Visiting Coupledumb!

My first guest post! Woo Hoo!

And, I am so very honored to have been asked by the most kick ass, and lovable couple in the blogsphere, Lee and Paul at coupledumb.com

It's all about Christmas folks, so head on over there, read my latest post Don't Need a Reason for the Season and leave me some love (or hate, if that's what you do), and be sure to also check out the other great posts by Lee & Paul.

Cheers!

And, then.. They Were Five!

Dear B&H,

I don't think there is a twin parent alive who could properly describe how they felt, when they heard the words "You're having twins" uttered by their doctor, at that first ultra-sound. Eyes, widen, pupils dilate, heart races, while your brain struggles to process the true meaning of those three little words.

It cannot.

And, it doesn't really "get it" till much later.

But, it's something which cannot be described. I could never tell you both what it truly means to have been pregnant with two at the same time, what it felt like when I first saw your scrunched up little red faces, which seemed to say "Hey, we're here, now what?" How awed I was by the tiny sizes of both of you, who each fit from fingertip to just short of an elbow. So small, but so powerful... And, cute.

That's it. You two were cute and powerful. It's like you had superpowers because you were so cute, or so cute because you had superpowers. I could never tell, because it's difficult to figure it out, when you have two babies just lying in their cribs looking all cute and powerful.

How you completely took over our lives, and brought about a world we never dreamed existed, proved you had power. You controlled us with all that cuteness! It was like you both arrived and said "Right then, let's get to it. We're here, we're cute, now we'll sleep, then we'll scream for sustenance, then we'll sleep again, then we'll poop, and then we'll sleep some more. And, you all just enjoy our cuteness while we're at it."

I honestly had always just imagined, changing a baby's diaper was no big deal, till I was swimming in boxes of new diapers, and pails of dirty ones. Thankfully you both always had your poop timings down pat... Always ten minutes from the other, which gave me plenty of time to change you both without too much fussing. Still, I never thought the endless diaper changing cycle would end.

Funny, how I sort of miss that now.

And, just so you know. Moms of twins never sleep during the first year, and you two never.let.me.sleep!

But, I love you!

Now suddenly, you're all grown up, and on days like today, all I seem to be doing is reminiscing. First smiles, first teeth, first steps, first words, first diaper explosion, first arguments, first pee in the potty, first tantrums. We had a lot of firsts with you two, and never much time between the two. And, no I shall never tell who did what first. Those facts will remain hidden from you both for a long, long time. It's in your best interests, and mine. Because, I LIKE having two children not trying to kill each other!

Anyway, we're headed into a new chapter with you, and I can't wait to see what more power you two can wield over us. I'm excited knowing how wonderful it will be for you to be "grown up" and hope you will always inform me of everything you do, like you do now. I know one day you'll have secrets from me, but remember... What mommy doesn't know, mommy always finds out."

For now, I promise to always cherish your beautiful smiles, your giggles, the breathtaking picture you make, when you hold hands and run towards me with huge cheesy grins when I come pick you both up from school. And, how you don't stop talking a mile a minute after you manage to hug whichever part of my body you can reach. I will always cherish the little scraps of paper with "I 'heart' u momy' one or both of you spend hours coloring in my favorite colors, right along with your twin hugs and kisses, our crazy lunch time tales, and requests to be read 'Gordon Takes a Tumble' every night of the week. Always twice.

I will always cherish you both for what you are individually, and together.

Happy 5th Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

Are You the Perfect Parent?

As we approach the fifth birthday of our twins, a big part of me feels the need to pause, and reflect. I know I've certainly come a long way from that person who gave birth to two babies together, and immediately entered a world of chaos, sleepless nights, insecurity, sleepless nights, second-guessing, more sleepless nights, criticism and fear. Did I mention sleepless nights? Parenthood is never fun at the outset, no matter how cute your babies are. It's no wonder the first year is usually referred to as 'The Blur.' It really and truly is, and OMGs I wanted it to end SO bad.

Then it did.

And, now I wish they would take three hour naps, several times a day, like they used to in infancy.

But, my friends with teenage kids say it won't happen for another decade or so.

Crap!

So, anyway... this whole parenting thing, has got me wondering about a current trend I've noticed almost everywhere. I don't know if it's some sort of superiority complex, but WTF is up with all this judgment and criticism we throw at other parents? For the most ridiculous things? Believe it or not, chicken nuggets is a hot topic. It's bad for your kids, so don't feed it to them. Try turnips instead! And, if they don't like turnips, mash them down and shape them like chicken nuggets!

Seriously! People say stuff like that.

And, drinking a glass of wine at playdates is also forbidden in their God given Holy Book of Parenting Skills & How to Perfect Them, so You May Achieve Godlike Status. I actually know someone who got slammed for having a drink at her teenage daughter's party, in her bedroom or something. She was called a bad mother and almost everything else by otherwise perfect parents, who own the book.

We've created so many issues, or rather the sanctimonious, holier than thou bullshit crowd has. Cloth diapers/disposable, IVF/Spontaneous, breast/bottle, working mothers/stay at home mothers, public school/homeschool, pacifiers/no pacifiers, hands on daddy/couldn't be bothered asshat... The list is endless. You so much as bring up a topic, and people instantly jump to their chosen sides, dressed in full body armour, ready to fight to the death. And, it's mostly mothers...

Women, seriously need to either get laid more often, or find a hobby besides motherhood.

I mean it. They can turn into a bunch of vicious vipers if someone innocently says My baby is 2 weeks old... Is Similac formula any good?

WTF?

Mind your own damn business people! It's hard enough being a parent as it is. And, I for one do not like snotty nosed idiots telling me how wrong I am, by talking incessantly about how right they are. I also don't like when they do it to new parents. Give those poor suckers a break ffs... They get NO sleep! And, the husbands have yet to learn, that sex will not be as frequent as it was pre-kids.

You heard me, new daddies!

So, santimonious gits! I don't care if your kids poop gold, because you feed them gold dust (which might be bad for them btw), I don't care if you're the perfect mother with an awesomely clean house, with handstitched curtains at every one of your twenty six windows, I don't care if there are delicious, healthful meals and snacks on your table 24/7, I don't care if you stay home so you can nurture your precious offspring, unlike those horrible working mothers trying to earn a living, and I don't care if your seven children all sucked the life out of your breasts till they were six years old. Just don't tell me how to raise my kids, and we'll be fine.

So much for parents joining together and giving each other support. No, we've decided to turn it into a competition.

Our kids must think we're marvelous examples of human beings.

1, 2, 3... Judge!

During the last month I've been thinking over a ton of topics to write about. Briefly considered the biggies like gay marriage (acceptance), abortion, religious tolerance, and the war in Pakistan. But, I'm prone to violence when talking about these issues, so I've put them on the back burner for now. Not saying this post won't be verbally violent.. Must not disappoint those who claim to love me for speaking my mind, and also those who hate me for it, yet keep coming back for more.

So anyway... Pakistan. Our sovereign state, a misunderstood country, a hated nation, or whatever you may want to call it is fine with me. But, this is for the people who once lived here, and no longer do. The ones who look back fondly at their time spent here, their carefree childhood days, their wonderful school years, their Desi weddings, and the birth of their firstborns. They're also the ones who look at us with some sadness, and pity. And, judgment!

But, when you abandoned the ship...

Can you really afford to judge us?

Or tell us what to do?

I'm not talking about the massive political situation, or the law and order situation we have here. It happens everywhere, and someone has to win at who is best at it. Right now, we win. Tomorrow? Who knows?

No, I'm talking about our day to day living, how we socialize, what we do, how we raise our kids, the kind of education we give them. I'm talking middle class and above, and I don't appreciate former Pakistanis sitting in their "free" countries as minorities, turning up their noses at how we conduct ourselves, or how they think we should be conducting ourselves. We do what we do, and we don't need your advice, or your criticism. We don't care how you "do it" in Australia or New York. We don't need to always adopt bits of the same culture you adopt everyday, just because you say so. We have McDonald's, and we have Facebook... And, our teens are just as out of control as yours are, our kids are just as addicted to junk food and video games as yours are (although maybe not as obese just yet), and our fundementalist religious right is more vocal and annoying than yours could ever be. So, we're just fine, thank you very much.

I'm so tired of constantly being told by former Pakistanis, of how they think people in Pakistan should live. Do this, do that, try this, try that. WTF? Most of them come across as sheltered children, who are seeing things for the first time. You've lived in the west for more than 15 years... And, the novelty still hasn't worn off? How limited an upbringing did you have? How badly did your parents screw you up? FFS... Stop! Live your life, and let us live ours. We're not backward asses who need to change our ways, or be introduced to brilliant concepts which existed decaded before your sorry asses went west.

I could list how full our lives are, and how we manage to rise above the crap which terrifies and disgusts us every.single.day. How we struggle to maintain a sense of normality in our day to day living. I could tell you all about the incredible strength, and courage of the people in this broken nation, or our children who face dangers most of you cannot even begin to imagine. But, my fingers would start to hurt, and I also don't want to sound too much like a Christian apologist.

I love that you love us, love the country of your birth, and wish that things were different. But, haggling people is not the way to go. So back off a little... No need to be pompous asses. It's not becoming.

Ben 10 Alien Swarm - Coming Soon

He didn't win a battle, when it came to getting my permission to watch Ben10 on Cartoon Network (aka Crap Network). He's lucky, because Mama must admit she quite likes little Ben10 herself, and teenage Ben10, and Ben10 Alien Force, just as much as he does. Yes, Mama is a fan of a kids' cartoon show, and may or may not watch it even if the kids aren't home. Admit it, you all watch the Backyardigans, or The Wiggles, and even Dora the Explorer... And, you all find yourself humming their songs while you shower.... Ha!! So, don't judge me!

So, you want to really bond with your almost five year old son? Ben10 will do it for you.

Ben is not as big an obsession as Lightning McQueen. Oh no, no NO... NEVER! Because, Lightning is the coolest, most bestest sports car in the whole universe, and when all little boys grow up, they want to be red racing cars with cocky grins, and '95' tattooed on their abs.

Ka-Chow!

But, back to Ben, the average kid with a powerful watch type device, which turns him into an alien fighting... alien. Ben, also has a cousin Gwen, who has "pink" super powers, so at our house the show is loved by both male and female child alike. And, of course Mommy. So, when that damn Cartoon Network begins advertising the November release of Ben10 Alien SWARM, it's almost as bad as all those suburban moms anxiously awaiting the release of New Moon.... At our house at least.

All, I've been hearing for the last few weeks out of B is "Is it November yet?"

At first I thought the kid was just excited because their birthday is in November, but later I realized Cartoon Network is advertising Ben10 Alien SWARM (not yelling, that's how it's titled on CN) like crazy. And today, they decided to take it one step further, by announcing a contest! How fun is that?

Not fun at ALL! (Now, I'm yelling).

The upcoming contest, requires kids to watch Cartoon Network, from Mon-Fri all through November. If they do, they get details of the contest, and a chance to win fabulous action figures and a Ben10 wrist device. All through November... Every single weekday evening. Schools are being left in the dust, let me tell you. Parents don't stand a chance either. We need to get off our collective "Here's your appreciation certificate" or "Here's a sticker for being good" asses, and stock up on action figures!

Or, we're going to lose.

But, right now, I really don't care. There's less than a week left for October to end, and those action figures look really cool.. So, off my high horse I get, because...

Well, I like action figures too.

***snerk***

Hostile to Halloween? Um.. What?

"Halloween has strong roots in paganism and is closely connected with worship of the Enemy of this world, Satan. It is a holiday that generally glorifies the dark things of this world, rather than the light of Jesus Christ, The Truth."

Well then, how can I read something like that and not respond to it, right?

So, this eeeeevil festival of... Candy? Costumes? Jack-o-Lanterns and fun? Satan worshiping? Really?

Shut up!

Seriously, you nutty, over the top, crazy, religious (Christian) people. Just.shut.up.

I'm not going to get into the history of this festival, and how it originated in pagan times blah blah blah. It's all commercial fun now (at least in America it is), and I don't see why it should be such a big deal to Christians. Oh wait, some of them don't approve of the "pagan traditions" and all that. But, they won't stop participating in all those traditions, and rituals the church adopted from the pagans themselves generations ago, then twisted around and merged into Christianity. Christmas and Easter anyone?

Why do some of these religious types insist on keeping worms up their butts? They really shouldn't. It makes them irritable and mean. And, when that happens, they start attacking all the fun stuff this world has to offer us. They want people to stop dressing their kids up in cute costumes, and going out to get free candy from neighbors, they want to burn Harry Potter books, and put condom manufacturers out of business. It's all very sad. And to think, all they would have to do to stop behaving like freakazoids, is take a dose or two of some deworming med. That's not asking too much of them right?

So, anyway... Halloween. We celebrate it every year! We also celebrate Eid and Diwali and Christmas with Santa Claus. You know that big old imaginary guy in a red suit? And, we all know how red is the devil's color, and that Satan really just stuffs himself with food for months before December, gets really fat, adds some white trim to his clothes, and gives kids tons of toys, which brainwash them and make them hate God.

That's what we do. So, when my son decided he wanted to dress up as Jesus this Halloween, I had to say no. "Can't combine religion with heathen practices", I told him. "What's religion?" he asked. "That's a question only grandma can answer" I replied. "Do you know anything?" he muttered. "Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog..." I chanted on my way out of them room, and followed that with an evil cackle, while he cowered in fear, of the whipping he knew was coming.

Later they both told me they wanted to dress up as Ben 10, and one of the Power Puff girls. B was Ben 10 last year, so when he saw his pictures from 08, he promptly decided he wanted to be Ben 10 Alien SWARM instead of regular old, boring Ben 10. Five minutes later, he wanted to be Lightning McQueen... Um That is SO not happening dude! Try again. H of course kept changing her mind too. But, that's only because they're designed to combine their indecision, and make life even more interesting for me than it usually is.

We have less than a week left... Their costumes, after many, MANY suggestions, arguments, tears, laughter and yelling, are nearly ready. There will be no more better ideas, no more planning. Just lots of scary cookie baking, and decorating.

And... All's quiet on the Christian front too.

They must be busy bottling the Holy Water, to douse us with on the 31st.

She's a Child, NOT a Maid!

Last Saturday, while out on our weekly "family evening" my husband and I took the kids first to the park, and then out to dinner. An hour at the park, and we were exhausted, which is not surprising if you have two four year olds, each insisting on a different activity "Ohhh I want to SWING" or "No, let's go down the giant slide." You're probably wondering how that could cause exhaustion in two adults with two kids? We could easily split up with one kid each and let them do their thing right? Wrong! Our twins may always want to do different stuff, but they also simultaneously want to do what the other is doing. If you split them up, you're going to spend a LOT of time scuttling back and forth, while they yell out to each other in glee. After years of trying to achieve some sort of balance in these situations, we have no choice but to suck it up, and tolerate the arguments of which area of the playground is more fun. It's easier, because your feet get a bit of a rest, and ear plugs are cheap.

So, anyway... At the playground watching my daughter tackling the rope climbing thing, I noticed this cute baby who couldn't have been more than a couple of years old. Clad in a frilly pink dress, socks and shoes, she toddled towards the slide while her mother stood by and watched proudly. Then, she fell... The baby, not the mother. What issued after that sent my blood pressure sky rocketing, and my temper if released would have reached epic proportions.

The "mother" began yelling at a little waif of a girl, no more than seven or eight years old who was about three feet behind the baby. "Pick her up!! Why did you let her fall?" WHACK!! She hit the little girl... Her baby's nanny! Yes, I said nanny... And, I said hit. Welcome to Karachi, where some of the upper class consider it charity, to employ poor little girls (and boys) as full time (see: live in) nannies and maids, for their infants and children. Minimum age requirement for this position? Six, maybe seven.

Now, before you get all upset, and start throwing around words like "child labor" or ***gasp*** "abuse," there's a perfectly good explanation for why some rich people employ these starveling little creatures as "help." They're doing them a favor! Or so they believe. According to them, if they don't employ them, they're practically damning them to a life of severe poverty, and a gloomy future. This way, these poor kids get a roof over their heads, have food and clothing. What more do kids need right?

So what if they have to change a baby's diaper a few years after they've been out of diapers themselves? So, what if they have to feed, bathe, dress kids a year or so younger than they are, every single day? So what if they have to wake up at 5am daily, and get breakfast ready for the family? So what if they have to carry heavy diaper bags, and shopping bags through malls and bazaars while their "Madams" shop till they drop? So what if they get one nugget from the leftover McDonald's Happy Meal, the Madam's kid did not want to finish? So what? At least they're getting something right? They're lucky! Other poor kids don't even know what McDonald's is, leave alone getting the chance to eat one whole (well, partially gnawed at) delicious chicken nugget and a few sips of Coke every week. These poor kids should be grateful!! They're getting to earn their keep in the lap of luxury, and a few slaps across their faces a day for failing to care for an infant properly, is not a big price to pay. When someone gives your family charity, you belong to them, you owe them. With the blood and sweat of your six year old malnourished body... You owe them!

Pathetic? Sad? Twisted?

How about wrong? Can we say how wrong this is? Do we dare?

Well, I dare. It's wrong, it's sick and it's a disgusting display of child abuse, right out in the open, happening right under our noses, while we turn a blind eye to it. Why? Because these women are our friends? Because they belong to an elite, untouchable social circle? So, we pretend we don't see the exploitation of children? Surely, we as a society do not condone this? Shame on us if we do. How many times have we walked by one or more of these "maids" and not really seen them?

Charity, my dear designer bag carrying fellow females, has no strings attached to it. It's something we're supposed to do, out of the goodness of our hearts. Asking for nothing in return. It does not need to be twisted into a convenience because we're too lazy to parent.

I suggest you women keep these little children in your care, educate them, encourage them to lead productive lives, and make sure they do. You can certainly afford it. And, you can certainly afford to hire professional help for your children. And, an adult to do your dishes. You do not need to exploit poor, weak and innocent children. It does not make you a better person, it does not give you a higher standing in society. What it does do, is make you a child abuser.

You're a parent. Go ahead and imagine your child doing what your six year old "maid" does. How does it make you feel? How would you like it if someone exploited your child that way?

How pretty is that picture?

Facebook Friday!

So, what did you all do while Facebook was down most of this week? And, why do I almost always begin my blog posts with "So...?" Have you noticed? It's really annoying isn't it? I have no idea why I do it.. But, I speak like that a lot of the time, and I guess it's a habit now.

So... How annoying is this, now that I pointed it out to those of you who never noticed?

Back to Facebook, and how it remained inaccessible most of the week. For Facebook fanatics who couldn't log in, the world literally stopped! It was like the End of Days had finally arrived, and many were spotted looking up to the heavens, arms open wide, shouting "We are worthy!." For those who managed to log in, but were unable to access any applications, or update their statuses, it was pure hell on earth. In all seriousness, if the gods had decided to rain tongues of fire down on us, these people would barely have noticed. So deep was their anguish over not being able to play Mafia Wars, or whatever it is they like to do on Facebook.

I had some problems logging in two days ago, and went over to Facebook's main page to see what was up. They had a nice little message posted there which said We are experiencing a technical issue with one of our databases that is resulting in an extended period of maintenance for some of you. We are working on a fix and hope to have this resolved in the next 24 hours. Below that were a number of comments, some of which were hilarious. So, I did a bad thing and copied a few to post here. Also, couldn't resist adding my own little comebacks to them, because I'm mean and like to poke fun at people.

Ready?

wich is why i CARNT AXCESS PROFILES!!!!!!!!!
So typing in CAPS will make them work faster to solve your problem? And, dude! You need to re-learn grammar and spelling.

I keep getting this message askin for my email addy before i can have any gifts i sent it the first time but im gettin a headache seein it again an again when all i want is another pair of jelly shoes
Um.. What?

all americans are dicks
Because your Facebook is not working? How much do you pay your therapist?

wanna knw who view my profile more!
They can't get the site working, dumb ass! I'm guessing your stupid request was ignored.

I hate fucking facebook
Try a human being!

My farmville won't work!! Help me please
Oh no! Did all your crops die? Did they? How badly has this dented your coin bank? Are your cows OK?

it's okay guys
every site had problems
and facebook team are humans
and not gods to not make mistakes
facebook team : i respect you guys and i respect everything you did and you are doing to keep us connected ... Take your time fixing this and don't give a shit about the that impolite comments
Thanks again
When I rule the world, you shall be my Ass Kisser in Chief!

Check out my website while facebook is down http://www.moo-farm.co.uk for fantastic bath products at low prices! Bath bombs, shower gels and much much more! Buy today delivered tomorrow!
OK, I can't say anything bad about a shameless plugger!

I can't go to chat and my cousin just married. FUCK
Were you planning on typing him/her through the ceremony?

Hey my fb's finee. Never broke and im on everyday. Suppose im just lucky ;) ?
People loathe people like you. Always have, always will.

fix it as soon as possible im struggling now
It usually takes about three days to detox, YOU CAN DO THIS!

I didn't miss Facebook much... I've barely been reading status updates lately, or even looking at the zillion and one photographs my friends keep uploading. But, I'm insanely addicted to Bejeweled Blitz and when I couldn't log into the application............. I was fine. No really, it wasn't like I broke out into a cold sweat or anything. My hands didn't tremble, I didn't feel lightheaded and irritable... Nothing like that....

Don't Eff With Me!

So, I was standing out in my balcony this morning, enjoying the first crisp air this city is experiencing after a crap ass summer, and I noticed this guy staring at me. No big deal, guys stare at me a lot, and I'm not saying that because I'm vain or anything. Men look at women! They have to, can't be helped. They can be walking down the street, minding their own business, and suddenly they get a twitch in their pants, and their eyes automatically zero in on the nearest female. The bigger her breasts, the bigger the itch. It's their own personal, built in radar, and we should be accepting of it. And, not jealous, because we have our own radars. But, I won't get into that right now, because writing about female radars could fill several books.

Anyway, so I tried to ignore the idiot, but, I really, really hate it when people stare at me.. It's just annoying. Like dude, look at the beautiful blue sky, appreciate the lovely weather, examine your testicles, maybe your itch is really a rash... Anything! Just don't keep gazing at my breasts ffs!

Finally, I decided to give him my "Don't eff with me look" which is pretty scary if I do say so myself. I've had it for ages, and it just gets scarier with time. It'll probably be horrific when the wrinkles come around, but I don't want to think about that just yet. In the last five years though, I've managed to perfect my "Don't eff with me" look, thanks to the OMG I think I would DIE if I had twins comments hurled at me by numerous asshats. So, unless I birth triplets next time around, which I'm pretty sure is not going to happen, I don't see my 'Don't eff with me' look improving.

But, I'm happy with it.

Not that it holds a candle to the God of "Don't eff with me" looks.


I wish he were my (sugar) daddy! Even now, that he's old and whatever.

Seriously, I have never seen a better "Don't eff with me" look than that. How Ashton ever managed to not crap his pants in the presence of this guy is mind boggling. Ashton must be blind! Because, if I were a 20 something guy, who had the hots for Bruce Willis' ex-wife, and I was not BLIND!! I would never go within fifty feet of her. Never! I mean, has Ashton even watched Die Hard 1?

I think I'll go blow up this picture now, print it out and hang it in the balcony. Not saying the huz doesn't have a great "Don't eff with me" look. He does! And, and even better "Don't effin eff with my effin wife, you mother effin eff" look, but he's not around right now.

So, Bruce it is!

New Moon - Wolf vs Vampire

Right, so, here I am, coffee cup steaming, laptop switched on (It's almost never switched off, but who cares?) and fingers-a-tingling as I get ready to piss off part of the female population around the world. Because.... I'm going to talk about New Moon - The Twilight Saga. I ranted about the books once, and forgot to put a disclaimer at the top of my post, which pissed someone off a little. But, that's all water under the bridge now, and I have to rant a little about the whole OMG-New Moon-the-movie-is-almost-out gagfest taking the world by storm.

I will be killed. There is no doubt in my mind, that a bunch of women will descend on me and rip the limbs off my body, and then use them as burnt offerings for the god of all gods... EdwardfrickinCullen! And, I doubt Cullen would call down from the heavens and ask them to sacrifice a lamb instead. The darling boy would probably yell "Don't BURN her you idiots! Bring me her blood!! Edward would want my blood, trust me. It's good blood.

Anyway, so New Moon, where Edward is not around and attempts suicide in Italy by public sparking, before Bella saves his ass. Of course, before all that, Bella attempts suicide herself, clearly because what'shiswolf is not a good enough kisser. I mean a wolf's breath cannot compare to the breath of a vampire people! If you had a choice, would you kiss an animal who ate meat, or a corpse who drank blood?

No contest!

Do I come across as a mocking bitch? (Isn't that some kind of bird?). Well, I'm not. If you read between the lines, you'll see (look really hard... it's there I promise) just how this is all my jealousy talking. I'm envious of Bella Swan. First of all, her name is so pretty... Isabella Swan. Anyone with a one syllable name would envy that. Secondly, she has the most fascinating love life (lives?). A vampire and a werewolf are both in love with her. What are the chances of that ever happening to me? I've never had such exotic type men love me in my whole life. Plenty of dogs yes, but dogs are not wolves... not since they evolved and shit.

So, I'm jealous of Bella Swan and I want to be mean about it. I want to say it's a crappy, god awfully long story which nearly cured my insomnia, and the first movie was blah. It makes me feel less jealous. Venting is so therapeutic don't you think?

Oh and, I'll watch New Moon, please don't doubt that. I'll do it in much the same way I stop to stare at bad road accidents.

Throw your tomatoes if you must... and bring your hatchets... My limbs await you.

My Tree Hugging, Dirt Worshippers!

So, hello again and please don't ask where I've been, or why I haven't been feeling creative enough to blog the last few (really? few?) weeks. Let's talk about this week instead, and how my kids spent the better part of it chanting out their "lines" in preparation for Environment Month at school.

Kindergartners obsessed with the environment! What the hell is this world coming to? Honestly, I'm very annoyed at how seriously they seem to be taking this whole "Save the Earth" stuff. You're probably thinking "Oh they're four. How concerned can they be?" Well, when H goes around the house, switching off lights, regardless of whether there are people in the room or not, and announces "We should not use so much electric city" and when B randomly asks "WHY do people kill the Blind Dolphin? How can they EAT DOLPHINS?" you know they're headed towards obsession, and possibly going to become tree hugging environmentalists, who will insist we live in thatched roof huts, and eat organic vegetables forever.

Apparently, I never told them beef comes from cows. Well, I told them it comes from cows, I just didn't say how, and being three at the time, they were too naive to ask those deep and meaningful questions like "Do cows have to die so we can eat their meat?" But now with all this "Save the Earth" stuff, they're asking the questions people! So, in the usual direct way I respond to my kids, I told them yes, cows have to die so we can eat their meat. "Ohhhhh people are HORRIBLE" announced H. "Oh that's just GUSTING" announced B. "I'm never eating meat AGAIN" declared H. "Me either" said her adoring twin.

I guess we're not having steaks for dinner tonight.

They've also decided to recycle everything. And, I mean everything! I found them shoving empty biscuit packets into the family room couch, and I was like what in the world are you guys doing that for? And they were like "We're saving the packets for our next biscuits." "Those biscuits will already have their own packets" I told them. "But that's not RE-CYCLING Mama" So I was all like "Yeah, but neither is shoving it into the couch, it's better to find a way to RE-USE it for something else don't you think?" And they looked at me like Dude, we already have a plan. Go away!"

Do boarding schools still just concentrate on lessons and discipline?

Still, I happily dismissed their psycho babble about old newspapers, and that God awful song they kept singing all week Save the Eaarrrrrrthhh, Save the Eaarrrrrttthhhhh, and attended their class presentation this morning. Watched their class jump on stage and do their thing. It was pretty cool to be honest. All of them dressed in green, with different 'Green' messages pasted on their shirts, yelling out the lyrics of Save the Eaaarrrrrttthhhh completely off key, and grinning ear to ear. B&H both delivered their lines on recycling and saving the dolphins pretty well, and well dammit, they make their Mama proud.

I suppose old biscuit packets can be used as couch stuffing at some point.

Save the Earrrrrrtthhh!!!

Obama's Speech to Students, and God's Talk with Me

So, I cannot get over all the crap going on in the United States, about President Obama wanting to address students regarding education. Seriously, have people gone insane?

Dumb question, let's try again.

Do people realize how insane they are?

The President of a country, wants to make a speech telling kids to stay in school, take responsibility for their education, work hard... and people are angry about this? You have got to be at least... really, at least a hundred different kinds of idiot to be upset that your kids might..

1) Hear him
2) Listen to what he says
3) Get influenced by it and do well in school

A hundred different kinds of idiot.

I couldn't figure out why they were going SO crazy, about such a small thing. So, I decided to talk to God about it. And, we both chatted about this on YIM today. No, not using voice, just regular stone age internet text chat. And, I saved the conversation for you all... Just in case you don't believe He really does have a Yahoo account.

OneTruGod: Hey Smart ass

BitchBliss: (Yes, that's my YIM username) Hey Big G!

OneTruGod: So what's up with all these humans going nuts over Obama speaking to kids in school?

BitchBliss: Don't ask me, I thought they were your fans, you should know... Shouldn't you have already known? I was going to ask you ffs!

OneTruGod: Don't start your crap with me Missy

BitchBliss: WTF? I ask you one simple question and you get all pissy.. I'm logging off

OneTruGod: No, no wait... Sorry, it's been a rough day

BitchBliss: You have days like regular people?

OneTruGod: Will you just shut it?

BitchBliss: OK, sorry, what happened?

OneTruGod: Too many crazies accepting my boy JZ, some were screaming his name so loud I thought I was going to go deaf

BitchBliss: Are you sure they were accepting him and not um, you know... just having great sex?

OneTruGod: I know the difference smart ass

BitchBliss: OK.. OK just trying to be helpful

OneTruGod: So, about Obama and the students, what's the latest?

BitchBliss: What? Am I your news service now? Why don't you just sign up for a Twitter account like I told you to? Stay in touch with current events and all that?

OneTruGod: No time

BitchBliss: Excuses, excuses, just do it already! Then you would know how your fans in America are going bat shit crazy because their President wants to give their kids a speech.

OneTruGod: I have no idea what's wrong with them, I like Obama... And, he speaks so beautifully, even the angels stop playing their harps to listen.

BitchBliss: Your angels still play harps? What is this? 1702?

OneTruGod: It's not like he's going to brainwash them... He just wants to talk. I can see inside his heart, his intentions are good.

BitchBliss: Do you look inside their hearts? Your fans I mean.

OneTruGod: Um, no.. I rarely bother

BitchBliss: WHAT? But they're your fans! That's unfair to them. Go look RIGHT now and tell me what you see.

OneTruGod: OK, OK... brb

OneTruGod: Back

BitchBliss: You can seriously do shit like that in one second?

OneTruGod: Yeah so?

BitchBliss: Coolness! So whatdidyousee?

OneTruGod: Crap!

BitchBliss: You saw crap?

OneTruGod: That's right, They're full of crap!

BitchBliss: Well, I could have told you that, and I can't see inside their hearts.

OneTruGod: Show off!

BitchBliss: So, are they going to lighten up a bit?

OneTruGod: **Sigh*** No... they'll keep at it. And since they have free will and all that....

BitchBliss: Free will? Really?

OneTruGod: Well, yeah, that part's true

BitchBliss: And the rest is all false?

OneTruGod: Well.... Umm anyway I gtg shower

BitchBliss: You shower? I thought you were spotlessly clean always and shiny like a bright light.

OneTruGod: Smart ass! ttyl

BitchBliss: K... later... Maybe then we can chat about your fans in Pakiland who want to eliminate music from schools?

OneTruGod: ***sigh*** Do we have to?

BitchBliss: Not really...

OneTruGod: Thank Self!

BitchB$liss: LOL You're weird...

OneTruGod: Back at ya babe! Peace out!

So there we have it. God thinks they're all full of crap! Nothing we can do about it.

Thanks for stopping by people! And, don't forget to teach your kids the difference between right, and the religious right!

Have a great weekend!

My Favorite People in the World

Now, if only I could say that to some people. But, for reasons best known to the gods of the underworld, it is almost impossible for me to let idiots alone. They fascinate me.

Unlike other (normal) people I cannot pretend they're not around, pretend they're not making any sense, pretend they weren't really born. They're my entertainment and I love them... I really and truly love idiots. I'll take them over television any day of the week.

There I said it.

It's amazing what can come out of the mouth of person who has an empty head. I know my fair share of idiots (I'm really the freak and they are the flypaper), and there's one thing I can always depend on them for, and that is they never disappoint me. No, I mean seriously think about it, of all the people in the world who let you down, an idiot never will. They will always be idiotic, say something idiotic, and they're so consistent. So very, very consistent. Even the people we love, and who love us, fall short from time to time. Husbands, children, parents, pets. Almost everyone.

But, not idiots.

They say such wonderfully, stupid and ridiculous things, it's a wonder people get annoyed with them. If you stop and just listen, you are (and I can guarantee this) in for the best laughter you will ever experience.

Like, when an idiot I knew when I was pregnant, said to me, Are you scared you'll die during your delivery?

Or the other idiot I worked with who every single time the phone on my desk rang would say, Your phone is ringing.

Do you read books? (When you're reading a book) I usually slowly put down the book, and calmly ask them why they're asking. The response almost always is, Well, you're reading a book. I try not to stare at them in wonder and adoration... It never works.

The secret to loving idiots is to NOT immediately react. Pause for a moment (no matter how much you want to hit them over the head with your shoe, yell at them, invent new cuss words just for them), and then imagine telling your friends about what the idiot said, while you sip a refreshing margarita. And you will laugh... I promise, but you have to really let it sink in. Try it.

A lot of my friends don't get my fascination with idiots. They also think it's mean of me to engage the idiots in conversation just so I can laugh about it later (and maybe blog about it sometime). But, never mind that. Laughter is good. I've tried to explain how interesting I think it is that super duper thoughts just appear from nothing in an idiot's head. How does it happen? Surely it can't be credited to God? How can God in all his infinite wisdom place such absurdity into a person's empty skull? There has to be another explanation... There's another co-creator out there, I just know it.

Fascinating people, a rare species of humankind, and truly gifts to be treasured.

Moral of the story? Laugh at idiots!

How I Fell in Love With My Husband

An interesting post on a message board caught my eye today. It was a question about when everyone knew they were in love, and when they told their significant other that they loved them.

I don't remember the first time I told my husband I loved him. ***Ignores the gasps of shock and snorts of disgust***

I don't remember the moment, how I felt, whether he said it to me first, what he wore, how surprised I was or was not, if it was raining outside, nothing. He probably remembers it all, the ass. And, he'll lord it over me someday when I'm lording something over him. Again, ass!

I do however, remember all the times I fell in love with him. How many times can you fall in love with the same person? Apparently, many in my case. But, that's probably because I kept falling, and kept ignoring how much I was falling. It was not supposed to end in LOVE for heaven's sake! No, no, couldn't have any of that stuff ruining a fabulous friendship. So, I busied myself ignoring the numerous times I fell for him. Did I have issues or what?

Like the time he outrageously flirted with me at a party, and my then boyfriend was in the next room, strutting around in tailored pants he was afraid would wrinkle if he sat down. Or the time he convinced his girlfriend to chop off her locks, because I didn't like her hairstyle and mentioned it to him. Also, the time my friends asked me to cook for them, and then wouldn't eat because the food was way too spicy. Wusses! But HE ate it... And, asked for seconds. I was so happy, I pretended I couldn't hear his stomach cursing me to oblivion.

Over endless cups of coffee, in cozy cafes, late night chats on the internet, immediately after we had spent several hours together. Ridiculous email exchanges, unexpected roses for no reason at all, friendship cards, Oreo cookies, the ever available shoulder to cry on, massive arguments, our preference to talk to each other instead of the whole group which surrounded us a lot. We were falling alright, and hard. No way was I going to acknowledge it.

So, that first kiss threw me. And I panicked, for the first time in my life. Then, something, something and something more... Before I knew it, LOVE! It bitch slapped me in the face so hard, I couldn't get over it. I suppose it had, had enough of lurking in the far recesses of my mind. I'm not going to say 'heart' because that's just stupid talk... Don't you just hate it when someone says they know something in their heart? Just say 'brain', or 'mind' ffs. I suppose it sounds all mushy and sweet. I'd rather have an Oreo instead.

From there it was smooth sailing. Fast courtship (do people still say courtship?), surprise engagement (MIL, the old bag, is still reeling with the rest of her clan), small wedding (I wanted a big wedding, because I was greedy and wasteful then), twins ten months later and ,no sleep ever since. Fun!

And that's the story of how I fell in love with my husband. And, that lurrrve has kept us married for five years. Well, that and, the ability to tune out on occasion... OK, OK, more than the odd occasion. But, he tunes out more than I do... Not that I blame him, I'm a huge, incessant nag.

We didn't have the whole two strangers eyes meet across a crowded room and they know it in their hearts, that it is love stuff. Although, for those who it has happened to, great! Send me your story, I'll publish it here on my blog.

Kids and Their Caregivers... In Karachi

Putting aside my regular rants, raves and, generally bitchy stuff about this, that or the other. I'm blogging today with chills still running down my spine regarding something I witnessed this afternoon, but was unable to do anything about.

While waiting for the kidlets to get off from school, I entertained myself watching the pre-nursery kids making their way out the gate. A few with their mothers, a couple of fathers, a grandparent or two, but mostly "nannies", and... Drivers. As my eyes moved past a tantrum from a three year old, to a grandfather bending down to retrieve a fallen backpack, I noticed a little girl waiting near a car. She couldn't have been more than three or four years old. And, she was gorgeous.. All big eyes and sweet, tired smile. Her driver who was opening the car's back door, probably to set down her backpack and water bottle in the back seat, was also staring at a woman approaching the school, from across the street. Eyes fixated on her breasts, he threw the bag and bottle into the car and shut the door.

I rolled my eyes, and was just looking away, when I saw him bend down and scoop the little girl up into his arms, while his left palm slipped under her school uniform dress and, came to rest directly under her bottom, cradling it.

And, then he began to massage her bottom.

I felt my blood run cold, and instinctively started toward them. However, I didn't make it to the car in time, and he deposited her in the front passenger seat, got into the car and started to drive away. Where are her parents? screamed a voice in my head. Why do they leave their child in the hands of someone like that?

Important questions, no one answer.

It terrifies me to see such things, and makes me so mad, I could happily commit a violent act. Sadly, in Karachi I see way too much of it. From the uneducated, unqualified "nannies" slapping the hell out of toddlers, to lecherous drivers shuffling children of all ages from home to school, to tuition centers and back home. Rarely do I see parents in sight, and while I can appreciate that there are a number of mothers out working, or in some cases, busy at the hair salons they frequent, and even busier working fathers all over this city. I can't help but ask.. At what cost? Your child's innocence and well being?

Are you aware of what goes on with your child and his/her caregiver?

Is this what it means to be all about getting out there and showing just how damn westernized we are? How wonderfully liberated? Without a thought for our own children? I can rarely shake the feeling that many here do all this, not for themselves, but to prove something. And, it sickens me, because most of them have a narrow view of how things (in the west) are, and how they think they're doing a remarkable job adopting those habits.

I sit right back down in my seat and not send out that job application, not till I'm sure my kids have the safety they need in my absence, and the best care. I don't have all he answers, but neither will I ignore the questions for my own convenience. It's not easy in this city, what with little to no resources for daycare, except of course the available options of "Play Schools" which cater to the bigger wallets, (If you're middle class, forget it. You'll be paying out more than your income), or the little old lady offering inexpensive care for your child. Where the floors are dirty, and one tiny room is crammed to the max with kids ranging from four months to six years.

Of course, I'm not some comfortable, upper class suburban mom, who can afford to kick up her heels and refuse to work. Living in this city with one earning member to support a family of four is tough... doable, but tough. And, if you can't do it, or won't do it, then for goodness sakes give more than a passing thought to your child's welfare. Would random checks hurt? Do offices not allow some time off maybe once or twice a month? Can you not meet for lunch fifteen minutes later? No aunt with spare time on her hands? Can families not come together for the welfare of the kids?

I often wonder what goes through the minds of these parents, these mothers. Do they not think it's possible their child could be molested? Are they living in some kind of dream world, where they're sure their kid will inform them of any strange advances made by their driver/nanny? Do they even think their female "nanny" is a safer bet? Is the gutka chewing, filthy, man leering at women on the streets while driving their child to and from school really a saint? Does he bow his head and kiss her big begum butt so convincingly that she trusts him? What the hell is going on here?

Where are the parents? And why are so many of the more "educated" class in this city allowing this menace to exist in their own homes?

Caffeinated Confessions

Getting right to it.

1. The kids went back to school this week and, I don't know who was happier, them or me.

2. The weather has been great, all cloudy and pleasant. Yet, I want to scream when I hear
people wishing for rain.

3. I've decided to throw out most of the stuff from my closet.

4. And, buy myself a new designer wardrobe.

5. But, I'll settle for off-the-rack stuff.

6. I think Kirk Cameron is still mentally in middle school, with the whole I want to tell the
world, I won't kiss anyone but my wife thing.

7. Some people don't get why I roll my eyes at crap like this.

8. I roll my eyes at them and then laugh.

9. My kids have decided to help me plan their birthday party in November.

10. I don't appreciate them barging into my territory, and told them so.

11. My daughter refused to give in and let me plan it by myself.

12. I threatened to sell her to a sweat shop.

13. It didn't work.

14. So, I told her there would be no party.

15. She laughed.

16. I went out to a girls night thing last Saturday, then told everyone who would listen about
it.

17. Apparently, it's not a big deal, because "Women do these types of things" and I don't do it
enough.

18. I really should.

19. I have nothing else to confess.

20. I'm pathetic, I know.

Got Nationality?

I've spent the last two days mulling around a few topics in my head, for a possible blog post. One subject has been on the forefront of my mind though and it relates to race. Oh yes, I said RACE people. That little four letter word which incites fierce debate, and feelings of righteousness. No newbie blogger would touch that subject with a ten foot pole, and I'm not going to either. But, I do have a story about how stupid some people here (in my country) can be when it comes to people of other nationalities and race. It's just a little glimpse, and an extreme one, but funny as hell... Or painful, depending on which way you look at it.

A couple of years back, or less (I can't be certain), I was out shopping with my sister who was visiting from overseas, and another good friend. So there we are, at the mall, snacking instead of shopping, when we see this girl we knew from years ago. She was a few tables down, with her kid and a large man... who was white. Not uncommon here, because plenty of our locals marry "foreigners" or Goras (white people) as we like to call them. My sister being one of them. Anyway, try as I did to avoid us running into her, it of course had to go and happen. Damn my sister and her niceness! And all in a rush of hellos, and how are yous (from my sister), this one does not bother responding, but then suddenly bursts out with This is my husband, he's a German. It took exactly five seconds for her to finish saying "German."

I watched my sister freeze, and could almost hear her willing herself to maintain her polite smile, while my friend rolled her eyes and then tried desperately to make eye contact with me. I did not give in, because I was too busy scanning the stores to see if they had trophies or medals on sale, so I could buy one for the idiot married to a German and congratulate her on her husband's nationality. And, if that wasn't enough bullshit which spewed from her mouth, she follows up with He's from Germany Wow, no shit Eisenstein! I swear to God I thought Germans were from Antigua. It was at the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed it and pretended I couldn't see my friend who was rolling her eyes even more, and making soft gagging noises, while my sister looked desperately at me for help. She wasn't getting any.

I sometimes do not jump into these situations with my smart ass mouth, not because they could lead to bloody lips, but because I have this sick and twisted need to watch asshats turn themselves into giant sized asshats. And, I'm glad I did, because years later, it's given me good material for a post on an otherwise non-creative day.And no, that wasn't the end of it. There was no stopping the idiot "who is a rush of breath went on He's here from Germany, and we'll be going to Germany soon, because he works in Germany and so I'll be joining him with my daughter in Germany. Never in my life have I heard the name of that country mentioned as much as I heard it in those three minutes.

Really, you can't make this shit up. This is the ultimate goal of a certain segment of Pakistani society... Marry the Gora and show it off. Oh, and get the passport! "This is my husband, he's a German" Who says stuff like that? I mean really, who? She never told us his name, and he just stood there like an ass, blushing, while she grinned like the cat who got the German canary.

I wonder how she would introduce him to her German friends if she should aquire any? What would she say? Probably This is my husband, he's German like you are. I on the other hand am a Pakistani, from Pakistan, but once I get my passport, I'll be a German, from Germany, because this is my husband, and he's a German.

It really was a buy gun, shoot self encounter.

Have a great weekend everyone, and by the way... This is my husband, he's... my husband.

Ex Boyfriends - The Post

Oh my goodness! What a terrific week this has been. NOT!

It all began one scorching hot and humid day in the city of Karachi, when it's residents decided they needed to pray for rain. And pray they did, for months and months, till finally the blessed rains fell from the heavens on Saturday, July 18, 2009. And then the power went out. The end.

So, now we're back to the real world three days later, very disgruntled, exhausted and sick to death of the words "no electricity" "no water" "wasted frozen meat, chicken, fish and everything else in the damn refrigerator" Torturous three days and I don't want to talk about it right now, because if I do, some idiot will probably tell me to thank the gods I'm better off than the people who didn't have power for four or five days. I'm not interested. My problems are my own, which make them bigger and worse than everyone else's thank you very much, and go screw yourself.

Thankfully, I have other things to talk about. It seems my blog is finally kicking off (oh the wonders of social networking sites) mainly because I decided to not be so chicken shit anymore, and actually believe people like my husband and BFF who tell me that I can write, and need not hide my "stuff" in padlocked boxes, password protected word documents and online blogs. Seriously... four year old blog and I only just have the guts to go completely public. For all my bad assness, that's quite sad.

So anyway, back to my blog's baby steps towards (dare I say?) popularity. I received an email requesting a post! How wonderful is that? For a moment I could almost feel how J.K. Rowling must have when all her fans told her to not kill Harry off in the end. It's an honor to have someone ask you to write about something. Never mind if they ask you to write something (anything) relating to ex boyfriends in general, never mind if the topic is not right up there in the same league as say big issues like abortion, or religion, or Sarah Palin's secret plans to take over the world through faith and faith alone gosh darn it! I was asked to write about ex boyfriends, which is a great topic for some good laughs, so write I will. Because I have a few ex-boyfriends. Now, if I were male I would be able to say I was quite the ladies man, but because I'm female I'll just have to go with ummmm slut? Seriously! What's our term? Male magnets? Men's lady? Still sounds slutty to me. This is ridiculous, I feel like burning my bra in protest!

OK so, ex-boyfriends. Sadly, not many left a lasting impression on me, and I swear to all things unholy, I don't even remember what a couple of them looked like. In fact I ran into one a while back and I couldn't for the life of me remember his name. And if that wasn't bad enough, I didn't even remember going out with him, and... AND, I for some reason thought he went out with my best friend many years ago. I mean who in their right mind does not remember an ex? And more importantly, how mediocre a kisser was this guy that I have no memory of it? Seriously.. How many more have I forgotten? What the hell does this Mommy Brain do to us goddammit?

Anyway, I tend to remember my ex's by their nick names. I gave them all nick names after the break ups, which was part of my healing process. Not for me the late night ice-cream binges, or crying myself to sleep. I gave them nick names and imagined them several years down the line, married to horrible, nagging women with recurring acne problems. I can't remember all of the names but Jerkoff, Jerk of the Century, Asshole, and Dickless were definitely on the list. Wonderful therapy... So much better than songs about lost love. All you can do is cry over those when you have a broken heart right? What a waste of good Air Supply music. Singing "All Out of Love" when you're happy is so much better than sobbing the words into your pillow.

Some of the ex brigade were great guys. OK I'm exagerating, maybe one or two of them were great guys, and I remember them fondly from time to time. But the rest... Ickcity pigs! Specially one or two who I fell really hard for... hard, as in flat on my face with the word 'Doormat' stamped on my ass. What can I say? I had my very, very stupid days. Some of my friends while reminiscing with me still ask What the hell were you thinking? I always reply, I wasn't. Who thinks at times like that? Come on! Teenagers don't think.. Their raging hormones just latch on to the nearest target and they're set. At least I didn't marry anyone from my hormone filled, non-thinking days right? Some girls did! And while most of them are very happy I'm sure (if they're not divorced or doing the postman), some of them have to wake up every morning and ask themselves What the hell was I thinking? While a voice inside their head screams You weren't! You're weren't! But hurry! Get off your ass, and stage perfect in-love-with-my-husband picture for your Facebook profile soonest! Never mind if he looks like shit run over, backed up and run over again.

OK that was mean, I'm guessing not all my exes look like crap now, some were so fricking good looking, they could only have aged well. Not that I'm going to ever bother finding out, because I wasn't the Let's be bestest friends forever and ever after our breakup, and you can be Godfather to my first born child kind of gal. I only made the exception with my husband who in case you didn't know went from best friend, to boyfriend, then ex-boyfriend, then boyfriend again, fiance and finally husband, while managing to remain my best friend through it all, and almost definitely ignoring that voice in his head which yelled What the hell are you thinking?

Twitter, Tweet, Tweeters

I have nothing else to do right now, and am suffering from a severe block when wanting to write about normal, everyday stuff. So what’s the best thing to fall back on io write about in the online world if not social networking sites, and the people who favor them?

I like Twitter, I really do… And, I try to keep my statuses updated as much as possible. But, I know I’m nowhere in the category of the hard core, 100% Twitter addicts. I suppose, some of the more addicted never-want-to-even-consider-another-online-application-EVER people must have updates like the ones below. Even if they don’t, it won’t stop me from imagining it, because really… Some come very close to what you’re going to read.

CaringMom The kids are hungry and I really need to get breakfast done.
10 minutes ago from web

CaringMom Have no idea what I should prepare for breakfast
9 minutes ago from web

CaringMom @daisy Didn’t have time for grocery shopping this week, so no fruit in the house
7 minutes ago from web

LovingWife Good morning world! It’s a lovely day today!
6 minutes ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom They’re screaming for food now, what is UP with these kids?
5 minutes ago from web

LovingWife Breakfast is ready for my dear husband!!
4 minutes ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom @daisy @naturemother Yes, I try to only buy organic, I want the best for my kids.
2 minutes ago from web

LovingWife The love of my life is enjoying his toast and eggs :)
1 minute ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom **sigh** I guess I better pour them a bowl of cereal or something
56 seconds ago from web

CaringMom Dammit!! We’re out of milk, heading over the store now.
10 seconds ago from web

LovingWife OMG!! I think my husband is having a heart attack… Should I call 911?????
3 seconds ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom Car won’t start… this day is so full of crap!
2 seconds ago from TwitterFon

RetroChick RT @Bunny @SuperMom @TwitterFreak @SadMan @Jesus_loves_ ME @Loser RT this and get a chance to win one 2oz jar of acne cream FREE!!!
2 seconds ago from web

Disclaimer

This blog post is intended for the un-named reader, and may contain information that is true, false, imagined, private, privileged, or unsuitable for an exceptionally sensitive person or persons with little or no sense of humor and/or low self-esteem. This post may also not be suitable for persons of irrational and/or extreme religious beliefs. If you are or are not any of these readers, then any distribution of this post other than the acceptable "Share" option on social networking sites (listed below) and/or link backs is strictly prohibited. Forget about me wanting copyrights, I will hunt you down and make you eat rotten eggs.

No animals were harmed in the creation of this blog post, although we plan to get a pet whose fate we cannot foresee at the hands of two four year olds, so let's be clear on that. Those of you who indulge in love affairs with conspiracy theories and hold within yourselves irrational fears, will be pleased to know that there are no hidden messages in this post... even if you read it backwards or upside down. However, sitting in a circle of cinnamon and garlic cloves on a red carpet may ensure physical safety for you and your offspring. If you have stumbled across this blog post in error, please add 2 cups of sugar, 1 egg white, 3 shots of tequila and whisk on high for 15 minutes. Serve chilled after sex in a hot tub.

Dear Super Duper Twin Mothers,

I've been going back and forth on Twitter with my friend Poppins (this is what I refer to her as and I like it, even if she may not) about kids and noise. Poppins happens to be in the midst of finding her calling by writing 'how to' articles on a variety of subjects, and her first and most recent one targets mothers everywhere. She's clear, concise and she knows what we all want, damn her.

So, yesterday I asked Poppins to write a 'how to' article on controlling noise with two 4yr olds. She of course responded saying she has one four year old, and wouldn't know about two together. Then she laughingly said how sorry she felt for me at that time, which made me laugh. Yes, I laughed oh all ye fellow twin mothers who must be ready to rake her over the coals... Because it was funny. I laugh at all sorts of things, and very specially with my friends about parenting. I've had more than my share of better you than me or My GOD, you really have your hands full or I feel so bad for you right now comments. If it's said with enough humor, I laugh. Not saying I don't snap right back with bitchiness and snark if I think they're being rude or just irritating. Most of us (mothers) at one point or the other encounter an idiot or three, who makes it their personal business to piss us off about our parenting skills, our kids speech, diet, clothing, looks, shoe size and goodness knows what else. They deserve the tongue lashings they receive, specially if they shoot their mouths off on a bad hair day.

But, when it comes to mothers of multiples getting all pissy and annyoed at mothers of singletons because they-just-don't-get-how-much-more-difficult-it-is-for-us-with-two then I have to say, enough is enough. Of course it's difficult, and hell yeah it's more difficult than having one baby and then another one after a couple of years. The first year is terrible, any mom of twins worth her salt will tell you that. But don't take it out on your singleton mom friend who calls you to complain about what a horrible day she's having with her only child. Would it kill you to offer some support while you laugh like a lunatic inside your head? (I swear I don't do that... well, maybe sometimes).

And if you're complaining about your two, would it hurt to laugh should she say "I feel so sorry for you right now." Of course she feels sorry for you, she doesn't have a frickin clue people, and the thought of all that you're going through with your two probably freaks her the hell out. I see the way people look at my kids sometimes, and the pity looks they throw at me. When they were infants and I would be lugging the two of them out of the car, I could swear some people cried. But it's funny! Because for one, they really look flabbergasted trying to imagine what it must be like, and two they will never know what it is like.

Which brings me to the superiority issue I see a LOT in many moms of twins these days. So you littered like a cat, yay for you and move the hell on. I'm serious now, and seriously in danger of pissing off a large population of twin mothers everywhere. "Two in one uterus" syndrome is fabulous, fantastic, amazing and leaves you with a better badge than just stretch marks, it stamps you with the almighty and almost impossible to lose twin skin, and let's just see who could ever compete with that right? Right? Fine then, move along, and what else do you have to be proud of? It didn't make you a better mother dearies, or a more "blessed" one (did I just say dearies?). You were not "chosen by God" to birth twins because you're so awesome and He wanted the perfect mother for your husband's forthcoming strong swimmers. Neither is there a reason you had multiples, while Mrs. Singleton down the street leads a meaningless life with her only child. No offense people, but you're not more special than the mother who birthed twins and then lost one. Grow the hell up and stop making youself out to be more superior to the rest.

And on a softer note...

It's a tough job, embrace it.
It will drive you nuts, fight it.
It will make you feel isolated sometimes... you're not alone, you're a mother.

Teeny Bopper Hell

From the time I was very young, I've been a people watcher. No, not one of those wall flower types who gape at everyone, or even a voyeur, nothing like that... just honest to goodness people watching. It's also not something I consciously do when out and about, because normally when I'm out and about, I can almost certainly be found chatting up a storm with one or more people.

But, for some reason I can still tune in to what the people around me are doing, saying etc. It's just weird, but I notice the most ridiculous things going on around me, no matter how engrossed I may be in a conversation or whatever else I'm doing at the time. For example, I would notice random guy in the far corner, hiding behind a menu, picking his nose and then wiping the booger off under his chair, or big lady with the sparkly white sandals, three rows down, pinching her husband's thigh and raising her eyebrows. Then I look around at the people with me and say "Did you SEE that?" and they look at me like I just landed in from another galaxy.

And, if that's not enough, then being able to tune into other conversations is another curse on my otherwise clean and spotless soul. I swear to you right here and now, I do not eavesdrop. I really don't have the time, and I also think what goes on in my head is more interesting than what a lot of people around me have to say. There I go, pissing people off again... one of these days, I'll get the nastygram and probably deserve it.

So, sitting in one of my favorite coffee houses today, with my husband as we waited for the kids to get off dance class, and who should come and sit down right next to us, but those wonderful, misunderstood and very frickin excited.... Teenagers!! Now, don't get me wrong, I love teenagers, and am a great defender of all things youthful, well maybe not the way some of them dress these days, but otherwise yes, I love teenagers, having being one myself many moons ago. But, when I'm enjoying a nice quiet cup of coffee with my husband and chatting about how I want to remodel the kids room, I do not want my curses to rise to the surface and start observing teenagers. ***Sigh*** But, they did, and I did, so here's what my curse brought to my attention.

Girl 1: I'm like so happy you guys could make it
Girl 2: So, so, so, like did he call?
Girl 1: Yeah he did, and Omigod, I was like SO excited!
Girl 3: Sooooo, like what did he... like SAY???
Girl 1: You will like not believe this, but he was like So I just called to wish you a happy birthday, and I was like Omigod, I can't believe you remembered and he was like Yeah, so what are you doing today? and I was like Oh nothing much, just like dinner with the fam and he was like OK then have a great birthday! Omigod! Omigod! Can you like belieeeeeeeeve it?
Girl 2: Omigod!!! Whaaat? He rememmmmmbered? Omigod!!
Girl 3: He's like SOOOO hot!
Girl 1 & 2: I KNOW!!!

No, they couldn't get us another table, no I couldn't tune out, no, I won't be going back there next year on July 8th, and no I did not appreciate my husband laughing at my rant later, because HE teaches this age group in school and is like used to like how they like speak like every like single like day!!