Are You the Perfect Parent?

As we approach the fifth birthday of our twins, a big part of me feels the need to pause, and reflect. I know I've certainly come a long way from that person who gave birth to two babies together, and immediately entered a world of chaos, sleepless nights, insecurity, sleepless nights, second-guessing, more sleepless nights, criticism and fear. Did I mention sleepless nights? Parenthood is never fun at the outset, no matter how cute your babies are. It's no wonder the first year is usually referred to as 'The Blur.' It really and truly is, and OMGs I wanted it to end SO bad.

Then it did.

And, now I wish they would take three hour naps, several times a day, like they used to in infancy.

But, my friends with teenage kids say it won't happen for another decade or so.


So, anyway... this whole parenting thing, has got me wondering about a current trend I've noticed almost everywhere. I don't know if it's some sort of superiority complex, but WTF is up with all this judgment and criticism we throw at other parents? For the most ridiculous things? Believe it or not, chicken nuggets is a hot topic. It's bad for your kids, so don't feed it to them. Try turnips instead! And, if they don't like turnips, mash them down and shape them like chicken nuggets!

Seriously! People say stuff like that.

And, drinking a glass of wine at playdates is also forbidden in their God given Holy Book of Parenting Skills & How to Perfect Them, so You May Achieve Godlike Status. I actually know someone who got slammed for having a drink at her teenage daughter's party, in her bedroom or something. She was called a bad mother and almost everything else by otherwise perfect parents, who own the book.

We've created so many issues, or rather the sanctimonious, holier than thou bullshit crowd has. Cloth diapers/disposable, IVF/Spontaneous, breast/bottle, working mothers/stay at home mothers, public school/homeschool, pacifiers/no pacifiers, hands on daddy/couldn't be bothered asshat... The list is endless. You so much as bring up a topic, and people instantly jump to their chosen sides, dressed in full body armour, ready to fight to the death. And, it's mostly mothers...

Women, seriously need to either get laid more often, or find a hobby besides motherhood.

I mean it. They can turn into a bunch of vicious vipers if someone innocently says My baby is 2 weeks old... Is Similac formula any good?


Mind your own damn business people! It's hard enough being a parent as it is. And, I for one do not like snotty nosed idiots telling me how wrong I am, by talking incessantly about how right they are. I also don't like when they do it to new parents. Give those poor suckers a break ffs... They get NO sleep! And, the husbands have yet to learn, that sex will not be as frequent as it was pre-kids.

You heard me, new daddies!

So, santimonious gits! I don't care if your kids poop gold, because you feed them gold dust (which might be bad for them btw), I don't care if you're the perfect mother with an awesomely clean house, with handstitched curtains at every one of your twenty six windows, I don't care if there are delicious, healthful meals and snacks on your table 24/7, I don't care if you stay home so you can nurture your precious offspring, unlike those horrible working mothers trying to earn a living, and I don't care if your seven children all sucked the life out of your breasts till they were six years old. Just don't tell me how to raise my kids, and we'll be fine.

So much for parents joining together and giving each other support. No, we've decided to turn it into a competition.

Our kids must think we're marvelous examples of human beings.



Millions Of Atoms Man said...

I think all of this judgement existed before, there was just no place to instantly express it to millions of people. I blame the internet. I also blame the makers of "Gold Dust! Start your day the shiny way with Gold Dust! (the makers of Gold Dust are not responsible for any excessive shininess that may appear in your children's stool)."

CB said...

LOL Thanks... I needed the laugh!

Millions Of Atoms Man said...

Welcome. Oh, and the short answer to your question is Yes. Yes I am the perfect parent.

Caba said...

I'm the perfect parent. Millions of Atoms Man is an idiot.

Caffeinated Bliss said...

You both are insane. But, in a totally lovable way.