Apologies! My Kids Were Not Featured on Facebook Today!

My kids did nothing worthy of a Facebook status update today, and I am SO bummed!

I woke them up with the usual, Rise and Shine... Brighter than the sun, and all the nighttime stars, for thou art both brilliance in little bodies. - But, nothing. They groaned, moaned, one promptly fell back asleep, the other flashed a fake smile, grabbed her pillow and made her way to the couch.

After they were dressed and ready to leave, I took pause from my usual yelling at them to hurry the hell up, and  gave them their daily instructions: Read all your lessons well, pay attention to the teacher, make sure your hand goes up first to answer any and all questions, score 100 points for Gryffindor! - The kissed me somewhere around my mid-section and left.

Pick up from school, and I expected them to once again assault me with their brilliance. - One cried, the other dragged his water bottle on the ground, and kept asking me ridiculous questions such as "What's for lunch?"

No homework today, so it's really the teacher's fault, for not assigning them a book report on Of Mice and Men. She cost me a photo opp on Facebook, and will receive a note from me tomorrow.

In the evening, after several attempts by me to make them swallow some non-fiction, adult reading materials whole, they opted for TV instead, and some form of insane running around the house. Read the Dictionary at LEAST!! I yelled. - They ignored me.

Dinner time, and there could have been some much awaited brilliance.... Had I not served french fries with their chops.

By bedtime, my patience had worn thin, and my empty social networking pages screamed for something. Anything!! So, the usual stories were not read, the nightly hugs and kisses dismissed, while we discussed OPK (Other People's Kids). Laptop on... Well, my lap, I read them every single Mommy Brag I could find online, till they cried with shame, and begged for mercy. 

There is no room for average children in this house! I said with finality.

They promised they'd do better tomorrow.... So wait for the update.

Of Legends, Maestros, Drunks and Idiots...

The Express Tribune blogs have been filling up a number of free and lazy moments for me during this endless summer. Most of the blogs written don't do much for me, some make me laugh, some are hard hitting, and some are plain old rubbish. But, far be it from me to insist (as some do) that some of those bloggers stop blogging. Writing is after all, writing, and dialogue is important. The ET blogs provide a good enough platform. As always though, I draw the line at nonsense.

You knew that was coming didn't you?

Blog dated June 12, by a member of Karachi's Catholic community, paying tribute to one of 'Pakistan's Portuguese wonders', Ralph D'Aranjo. The blogger begins by mentioning the Portuguese people's contribution to the early music industry??? in Pakistan.

OK, first of all, what is up with the overuse of the word Portuguese? We have always been known as Goans, and yes some of us are of Portuguese descent, many are not, so let's not get carried away shall we? Besides, plenty of the Anglo-Indians in Pakistan also contributed to the music scene in this country. And, so did the Punjabi Christians, such as the famous Benjamin Sisters.

The comments which followed the post were both interesting, annoying, severely mooching, and one or two downright nasty, as one male decided to create a ruckus about the blogger's relationship with the 'honored' one's daughter, and let fly with a rant reaching epic proportions. I mean come ON... If you mention Misquita Blocks, then I don't know what to say to you. And, there were mostly all Christians commenting, with a couple of courtesy comments from non-Christians, which to be honest was like being blasted into those days of yore, when we all attended a Christmas dance at the Karachi Goan Association, and took a couple of our Muslim friends along, even though the tickets clearly stated "For members and their Christian guests only' - Um and you thought minorities were not capable of discrimination? Ha!

OK, back to all these musicians with magical fingers. The 'maestros', the 'legends', the 'chosen ones.' I remember the stories well, from my parents, neighbors, etc. Of how the night life in Karachi was so great back in the day. Of course, I grew up in happy, happy Zia-ul-Haq time, so our night life was mostly a 'Get indoors before 9 O'clock curfew.' But, the Christian musicians were around still. They were at every freakin wedding, dance and hotel lobby in the city. Some were great musicians, truly remarkable. They played, they taught music, they  entertained, and then many of them left the country, and now all those great, not so great, and the downright idiotic, reminisce about their glory days on Facebook pages dedicated to them. OK, maybe one Facebook page, which calls them all legends or some such nonsense.

But, a good number of them? Drunks!

And, I worked long enough in the hotel industry to know that first hand. Hell, I grew up in the Christian community, and was no stranger to weddings since my early childhood, and enough dances in my teenage and beyond, to know that a lot of these so called 'masteros' were nothing more than slobbering drunks, who played and sang off key (mostly because they were drunk) to crowds within their own community, who were 1. Little kids who didn't know more than 'drums are for banging' 2. Teenagers, who just wanted to fucking dance to anything that sounded like Boy George or Dire Straits and 3. Middle aged to senior people who were also mostly very drunk (hey Dad! ;)), and happy to jive to oldies music. Not that a lot of them needed the music. If there was a dance floor, they'd make their own music. Yes, a lot of them were just that good... Credit to many of them who remain so. As were some of those greats from bands like The Black Jacks, The Key Notes, The Visions, etc. (Can you tell I grew up in the 80's?).

But, the bullshit of that whole blog got to me. It really did. Not so much because it was about one man, who to his credit is the last of the old musical dinosaurs, but that it implied something about people from a community, who were for the most part anything but great. One other person in the comments section really got my attention. At the end of his comment he said these guys are better off playing in some restaurant hotel, living quietly because that is all they can afford to do while their social and family life falls apart. 

Why do the honest voices remain a minority in everything?

And, I wanted to respond with 'That's what most of them do now.' In fact, many of them never left those hotel lobbies. Sure, a few went on to do good things, but if you walk into one of those hotels tonight, you'll see them there still. Old men, ragged by the booze, and desperately trying to hold on to either a mic or a guitar. 

A people of considerable talent, but many of them lacking in ambition, and drive.

It is nice to sometimes hear of the days gone by, but it is equally important to look at the here and now. I see young and upcoming musicians, both within the Christian community, and outside it, and these same 'greats' pay them no heed. And yet, we have idiots glorifying the old fuddies, and the old fuddies lapping up the adoration without more than a passing thought to the younger generation. These poor young souls will excitedly post links and info to their next 'big' performance at BRC's Open Mic Night, and what not, but will anyone care? 

No, they won't. 

And, they're good! Some could be great. The have talent, they have drive, and they want to be something.

No, but let's just keep walking ass backwards down memory lane, and making stuff up as we go along. Let's glorify idiots who held a bottle of QDL in one hand, and a mic in the other. Let's not give a crap for the next generation. Let's not cheer them on, hold them up as examples, promote them, maybe even glorify a few of the deserving ones. No, instead, let's work really hard to embellish a history, and keep it on record. 

Cheers!

The Only Good That Comes Out of Pakistan, is Slims

I have a childhood friend, who lives in the U.S. who is one of the most pro-Pakistani people I know. Having left Karachi in her teens, she and her family made it to the states, and settled down in Florida. Now, a working mother of two gorgeous children, she is a self-made, strong and independent woman. And, she never forgets where she comes from, and what she really is. A Pakistani. Born, raised and proud of her roots.

It's getting more and more rare to spot these kinds of people. Not that I blame many who prefer to distance themselves from Pakistan, what with our current state of affairs, and hogwash. Not to mention former Pakistanis in the west, looking to avoid hate crimes, just because of who they are. But, bullshit? That comes out in the form of some Pakistani Americans, ranting and hurling abuse against a nation they were born in.

This same friend, proudly posted a link on her Facebook page, about Mir Zafar Ali, a local kid, who is now an Oscar winning, Visual Effects Specialist in the U.S. - She was immediately assaulted by a former Pakistani who commented with "One out of what billion? The only good that comes out of Pakistan is Slims."

How quickly can you say 'douchebag'? 

This idiot claims to not be proud of being Pakistani. I feel he should address the fact that he is a pessimist, and seek out therapy. There is a LOT of crap going on in Pakistan, tons of it. And, those of us living here know it better than anyone else. But, let's set a few things straight shall we?

• The nation as a whole did not hide OBL in their neighborhoods.
• Many, many Pakistanis have never even been to Abbotabad
• And, while we're at it, it's Abbot-ah-baadh, not Abbot-abid
• No, we are not heading to the beach everyday, to see if we can spot OBL's remains. And, not because some American has already beat us to it.
• There is no shrine to OBL near our seafront. I promise.

Now, back to the idiot (although, I'm really calling him 'dickhead' in my mind).

As my friend pointed out to him, he is probably wearing clothing with 'Made in Pakistan' tags on. Or, he could be wearing 'Made in USA' tags, which were really just printed here in good old Pakiland. And, I'm betting he uses a good slathering of Fair & Lovely everyday, just so he can maybe turn white at some point, and feel he is truly American. He chooses to remain ignorant to the fact, that many Pakistani Americans are successful in their chosen fields, be it medicine, politics, engineering and yes, even crime.

Not forgetting to mention how he ends up labeling himself, and his entire family as "nothing good" because you know, they have literally come out of Pakistan.

So, the question is, how are we any different from anyone else?

We're not. Except that maybe we're currently bleeding a lot more than most people.

Pakistanis abroad, and Western Pakistanis here. I have a message for you (not all of you, just the douche bags amongst you).

For the ones who left, and can't stop bitching. Read that again... You left. You tried here, and you failed, or maybe you didn't try at all, so you ended up trying somewhere else. And, maybe that minimum wage job is giving your ego a little boost right now, but not enough to make you feel more special than the Oscar winning dude.  However, you should know, that no matter where you go in that vast land of the free, you are, and always will remain just another Pakistani, to those who you probably grovel before. 

For the ones who came back here. If you're not trying to make a difference, not making the sacrifices (and I don't mean a 'I-just-took-one-vacation-this-year'  or "I-only-have-two-power-generators-not-four-so-I-am-making-the-ultimate-sacrifice" sacrifice.), get off your high horse, STFU with your bitching about this country, and grow up. There are people far, far worse off than you are. And, really... If you are going to insist on calling us "third world" you leave me no choice but to call you 'third class.'

This country may not be perfect, in fact, it's crazy right now. But, there are people who live here, work here, raise their families here. And, they're not all bad people. So, please, enough with the bullshit.

P.S. While writing this, I decided I should maybe one day write about Pakistanis in the west, who every day set an example of what the 'good Pakistani' is all about. The ones who hold fast to their culture, their traditions, their homeland. I'm sure there are numerous stories out there, that should be told.

Great Balls of Fire!

Discussing fires yesterday, with a group of friends, I realized we don't really consider fire too much of a threat here in Pakistan. I'm sure, in Karachi people have some kind of fire escape plan, should their houses ever catch on fire. Calling the fire department, would be last on their lists of course. I remember years ago, working at a local hotel, which decided to excessively conduct a series of fire drills one year. Some of us were selected to climb out of the fifth floor (big ass hotel floors folks, not your average residential building floors), and then fight our way down a canvas chute, attached to a fire truck. I signed up, took the elevator up, climbed out of the balcony, started down the chute, then remembered I'm claustrophobic. Of course, the two firefighters there to assist us, thought I was mental. I climbed back out, jumped back into the balcony, and watched the firefighter light a cigarette, before I went off in search of a drink.

Should there be a fire in the apartment building we live in, I have an escape plan in mind. We live on the 1st floor, so instead of running down stairs, while the building burns, and people stampede, I think it would be easier to tie the kids in sheets, and lower them over the balcony. The Huz, would need to climb down first, which is fine, because he can climb up and down sewerage pipes easily (at least he used to over a decade ago, when footballs, and tennis balls needed retrieving). I see a great future for him in the U.S. as a firefighter, should we ever move there. And of course, if that happens, I will be a fire-fighter's wife, and expect everyone to thank me for my husband's service. Oh wait... wrong service.

As you can see, fire is not scary in Pakistan. In fact, we love fire over here, more than we love to hate our cricket team... At least that's what it's been like in the last decade. BOOM goes a market, then everything catches fire, and people gleefully jump over burning carts, and flaming fruit stalls to rescue old men and women, who were only there for a bargain. OK, maybe not gleeeeefully, but man can they jump.

Then, of course there are the groups who hate "blasphemers", and burn down their residences, villages, churches, and parts of their towns,  After, which the media will film the burning for hours, while people watch, and young children learn why their city is called the "City of Lights" and/or 'The most violent city in the world.' 

As you can see, no panic. We're a fearless bunch.

Tyre burning is another great local sport. Fuel prices go up, power outages become unbearable, "rival groups burned tyres on Tuesday? It's our turn now." It doesn't matter. People find their excuse, and take to the streets, yanking tyres off vehicles, drenching them in petrol and setting them ablaze on main roads. Other people abandon their cars, and run around looking for more tyres, to throw on the massive fires all around them. Most go home, because watching endless re-runs of it on the news, while sipping chai at a local Dhaba, or alternatively, updating Facebook with "OMG I was just THERE" is more appealing.

One lonely tyre... Not for long.

Bus burning. Well, because buses are just so goddamned badass, and big, and look so scary when set ablaze. Why not? And, easily accessible too, these buses, since they can always be found on the streets, shuttling working people back and forth, so you know, they can maybe earn a living, and feed their small children.

Looks gorgeous in print doesn't it?

  

Flag burning. No excuse needed, it's yet another fiery national sport, sponsored by people who clearly manufacture international flags, and have lots of 'Not fit for export' ones to spare. India, Israel, The Netherlands, Sweden, were this decades favorites, OK, OK, the Indian flag has always been a favorite.... coming in second, only to Israel. Until recently that is. Then came the American flag... And, the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave? Nonsense! Ah, it remains the most sought after flag to burn. Even though there seems to be an endless supply of it available, at any given impromptu flag burning ceremony. If you've burned an American flag, you're a hero.

But please, keep giving us visas, and aid for Sesame Street productions.

Coming in last, but certainly not the least. The effigy. One cannot begin to describe the passion and emotion behind the burning of an effigy in Pakistan. We've burned so many over the years, created so many remarkable likenesses from George W. and the Pope, to members of our national cricket team  The effigy, without doubt, is our true love.

Dude, why are you beating it?

All this talk of fire has made me hungry. Think I'll fire up the grill tonight.

Mad, Mad World

A few days into the new year, and Pakistan was shaken with yet another mindless incident, where a governor was gunned down by his own security guard for being "guilty" of standing up for minorities. 26 bullets were pumped into the governor by his assassin, who then grinning from ear to ear turned himself over to the police.

And, then all hell broke loose.

Clerics rejoiced, the masses danced, while moderates wept... And, the liberals tried to stop opening and closing their mouths like goldfish, suddenly jerked out of a crystal bowl, on a Queen Anne table.

The Christians crossed themselves several times, and gave masses.

Twitter was all abuzz, and so was Facebook... With fanatical MBAs defending the security guard, and lauding him as a hero. Old people tweeted about their sadness, and were ignored, moderates indulged in embarrassing displays of damage control, and some liberals recovered fast enough to hammer out tweets of disgust with a vengeance which was startling. There was much gnashing of teeth, and use of the word "Jaahil." 

The Indians had the time of their lives throwing fuel on an already blazing fire, Americans ignored the danger of fundamentalists in their own country, and slammed Islam, I don't know who told the people of France , that tweeting to the Pakistani public in French would be a good idea, but it happened, and got even more confusing. Then, not to be outdone, the atheists grabbed the opportunity to repeatedly declare religion a menace.

The world had gone insane.

Several days later, the madness still blazed on, as thousands took to the streets to protest an amendment to the nation's blasphemy laws. Of course, the PM is still bouncing around on TV, trying in vain to assure the rightists that no laws will be amended. Moderates are calling for peace through dialogue, and much quoting of scripture, and liberals are determined to be heard via blogs, Facebook status updates, and tweets hash tagging Pakistan, in what seems to be a contest to keep our country on Twitter's Top 10 Trends. They have suggested everything from banning Madrassas, to designating an island for maulanas and their minions, somewhere in the East Indies. After decades of standing by, watching their country being raped, simply because it benefited most of their capitalist mindsets, they have found their voice.

Bravo Liberals!

Safe to say that most liberals in the country belong to the upper classes?

Who have neglected to take responsibility for the state of this nation for too long. And, here is their payback, biting them hard in the ass. Poverty is a nasty word, and it belongs to the masses here in Pakistan. No one else wanted it, and everyone distanced themselves from it. Except the fanatical clerics, who knew a good thing when they saw it. Christians have done it for 2000 years, and who doesn't borrow from the Christians right?

So they (the clerics) opened their religious schools, fed poor children, probably housed their families, while the upper classes turned a blind eye and went shopping. Are they really surprised as to whom the masses have pledged their allegiance to? Are they really that stupid, as to NOW be blaming fanatical clerics, when they've been a thorn in our side for decades? Do they really have the right to call this nation "Jaahil" when they've done little or nothing to change things for the better? 

Did they pay taxes?

Did they fight for education reform?

Did they fight for childrens rights?

Employees rights?

Human rights?

What are they ranting about? 

We are as much responsible for the state of this country, as the fanatics are.

All of us.

Condemning the Poor - A Sense of Privilege

Over the course of the last week, two incidents occurred on Facebook. Simple status updates, and sharing of links relating to the poor, and working class of this nation, led to comments by some people, which nearly drove me up the wall. According to some (who incidentally belong to the upper class society) 90% of our nation's people are lazy, blood sucking, stab-you-in-the-back individuals, looking for a free meal, and a free life."

These comments were directed at the class of people who for the most part:

1. Work for below minimum wage

2. Are laborers, maids, sweepers, factory workers, cooks, drivers, tailors etc.

3. Are uneducated

4. Are dirt poor

5. Receive little or no benefits from their employers

6. Cannot afford healthcare

7. Cannot afford to educate their children

8. Often cannot afford to feed their children

9. Have almost no rights in the workplace

10. Are treated as inferior beings

Because, they are prisoners of birth.

So, let me tell you how much some of the other 10% contribute to this country.

1. They own their own businesses

2. They employ laborers, maids, sweepers, factory workers, cooks, drivers, tailors etc.

3. They are educated

4. They are rich

5. They will never be poor, as long as they have the poor working for them

6. They can afford healthcare, and anything else they desire

7. Can afford to send their kids to private schools, where most remain average or below average students

8. Can afford to let their kids waste an entire McDonald's meal after eating one french fry.... Daily.

9. Have every right anywhere they go, because they abide by no law except their own

10. Demand respect and often to be treated as royalty

But, let's not leave it at just 10...

11. They don't care that their private businesses do not follow labor laws, and that their staff is paid below minimum wage.

12. Their maids, cooks and drivers can usually be found working 14-15 straight days with a day off after said days are complete. These same maids and drivers, are on call 24/7 and often go without a day off for months at a time, because things would fall apart if they left.

13. They are incapable of opening a car door themselves, but think nothing of their 7 year old servant boy mopping their 14 room houses.

14. They consider a cheap cotton jora gift to their staff, and or 200 rupees for Eid as "taking care of them as if they were our own family."

15 They're not opposed to loaning their staff money, for their medical needs, but will deduct it from their pittance of a salary "to teach them some responsibility."

16. After they do that, they'll spend the day shopping for that perfect outfit which costs 20,000 rupees.

17. They will lie if they have to, to protect their businesses, and gain credibility.

19. They expect and demand a life time of gratitude for their "generosity" in granting the poor employment.

20. And, they will constantly moan about how those same people are so lazy, and always ready to stab them in the back.

It is difficult to not be outraged.

It is difficult to not want to bitch slap them from here to hell.

It is very difficult to fight them while exercising respect and calm.

I admire the people who do it. They have the patience of saints. 

Taking Time Out to Tag!

Over the last month I've drafted all of three blog posts, and published none. Well, don't I sound all writerish when I use that word? Published. Perhaps, one day... When I scan through all those old journals, and actually make some sense of all my ramblings, when I was at my rebellious best. 

So, no posts for about a month, because while I'm not lacking in rants topics to post, I just did not have the energy. But, today I see I have no choice but to post something, because I was trapped into it by my good friend Mr. Millions of Atoms, who posted some questions on his blog, and then tagged me. 

If he were standing right in front of me, I'd swat him with a rolled up newspaper.

Entrapment!

If he didn't provide me with those awesome belly laughs, I'd kick his ass. (I mean it, seriously, the guy is hilarious... Check out his blog).

And, on to the questions, I must answer. And, yeah, I'm going to post my own questions and tag five other bloggers too... That's how this works. 

1. How many M&Ms could you eat in one sitting? Round up.

Six hundred, I swear to Zues my demand could go higher than their supply.

2. Do you own an iPhone, and why/why not?

I own a Berry, and no I will not join the war on which one is "the better phone." Although, I really should, because it's fun to rouse the rabbles and watch them get all uppity about their toys.

3. Describe the first time you were aware that you had feelings for me that went beyond the "Criminal suspect" feelings that the Police have for me.

I'm picturing a certain friend of mine right now (your wife), one of my best friends actually, dressed as a female version of Rambo.... Storming over continents, and heading straight to my house. So yeah, I have NO feelings for you, besides that of sisterly love. (Pssst... Let's set up some secret email accounts and discuss this further).

4. Describe the one t-shirt that you should have thrown away five years ago, but you still inexplicably find in your t-shirt drawer.

Remind me to describe in detail the impact OCD has had on my closet. 

5. Why did the new Twilight movie make 30 million dollars in 3 hours?

I personally believe... that the producers of Twilight are able to do so... because... Uh... some people out there in your nation don't have books... And... uh... I believe that your movie industry, like such as in South Africa and... uh... the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as... And I believe that they should... Your Twilight movie over there in the U.S. should help the U.S... uh...Or, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries... So you will be able to build up your movies... for your children.

And my five questions for my blogger friends are.

1. Why do you think homophobic people always feel that gay sex is just a stepping stone away from sex with goats?

2. How many friends do you have on your Facebook friends list?

3. How many of them are your real friends?

4. Your first teacher crush was? Describe him/her in detail.

5. Why in the world would young female teens, and middle aged mothers find a sparkly virgin vampire hot?

Tagging.

Desperately Searching for my Inner Mary Poppins

Lurking in Ambush

Manic Motherhood

Pajamas and Coffee

Deadpan Thoughts

Gather Christians!

Do I really want to go down this path?

Oh yes I do!

And, why?

No reason, just sitting here on a Saturday afternoon while my brood, well OK two cannot be a brood, but saying 'my pair' could cause those twisted minds to think I'm referring to my..... feet. So, while my twins (do I hear applause from fellow "blessed because we're special" twin mamas?) are probably enjoying their last afternoon with electricity at their grandma's place. After Phet hits us tonight, we know there won't be power, we know KESC will take it all very personally and probably not restore power for a week, we know Karachi will be flooded beyond belief, and we know the poor and homeless will be dying out there, while we sit and lament about no electricity and internet. Our phones will die and OMG it'll be like experiencing another Facebook ban! How will we survive?

Who cares? This post is about Christianity.

Oh no it isn't.

Oh yes, it bloody well is.

Well, to be fair it's about Catholics in Karachi.

So, if all denominations would like to join in and read, please take your places as if in heaven, and pretend you're the only ones with the True Word. And, Catholics please don't scramble for the front row seats... I know you have the basilica and all that expensive art, but there's no need to be snotty about it.

Are you getting your children ready to receive their First Holy Communion in a few years? Is the question I've been getting asked by a lot of people lately.

No, we're Satan worshipers!

Kidding fundies, please don't burn me at the stake.

Well, I really haven't thought about it. OK I have. Once. I mean which Christian raised (in Karachi) woman in her right mind would not think of her child's FHC? Where shall we have the reception? Will the guest list exceed 500 people? Who will design and make my daughter's first time virginal white dress? Will my family in the U.S/Canada/London/UAE offer to send us the flowers and candles? Must rush off to Khori Garden to check for just the right ceramic figurines for the giveaways. Who's the best cake maker? And speaking of cakes, there simply must be a centerpiece above it waiting to rain down confetti, when the cake is cut and champagne is popped, while drum rolls and cymbal songs crash out of the over sized speakers set up in strategic locations around the Sheraton's Darbar ballroom. Open bar? But, of course! That's a tradition we can never forgo on.... Our grandfathers would haunt us from their graves if we did.

Just in case you're wondering, I really am discussing First Holy Communions in the Catholic community of Karachi, not weddings. Note, I said 'Not weddings."

The season is nearly upon us now as a few hundred parents around Karachi are busy spending all of their summer, preparing for the FHCs in the fall. I've ordered my daughter's dress from ETC Collections, one over zealous mother informed me smugly a couple of weeks ago. The dresses are expensive this year, starting at around Rs. 15,000 and reaching nearly 25,000 or more.

Insert classic jaw-drops-to-the-floor moment, or in my world the typical OMGWTF-is-she-talking-about? moment.

Oh Trevor! (as in the Trevor Castellino, creator, designer, and overall head honcho of ETC Collections). How far you've come!

But, where are we going?

And, when I say 'we', I really mean they (as in them). Because, no way in all the raging fires of Satan's lair would I pay that much for a dress for my daughter's FHC, a time might I add, when she's supposed to be receiving the... ahem body of Christ for the first time.

Ballrooms? Really? To celebrate a spiritual sacrament of the church by a child who barely understands what is going on?

*Roars of disapproval from the front row Catholics.*

Of course they understand!!!!! They're all of nine years old! They understand what it means to accept Christ into their hearts, through a wafer on the tongue. They get it and you're a cynical bitch!

You bet your ass I am.

But, it doesn't take away from the fact that little Melissa has no frickin clue what she's doing. None, nada. Because, what she really cares about (and you Khi Catholics know I'm right) is that she'll be all pretty in gauzy white that day, with a wreath of flowers on her head, and low heeled, white patent leather dancing shoes on her feet. She's also counting the gift money btw, and will inwardly curse at Aunty Josephine and others like her, who gift pretty pink rosaries and prayer books. Although not as much as her mother does about her shocking pink banarasi sari and six inch high golden slippers, for the mass... For the reception it'll be form fitting, red silk, with courtesy plunging neckline and stilettos

Where's daddy?

On the phone with the booze supplier.

Where will daddy be on that day?

Looking uncomfortable in a three piece suit at the church, and sweating profusely. And, later at the reception, simultaneously guarding and guzzling the booze.

Our Father, who art in heaven

What kind of a father have you given me here on earth?

Where was I going with this?

Right! Am I getting my children ready for this? I guess the answer for me at the moment is, a resounding no.

No, I am not getting my kids ready to receive their FHC, no I do not want to join this particular herd of "must have confetti" and "My daughter's dress is more expensive than yours neener neener" bullshit crowd. I'm naturally competitive yes, but never at the expense of my kids.

I still have a few years to decide, and my decision will be based on whether I consider it the right time for my kids spiritually or not. Not silk and fluff.

Break the bullshit tradition... That's what I do.

So Catholics.... Lay off!

Posing for Facebook!

A few days ago, a good friend of mine posted something on her Facebook status, which gave me a laugh. It's been working it's way into a blog post ever since, and finally today after successfully putting aside all the stresses of daily life, I feel ready to write about it.

Her status:

I have been wondering about this for a while now. I thought I'd ask:-) You guys who go to bars and parties and all that...Is there ever any actual fun being had (i.e. dancing, drinking, laughing)? Or is just a bunch of people packed in a space taking hundreds of posed pictures of themselves to post on FB? Anyone?

Hmm, the Facebook generation strikes again. And, apparently they've been at it for quite a while, because this is not the first time I've encountered someone mentioning people at parties, obsessed with taking pictures for Facebook. I was at a get-together a while back, when I laughingly said we all hadn't yet taken a fb group picture. Big mistake! The cell phones appeared out of pockets and handbags almost magically, and everyone scrambled to group together as if drawn by a call for prayer.

I will never make such an asinine joke again.

Teenagers, I don't mind so much, and not even 20 somethings to be honest. Many of them are still living in denial of growing up. But 30 somethings? Really? You make plans to meet up with friends, get dressed to the nines, pour out the drinks, turn on the music, and spend the remainder of your time posing for pictures? For Facebook? I came across an album of 304 pictures taken by one person, at one party. And, said person was also tagged in several other albums, all containing not less than 200-300 pictures... At the same party.

If the Huz were around, I'd get him to do the math, because I suck at stuff like this.

OK, granted I come from a generation where cell phones were a luxury, and digital cameras probably didn't exist. Or if they did, we had no clue till our rich friends showed them off, while their parents weren't around. So, we made out OK with our stone age cameras, and waited patiently for our films to get developed at the Kodak shop, over a two or three day period. Later, we lucked out with "One Hour Only" developing, which really meant waiting two hours or more in the shop for it.

No, I'm not in my 50s.

Anyway, so with limited resources, we got around to taking maybe two or three pictures at parties. And, now should I come across any of those pictures (which my generation loves to scan and upload on Facebook, as if to say "Here you go you young constant picture taking suckers, we had fun too, so THERE!") I'm amazed to find that I can remember so many details of those events. Who hosted the party, who wore the most hideous outfit, who passed out from too much drinking (or other indulgences), the couple who never got off the dance floor, how the host's father got sloshed, and insisted on dancing with all the pretty, young girls, sometimes OK most times holding them in a death grip, while he attempted to jive on rap music.

My mind took snap shots.

And, now what have you but a generation who prefer to group together, all with extended right arms, the hands of which are firmly clutching the latest in Smart Phones, while they strike pose after pose after damn Facebook pose. Well, looky here folks, this is us entering the party, this is us saying hello to each other, this is us opening the beer bottles, this is us drinking the opened beer, see it's branded stuff, this is what we're wearing, this is the side view of our slutty outfits, now the back view, and these are our shoes. This is us in a 'couples only group,' and another group shot, and wait! Another group shot. Now this is us attempting to dance, and yes, the latest dance steps all require us to keep our right hands extended, while we move like robots so as not to blur the picture... And, here are another 50 group shots... Just the boys, just the girls, just the girls with one boy, just the boys showing off their middle fingers.

How do they not die from so much fun and happiness?

Why does Facebook not explode from the weight of all these albums?

*Sigh* I guess I sound all old and demented, but in my defense this is not what some of us consider fun. Good times don't revolve around how many pictures you get to take at your party or club night. I've been there, done it all (and probably much, much more because I didn't waste my time holding up a camera). I vividly remember laughing till my eyes smarted while I watched my friend S play out a charade, in a game which was not Charades, just a few months ago. He was hilarious! And, there were Smart Phones on the coffee table people! But, we were too busy having a good time to notice. I'm guessing a ton of us who are young enough to remember, yet old enough to know that this zillion picture taking nonsense is nothing but a waste of time, which would be better spent having a blast say WTF? to it all.

But, to each their own I guess.