New Moon - Wolf vs Vampire

Right, so, here I am, coffee cup steaming, laptop switched on (It's almost never switched off, but who cares?) and fingers-a-tingling as I get ready to piss off part of the female population around the world. Because.... I'm going to talk about New Moon - The Twilight Saga. I ranted about the books once, and forgot to put a disclaimer at the top of my post, which pissed someone off a little. But, that's all water under the bridge now, and I have to rant a little about the whole OMG-New Moon-the-movie-is-almost-out gagfest taking the world by storm.

I will be killed. There is no doubt in my mind, that a bunch of women will descend on me and rip the limbs off my body, and then use them as burnt offerings for the god of all gods... EdwardfrickinCullen! And, I doubt Cullen would call down from the heavens and ask them to sacrifice a lamb instead. The darling boy would probably yell "Don't BURN her you idiots! Bring me her blood!! Edward would want my blood, trust me. It's good blood.

Anyway, so New Moon, where Edward is not around and attempts suicide in Italy by public sparking, before Bella saves his ass. Of course, before all that, Bella attempts suicide herself, clearly because what'shiswolf is not a good enough kisser. I mean a wolf's breath cannot compare to the breath of a vampire people! If you had a choice, would you kiss an animal who ate meat, or a corpse who drank blood?

No contest!

Do I come across as a mocking bitch? (Isn't that some kind of bird?). Well, I'm not. If you read between the lines, you'll see (look really hard... it's there I promise) just how this is all my jealousy talking. I'm envious of Bella Swan. First of all, her name is so pretty... Isabella Swan. Anyone with a one syllable name would envy that. Secondly, she has the most fascinating love life (lives?). A vampire and a werewolf are both in love with her. What are the chances of that ever happening to me? I've never had such exotic type men love me in my whole life. Plenty of dogs yes, but dogs are not wolves... not since they evolved and shit.

So, I'm jealous of Bella Swan and I want to be mean about it. I want to say it's a crappy, god awfully long story which nearly cured my insomnia, and the first movie was blah. It makes me feel less jealous. Venting is so therapeutic don't you think?

Oh and, I'll watch New Moon, please don't doubt that. I'll do it in much the same way I stop to stare at bad road accidents.

Throw your tomatoes if you must... and bring your hatchets... My limbs await you.



@marymac said...

Ok, I will admit that I attended the midnight premiere of the Twilight movie and that I think I was shrieking louder than the teenage girls. The vampire is smokin hot, no doubt about it!
(swoon!) Bite me, baby!

Lee said...

I'm with Mary. I think Edward is HOT! Like I said, what girl wants puppies? Sure I'm jealous. I adore my husband but the thought of being with a guy who can break my bed during the act... Sorry, I digress into the land of oh so not Mormon filth. Yeah the first movie was weak but I think this one will be better because they're going to make it exciting and are actually spending more than $5.23 on CGI stuff. One question, Mary has a teenage girl, so do I. Why the hell did you read it? ;>)

Sianna said...

While I love to hate Miss Meyers and her faithful minions, I refuse to actually read that pop-culture trash on principle. So, while I can't condone your knowledge of the plot line, I do fully support your criticism of it. :D

CB said...

Lee.. I read it because I have a thing of forming an opinion based off what I KNOW.. not what I hear. And, I'm a die hard reader, so anything and everything is fine with me.

I think six hundred people recommended I read the series, so I started with the first one, and then felt I really should finish them all (because I'm curious like that).

But, the end was way too blah for my liking... I mean, a whole friggin gang of the super duperest vamps preparing for a mob style war.... And they do NOTHING. I like action.. Spells colliding, while the sun bursts over the horizon and voldy hits the floor dead, because he is NOT the Master of Death... Oh wait, wrong book. :D

Manic Motherhood said...

OMG! I read this too and I freaking HATED IT WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. Then, of course, I was completely depressed because, honestly? That woman can't write. And yet she's a multi-published author with minions and stuff while I am a mere under-paid newspaper columnist/mom/chief toilet scrubber at Casa Manic. Although I must say the sight of Robert whatshisname makes me almost...ALMOST...want to see the movie.