and probably much, much more because I didn't waste my time holding up a camera). I vividly remember laughing till my eyes smarted while I watched my friend S play out a charade, in a game which was not Charades, just a few months ago. He was hilarious! And, there were Smart Phones on the coffee table people! But, we were too busy having a good time to notice. I'm guessing a ton of us who are young enough to remember, yet old enough to know that this zillion picture taking nonsense is nothing but a waste of time, which would be better spent having a blast say WTF? to it all.

But, to each their own I guess.

Our New Digs!

The last couple of weeks have been nothing but a whirlwind of activity, while we packed up our stuff and moved into our new home. Good Lord! What a boring start to a blog post. Let me try again.

Moving can be a royal fucking pain in the ass!

When one has OCD!

Better?

Anyway, quick history. We were looking out for another place for a while now, and finally came across something which suited us well. However, since we're Pakistani and all, what suits us might not be considered acceptable for most people. Yes, I mean you western types. You should know that in Pakistan, everyone lives in huts.

Yes, huts!

We razed everything the British built for us after they left.

Who needs fantastic architecture right?

Contrary to what people in the west get to see on the news, Pakistan is a typical third world country, and we are poor. Dirt poor. So poor in fact, that only the very rich among us can afford to bake bricks to lay as walls for their homes. The rest of us poor folk settle for thatched roofs and bamboo walls, straw or mud flooring, and four foot holes in the ground which serve as our toilets.

But, we have wireless internet!

I get so tired of people constantly thinking we Pakistanis are a modern country. Tired of them thinking we have cable television, cars, fine dining restaurants and educational institutions. Tired of them thinking some of us actually wear western clothes, shop at malls and ***gasp*** speak English! So, I'll take this moment to give credit to my Mexican born English translator, without whom I could never blog, or sign my name. She's the "Press 1 for English" kind in case you were wondering.

Her family who have lived in America for a decade still press '2.'

So, our new house. It's fantastic, and since words cannot do it enough justice, I asked a British tourist to take a picture of it for everyone to see. In exchange I gave him some flat bread which was supposed to be my kids' dinner.

Isn't it awesome?

We're ordering our furniture from Pottery Barn!

Pictures of the interior coming soon! Have a good weekend everyone!

The Green Eyed, Hateful Kind!

So, I'm going to talk about hate filled people today, and not just your average hate filled person. There is one particular brand of people who go through life hating everyone, and they are none other than... Social outcasts. Not, the ones who try to fit in, not the ones who get shunned for their looks or brains, but the ones who envy everyone and everything around them, instead of just attempting to better themselves.

Do you remember this type of person in high school?

She was always the one glaring at you when you laughed, turning her nose up your new outfit, tattling to the teacher for imagined offenses, spying/stalking/eavesdropping and generally making a nuisance of herself, so much so that everyone avoided her.

And, then she cried foul.

Because she was hateful.

And, a fugmuppet*.

Later, she grew up physically and didn't like what she saw in the mirror, because all that frowning and nose wrinkling etched a permanent look of disdain on her face, which no amount of face cream could ever erase. And, so she hated people more, because she was unhappy with herself. She then proceeded to stir shit every chance she got, and loathed anyone who was liked and respected. She's still visible in groups today, buttering up the right people, handing out sob stories to win sympathy, and attempting humor which makes little to no sense. She puts on a fake face and wins attention.

While inside, she's still seething.

And, plotting her revenge.

I've always disliked this kind of person, and got into way too much trouble in school defending people who she decided she hated. I was also on the hate list, but didn't give a rat's ass generally, because I'm tough, what with being a Pakistani chick and all. What startles me though, is how this hate is carried into adulthood and how much it grows. It's very, very sad, and downright ridiculous. People like this really need to find their own island, and live together in perfect haterimony.

But, of course they won't.

And, now with the internet, and it's various social networks, they're full of glee as they sit protected behind a screen and spew their venom, and imagine all the fun everyone else is having at their expense. Why they don't move on, and get some therapy is beyond me. I mean, I know it's not possible for them to get laid regularly, or even occasionally, but really!

Buy a vibrator!

And, leave people alone.

I've always taken the internet for what it really is. A nice resource, and a time suck. It's perfect for everyone who cares to have a little down time, catch up with friends, exchange jokes, stories, links, constantly update on Twitter and Facebook.. Indulge in wasteful creative blogging. So, when I log on, the last thing I want to see is crap ass drama.. Not that I don't enjoy drama from time to time, but it has to be good. I mean if you're going to do the wrong thing and create trouble, at least put some effort into it, and do it right. Sitting in back rooms plotting the destruction of nice people, with your own hateful kind is not the way to go. Stalking is not cool either, and on the internet it just makes you look pathetic. So, please be constructive.

And, start by getting a life!

*Thanks G - Your expressions are the best!

The Good, the Bad, and the Fugly!

Hmm, thinking, and some more thinking, attempting to brainstorm for fresh and interesting topics I can blog about... Coming up with nothing all frickin week!

I'm pathetic.

I suppose everyone is well past the whole Yippeee it's 2010, let's make resolutions we'll forget about next week. Thank goodness it's over, because I got so sick of listening to people go on and on about diet and exercise (that tops the list every year doesn't it?), putting the past behind them, saving more money, taking out more "me" time blah blah blah. No one mentions enjoying sex more, or anything fun...

Like selling the kids.

Can you tell I'm not in the greatest of moods? Well, that's because I'm tired. It's been non-stop chaos in our house since a week before Christmas. Everyone was home (that alone increases my stress levels to epic proportions by day 3), everything needed to be done, people visited and stayed long past their welcome, the kids got way too many toys, it rained cardboard boxes and batteries all over my living room, while their room's floor vanished under an avalanche of toys. The laundry pile kept increasing, no matter how much I grabbed from it, and threw into the wash machine, often without any detergent or water, because I was trying to hide the excess clothes in there, and fully planning to burn wash them in the new year. And, I got tired of all that before the year ended.

Then, 2010 came along and, my already quite grumpy and tired self logged on to Facebook for some nice rest and relaxation, some new year wishes, some Bejeweled Blitz. But, I ended up getting cyber assaulted by some psychotic loon instead. Who also happens to be an old friend... Now former. Very former! So former in fact, that if I turned around, and looked behind me through a telescope, I would not be able to spot them. Yes, it was that bad, and I'm glad it's over. Good riddance and all that, because seriously, some people are just plain fucked up.

This attack was a surprise, although not a big one. I detected some weird behavior over the course of 2009, and expected this person to spontaneously combust at some point. Did not expect that to happen all over my computer monitor. And, I honestly didn't know what to do when it happened... Well, because for one, my nice screen got all messed up with the combustion, and second of all... It was the frickin holiday season for the love of sanity! People tend to enjoy the holidays, with family events, parties, fun, alcohol. Not indulge in bat shit crazy drama, with a side of crap, and vomit for dessert.

On New Year's Eve!

WTF? Who, pray tell me decides to let loose their pent up anger on new year's eve? In an email? At midnight? Thank goodness the internet on my phone sucked so I didn't see the crap till Jan 2nd. But, come on... New Year's Eve? (How many times did I say that?) A time for fun? Drinks? Fun? (OK, OK, some people sleep through it, and they're not losers) But, why would someone, anyone not want to smooch the hell out of their significant other at midnight on New Year's Eve, if they're awake? Why would they be on the internet creating drama, and blasting off hate mail all over the place? It's madness! It's pathetic! It's sad!

It's blog fodder*

So, anyway... We've reached the end of week one of the new year, and I'm already up to my pupils in schedules, routines, homework, laundry (still planning the bonfire since my motto of "A load a day, keeps heaps away" went to hell in a laundry basket.) And, am not ashamed to admit that I was relieved when everyone left the house early Monday morning, back to their regular routines of school, work and general out of the houseness. After they left, I locked the door and wept.

Tears of joy!

Happy New Year everyone... Have a great 2010.

*Stolen from my good friend @marymac, because she's so good with the words.

Visiting Coupledumb!

My first guest post! Woo Hoo!

And, I am so very honored to have been asked by the most kick ass, and lovable couple in the blogsphere, Lee and Paul at coupledumb.com

It's all about Christmas folks, so head on over there, read my latest post Don't Need a Reason for the Season and leave me some love (or hate, if that's what you do), and be sure to also check out the other great posts by Lee & Paul.

Cheers!

Ben 10 Alien Swarm - Coming Soon

He didn't win a battle, when it came to getting my permission to watch Ben10 on Cartoon Network (aka Crap Network). He's lucky, because Mama must admit she quite likes little Ben10 herself, and teenage Ben10, and Ben10 Alien Force, just as much as he does. Yes, Mama is a fan of a kids' cartoon show, and may or may not watch it even if the kids aren't home. Admit it, you all watch the Backyardigans, or The Wiggles, and even Dora the Explorer... And, you all find yourself humming their songs while you shower.... Ha!! So, don't judge me!

So, you want to really bond with your almost five year old son? Ben10 will do it for you.

Ben is not as big an obsession as Lightning McQueen. Oh no, no NO... NEVER! Because, Lightning is the coolest, most bestest sports car in the whole universe, and when all little boys grow up, they want to be red racing cars with cocky grins, and '95' tattooed on their abs.

Ka-Chow!

But, back to Ben, the average kid with a powerful watch type device, which turns him into an alien fighting... alien. Ben, also has a cousin Gwen, who has "pink" super powers, so at our house the show is loved by both male and female child alike. And, of course Mommy. So, when that damn Cartoon Network begins advertising the November release of Ben10 Alien SWARM, it's almost as bad as all those suburban moms anxiously awaiting the release of New Moon.... At our house at least.

All, I've been hearing for the last few weeks out of B is "Is it November yet?"

At first I thought the kid was just excited because their birthday is in November, but later I realized Cartoon Network is advertising Ben10 Alien SWARM (not yelling, that's how it's titled on CN) like crazy. And today, they decided to take it one step further, by announcing a contest! How fun is that?

Not fun at ALL! (Now, I'm yelling).

The upcoming contest, requires kids to watch Cartoon Network, from Mon-Fri all through November. If they do, they get details of the contest, and a chance to win fabulous action figures and a Ben10 wrist device. All through November... Every single weekday evening. Schools are being left in the dust, let me tell you. Parents don't stand a chance either. We need to get off our collective "Here's your appreciation certificate" or "Here's a sticker for being good" asses, and stock up on action figures!

Or, we're going to lose.

But, right now, I really don't care. There's less than a week left for October to end, and those action figures look really cool.. So, off my high horse I get, because...

Well, I like action figures too.

***snerk***

Hostile to Halloween? Um.. What?

"Halloween has strong roots in paganism and is closely connected with worship of the Enemy of this world, Satan. It is a holiday that generally glorifies the dark things of this world, rather than the light of Jesus Christ, The Truth."

Well then, how can I read something like that and not respond to it, right?

So, this eeeeevil festival of... Candy? Costumes? Jack-o-Lanterns and fun? Satan worshiping? Really?

Shut up!

Seriously, you nutty, over the top, crazy, religious (Christian) people. Just.shut.up.

I'm not going to get into the history of this festival, and how it originated in pagan times blah blah blah. It's all commercial fun now (at least in America it is), and I don't see why it should be such a big deal to Christians. Oh wait, some of them don't approve of the "pagan traditions" and all that. But, they won't stop participating in all those traditions, and rituals the church adopted from the pagans themselves generations ago, then twisted around and merged into Christianity. Christmas and Easter anyone?

Why do some of these religious types insist on keeping worms up their butts? They really shouldn't. It makes them irritable and mean. And, when that happens, they start attacking all the fun stuff this world has to offer us. They want people to stop dressing their kids up in cute costumes, and going out to get free candy from neighbors, they want to burn Harry Potter books, and put condom manufacturers out of business. It's all very sad. And to think, all they would have to do to stop behaving like freakazoids, is take a dose or two of some deworming med. That's not asking too much of them right?

So, anyway... Halloween. We celebrate it every year! We also celebrate Eid and Diwali and Christmas with Santa Claus. You know that big old imaginary guy in a red suit? And, we all know how red is the devil's color, and that Satan really just stuffs himself with food for months before December, gets really fat, adds some white trim to his clothes, and gives kids tons of toys, which brainwash them and make them hate God.

That's what we do. So, when my son decided he wanted to dress up as Jesus this Halloween, I had to say no. "Can't combine religion with heathen practices", I told him. "What's religion?" he asked. "That's a question only grandma can answer" I replied. "Do you know anything?" he muttered. "Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog..." I chanted on my way out of them room, and followed that with an evil cackle, while he cowered in fear, of the whipping he knew was coming.

Later they both told me they wanted to dress up as Ben 10, and one of the Power Puff girls. B was Ben 10 last year, so when he saw his pictures from 08, he promptly decided he wanted to be Ben 10 Alien SWARM instead of regular old, boring Ben 10. Five minutes later, he wanted to be Lightning McQueen... Um That is SO not happening dude! Try again. H of course kept changing her mind too. But, that's only because they're designed to combine their indecision, and make life even more interesting for me than it usually is.

We have less than a week left... Their costumes, after many, MANY suggestions, arguments, tears, laughter and yelling, are nearly ready. There will be no more better ideas, no more planning. Just lots of scary cookie baking, and decorating.

And... All's quiet on the Christian front too.

They must be busy bottling the Holy Water, to douse us with on the 31st.

Facebook Friday!

So, what did you all do while Facebook was down most of this week? And, why do I almost always begin my blog posts with "So...?" Have you noticed? It's really annoying isn't it? I have no idea why I do it.. But, I speak like that a lot of the time, and I guess it's a habit now.

So... How annoying is this, now that I pointed it out to those of you who never noticed?

Back to Facebook, and how it remained inaccessible most of the week. For Facebook fanatics who couldn't log in, the world literally stopped! It was like the End of Days had finally arrived, and many were spotted looking up to the heavens, arms open wide, shouting "We are worthy!." For those who managed to log in, but were unable to access any applications, or update their statuses, it was pure hell on earth. In all seriousness, if the gods had decided to rain tongues of fire down on us, these people would barely have noticed. So deep was their anguish over not being able to play Mafia Wars, or whatever it is they like to do on Facebook.

I had some problems logging in two days ago, and went over to Facebook's main page to see what was up. They had a nice little message posted there which said We are experiencing a technical issue with one of our databases that is resulting in an extended period of maintenance for some of you. We are working on a fix and hope to have this resolved in the next 24 hours. Below that were a number of comments, some of which were hilarious. So, I did a bad thing and copied a few to post here. Also, couldn't resist adding my own little comebacks to them, because I'm mean and like to poke fun at people.

Ready?

wich is why i CARNT AXCESS PROFILES!!!!!!!!!
So typing in CAPS will make them work faster to solve your problem? And, dude! You need to re-learn grammar and spelling.

I keep getting this message askin for my email addy before i can have any gifts i sent it the first time but im gettin a headache seein it again an again when all i want is another pair of jelly shoes
Um.. What?

all americans are dicks
Because your Facebook is not working? How much do you pay your therapist?

wanna knw who view my profile more!
They can't get the site working, dumb ass! I'm guessing your stupid request was ignored.

I hate fucking facebook
Try a human being!

My farmville won't work!! Help me please
Oh no! Did all your crops die? Did they? How badly has this dented your coin bank? Are your cows OK?

it's okay guys
every site had problems
and facebook team are humans
and not gods to not make mistakes
facebook team : i respect you guys and i respect everything you did and you are doing to keep us connected ... Take your time fixing this and don't give a shit about the that impolite comments
Thanks again
When I rule the world, you shall be my Ass Kisser in Chief!

Check out my website while facebook is down http://www.moo-farm.co.uk for fantastic bath products at low prices! Bath bombs, shower gels and much much more! Buy today delivered tomorrow!
OK, I can't say anything bad about a shameless plugger!

I can't go to chat and my cousin just married. FUCK
Were you planning on typing him/her through the ceremony?

Hey my fb's finee. Never broke and im on everyday. Suppose im just lucky ;) ?
People loathe people like you. Always have, always will.

fix it as soon as possible im struggling now
It usually takes about three days to detox, YOU CAN DO THIS!

I didn't miss Facebook much... I've barely been reading status updates lately, or even looking at the zillion and one photographs my friends keep uploading. But, I'm insanely addicted to Bejeweled Blitz and when I couldn't log into the application............. I was fine. No really, it wasn't like I broke out into a cold sweat or anything. My hands didn't tremble, I didn't feel lightheaded and irritable... Nothing like that....

New Moon - Wolf vs Vampire

Right, so, here I am, coffee cup steaming, laptop switched on (It's almost never switched off, but who cares?) and fingers-a-tingling as I get ready to piss off part of the female population around the world. Because.... I'm going to talk about New Moon - The Twilight Saga. I ranted about the books once, and forgot to put a disclaimer at the top of my post, which pissed someone off a little. But, that's all water under the bridge now, and I have to rant a little about the whole OMG-New Moon-the-movie-is-almost-out gagfest taking the world by storm.

I will be killed. There is no doubt in my mind, that a bunch of women will descend on me and rip the limbs off my body, and then use them as burnt offerings for the god of all gods... EdwardfrickinCullen! And, I doubt Cullen would call down from the heavens and ask them to sacrifice a lamb instead. The darling boy would probably yell "Don't BURN her you idiots! Bring me her blood!! Edward would want my blood, trust me. It's good blood.

Anyway, so New Moon, where Edward is not around and attempts suicide in Italy by public sparking, before Bella saves his ass. Of course, before all that, Bella attempts suicide herself, clearly because what'shiswolf is not a good enough kisser. I mean a wolf's breath cannot compare to the breath of a vampire people! If you had a choice, would you kiss an animal who ate meat, or a corpse who drank blood?

No contest!

Do I come across as a mocking bitch? (Isn't that some kind of bird?). Well, I'm not. If you read between the lines, you'll see (look really hard... it's there I promise) just how this is all my jealousy talking. I'm envious of Bella Swan. First of all, her name is so pretty... Isabella Swan. Anyone with a one syllable name would envy that. Secondly, she has the most fascinating love life (lives?). A vampire and a werewolf are both in love with her. What are the chances of that ever happening to me? I've never had such exotic type men love me in my whole life. Plenty of dogs yes, but dogs are not wolves... not since they evolved and shit.

So, I'm jealous of Bella Swan and I want to be mean about it. I want to say it's a crappy, god awfully long story which nearly cured my insomnia, and the first movie was blah. It makes me feel less jealous. Venting is so therapeutic don't you think?

Oh and, I'll watch New Moon, please don't doubt that. I'll do it in much the same way I stop to stare at bad road accidents.

Throw your tomatoes if you must... and bring your hatchets... My limbs await you.

My Tree Hugging, Dirt Worshippers!

So, hello again and please don't ask where I've been, or why I haven't been feeling creative enough to blog the last few (really? few?) weeks. Let's talk about this week instead, and how my kids spent the better part of it chanting out their "lines" in preparation for Environment Month at school.

Kindergartners obsessed with the environment! What the hell is this world coming to? Honestly, I'm very annoyed at how seriously they seem to be taking this whole "Save the Earth" stuff. You're probably thinking "Oh they're four. How concerned can they be?" Well, when H goes around the house, switching off lights, regardless of whether there are people in the room or not, and announces "We should not use so much electric city" and when B randomly asks "WHY do people kill the Blind Dolphin? How can they EAT DOLPHINS?" you know they're headed towards obsession, and possibly going to become tree hugging environmentalists, who will insist we live in thatched roof huts, and eat organic vegetables forever.

Apparently, I never told them beef comes from cows. Well, I told them it comes from cows, I just didn't say how, and being three at the time, they were too naive to ask those deep and meaningful questions like "Do cows have to die so we can eat their meat?" But now with all this "Save the Earth" stuff, they're asking the questions people! So, in the usual direct way I respond to my kids, I told them yes, cows have to die so we can eat their meat. "Ohhhhh people are HORRIBLE" announced H. "Oh that's just GUSTING" announced B. "I'm never eating meat AGAIN" declared H. "Me either" said her adoring twin.

I guess we're not having steaks for dinner tonight.

They've also decided to recycle everything. And, I mean everything! I found them shoving empty biscuit packets into the family room couch, and I was like what in the world are you guys doing that for? And they were like "We're saving the packets for our next biscuits." "Those biscuits will already have their own packets" I told them. "But that's not RE-CYCLING Mama" So I was all like "Yeah, but neither is shoving it into the couch, it's better to find a way to RE-USE it for something else don't you think?" And they looked at me like Dude, we already have a plan. Go away!"

Do boarding schools still just concentrate on lessons and discipline?

Still, I happily dismissed their psycho babble about old newspapers, and that God awful song they kept singing all week Save the Eaarrrrrrthhh, Save the Eaarrrrrttthhhhh, and attended their class presentation this morning. Watched their class jump on stage and do their thing. It was pretty cool to be honest. All of them dressed in green, with different 'Green' messages pasted on their shirts, yelling out the lyrics of Save the Eaaarrrrrttthhhh completely off key, and grinning ear to ear. B&H both delivered their lines on recycling and saving the dolphins pretty well, and well dammit, they make their Mama proud.

I suppose old biscuit packets can be used as couch stuffing at some point.

Save the Earrrrrrtthhh!!!

Obama's Speech to Students, and God's Talk with Me

So, I cannot get over all the crap going on in the United States, about President Obama wanting to address students regarding education. Seriously, have people gone insane?

Dumb question, let's try again.

Do people realize how insane they are?

The President of a country, wants to make a speech telling kids to stay in school, take responsibility for their education, work hard... and people are angry about this? You have got to be at least... really, at least a hundred different kinds of idiot to be upset that your kids might..

1) Hear him
2) Listen to what he says
3) Get influenced by it and do well in school

A hundred different kinds of idiot.

I couldn't figure out why they were going SO crazy, about such a small thing. So, I decided to talk to God about it. And, we both chatted about this on YIM today. No, not using voice, just regular stone age internet text chat. And, I saved the conversation for you all... Just in case you don't believe He really does have a Yahoo account.

OneTruGod: Hey Smart ass

BitchBliss: (Yes, that's my YIM username) Hey Big G!

OneTruGod: So what's up with all these humans going nuts over Obama speaking to kids in school?

BitchBliss: Don't ask me, I thought they were your fans, you should know... Shouldn't you have already known? I was going to ask you ffs!

OneTruGod: Don't start your crap with me Missy

BitchBliss: WTF? I ask you one simple question and you get all pissy.. I'm logging off

OneTruGod: No, no wait... Sorry, it's been a rough day

BitchBliss: You have days like regular people?

OneTruGod: Will you just shut it?

BitchBliss: OK, sorry, what happened?

OneTruGod: Too many crazies accepting my boy JZ, some were screaming his name so loud I thought I was going to go deaf

BitchBliss: Are you sure they were accepting him and not um, you know... just having great sex?

OneTruGod: I know the difference smart ass

BitchBliss: OK.. OK just trying to be helpful

OneTruGod: So, about Obama and the students, what's the latest?

BitchBliss: What? Am I your news service now? Why don't you just sign up for a Twitter account like I told you to? Stay in touch with current events and all that?

OneTruGod: No time

BitchBliss: Excuses, excuses, just do it already! Then you would know how your fans in America are going bat shit crazy because their President wants to give their kids a speech.

OneTruGod: I have no idea what's wrong with them, I like Obama... And, he speaks so beautifully, even the angels stop playing their harps to listen.

BitchBliss: Your angels still play harps? What is this? 1702?

OneTruGod: It's not like he's going to brainwash them... He just wants to talk. I can see inside his heart, his intentions are good.

BitchBliss: Do you look inside their hearts? Your fans I mean.

OneTruGod: Um, no.. I rarely bother

BitchBliss: WHAT? But they're your fans! That's unfair to them. Go look RIGHT now and tell me what you see.

OneTruGod: OK, OK... brb

OneTruGod: Back

BitchBliss: You can seriously do shit like that in one second?

OneTruGod: Yeah so?

BitchBliss: Coolness! So whatdidyousee?

OneTruGod: Crap!

BitchBliss: You saw crap?

OneTruGod: That's right, They're full of crap!

BitchBliss: Well, I could have told you that, and I can't see inside their hearts.

OneTruGod: Show off!

BitchBliss: So, are they going to lighten up a bit?

OneTruGod: **Sigh*** No... they'll keep at it. And since they have free will and all that....

BitchBliss: Free will? Really?

OneTruGod: Well, yeah, that part's true

BitchBliss: And the rest is all false?

OneTruGod: Well.... Umm anyway I gtg shower

BitchBliss: You shower? I thought you were spotlessly clean always and shiny like a bright light.

OneTruGod: Smart ass! ttyl

BitchBliss: K... later... Maybe then we can chat about your fans in Pakiland who want to eliminate music from schools?

OneTruGod: ***sigh*** Do we have to?

BitchBliss: Not really...

OneTruGod: Thank Self!

BitchB$liss: LOL You're weird...

OneTruGod: Back at ya babe! Peace out!

So there we have it. God thinks they're all full of crap! Nothing we can do about it.

Thanks for stopping by people! And, don't forget to teach your kids the difference between right, and the religious right!

Have a great weekend!