Ex Boyfriends - The Post

Oh my goodness! What a terrific week this has been. NOT!

It all began one scorching hot and humid day in the city of Karachi, when it's residents decided they needed to pray for rain. And pray they did, for months and months, till finally the blessed rains fell from the heavens on Saturday, July 18, 2009. And then the power went out. The end.

So, now we're back to the real world three days later, very disgruntled, exhausted and sick to death of the words "no electricity" "no water" "wasted frozen meat, chicken, fish and everything else in the damn refrigerator" Torturous three days and I don't want to talk about it right now, because if I do, some idiot will probably tell me to thank the gods I'm better off than the people who didn't have power for four or five days. I'm not interested. My problems are my own, which make them bigger and worse than everyone else's thank you very much, and go screw yourself.

Thankfully, I have other things to talk about. It seems my blog is finally kicking off (oh the wonders of social networking sites) mainly because I decided to not be so chicken shit anymore, and actually believe people like my husband and BFF who tell me that I can write, and need not hide my "stuff" in padlocked boxes, password protected word documents and online blogs. Seriously... four year old blog and I only just have the guts to go completely public. For all my bad assness, that's quite sad.

So anyway, back to my blog's baby steps towards (dare I say?) popularity. I received an email requesting a post! How wonderful is that? For a moment I could almost feel how J.K. Rowling must have when all her fans told her to not kill Harry off in the end. It's an honor to have someone ask you to write about something. Never mind if they ask you to write something (anything) relating to ex boyfriends in general, never mind if the topic is not right up there in the same league as say big issues like abortion, or religion, or Sarah Palin's secret plans to take over the world through faith and faith alone gosh darn it! I was asked to write about ex boyfriends, which is a great topic for some good laughs, so write I will. Because I have a few ex-boyfriends. Now, if I were male I would be able to say I was quite the ladies man, but because I'm female I'll just have to go with ummmm slut? Seriously! What's our term? Male magnets? Men's lady? Still sounds slutty to me. This is ridiculous, I feel like burning my bra in protest!

OK so, ex-boyfriends. Sadly, not many left a lasting impression on me, and I swear to all things unholy, I don't even remember what a couple of them looked like. In fact I ran into one a while back and I couldn't for the life of me remember his name. And if that wasn't bad enough, I didn't even remember going out with him, and... AND, I for some reason thought he went out with my best friend many years ago. I mean who in their right mind does not remember an ex? And more importantly, how mediocre a kisser was this guy that I have no memory of it? Seriously.. How many more have I forgotten? What the hell does this Mommy Brain do to us goddammit?

Anyway, I tend to remember my ex's by their nick names. I gave them all nick names after the break ups, which was part of my healing process. Not for me the late night ice-cream binges, or crying myself to sleep. I gave them nick names and imagined them several years down the line, married to horrible, nagging women with recurring acne problems. I can't remember all of the names but Jerkoff, Jerk of the Century, Asshole, and Dickless were definitely on the list. Wonderful therapy... So much better than songs about lost love. All you can do is cry over those when you have a broken heart right? What a waste of good Air Supply music. Singing "All Out of Love" when you're happy is so much better than sobbing the words into your pillow.

Some of the ex brigade were great guys. OK I'm exagerating, maybe one or two of them were great guys, and I remember them fondly from time to time. But the rest... Ickcity pigs! Specially one or two who I fell really hard for... hard, as in flat on my face with the word 'Doormat' stamped on my ass. What can I say? I had my very, very stupid days. Some of my friends while reminiscing with me still ask What the hell were you thinking? I always reply, I wasn't. Who thinks at times like that? Come on! Teenagers don't think.. Their raging hormones just latch on to the nearest target and they're set. At least I didn't marry anyone from my hormone filled, non-thinking days right? Some girls did! And while most of them are very happy I'm sure (if they're not divorced or doing the postman), some of them have to wake up every morning and ask themselves What the hell was I thinking? While a voice inside their head screams You weren't! You're weren't! But hurry! Get off your ass, and stage perfect in-love-with-my-husband picture for your Facebook profile soonest! Never mind if he looks like shit run over, backed up and run over again.

OK that was mean, I'm guessing not all my exes look like crap now, some were so fricking good looking, they could only have aged well. Not that I'm going to ever bother finding out, because I wasn't the Let's be bestest friends forever and ever after our breakup, and you can be Godfather to my first born child kind of gal. I only made the exception with my husband who in case you didn't know went from best friend, to boyfriend, then ex-boyfriend, then boyfriend again, fiance and finally husband, while managing to remain my best friend through it all, and almost definitely ignoring that voice in his head which yelled What the hell are you thinking?



Anonymous said...

wow thank you for taking my suggestion. I expected something a little funny, but this really cracked me up. you are hilarious. i love the down to earth, honest feel of your blog. It's not hard to imagine how forthright and fun you must be offline too. Keep up the great posts, you're truly a gifted writer.


Farwah Baig said...

I agree...

Speedbox said...

I can see you and I getting on well :-)

Love your humour, will be back for a peek often.

CB said...

Now I'm blushing ;) Thanks for the comments.

Speedbox... a look see into your blog would be appreciated. :D

pat said...

Best blog I've stumbled across in weeks. You da bomb woman! I'm guessing your hubby is one hell of a guy to have won a woman like you.

Rock on... you got yourself a new fan.

annieisnice said...

This was a great read. It's amazing....we could be twins!

Jenny Georgio-who said...

Great blog! I love the part where you mentioned burning your bra in protest! I love the double edged sword we have there. It's disgusting. Guys are studs and we are sluts.

I never moped around too much after a break up but I find that as time goes on I remember the exes a lot more fondly, with the exception of one fucking loser....

Like, years later, I can actually be friendly, not friends, with an ex and have a casual conversation.

Time heals everything apparently!

Michelle said...

Awesome work, as always !

Marybeth Poppins said...

I love ex boyfriend nick names!!!
I couldn't think of any random boys that stuck out for me too. That's why I haven't blogged about it yet.

Lynette said...

Anne.. I absolutely love it!!
love it.. love it!!

Genevieve said...

Anne.. absolutely phenomenon... My best part was when you told those to go fuck themselves (well not exactly in those words but) if they thought you could not write.. Girlfriend.. you just worked it worked it worked it.. Cannot wait to read more..

Shelly said...

As always Anne..LOVE it! you're always honest, but can make us laugh at the same time! great job :)

Niftywriter said...

I am loving your blog! How did I not know you had one! I'll be back...especially because I have...apparently...months to catch up on! Ah plenty to read and savor!

M. M. L. said...

Brilliant. Going through a break-up sucks ass, but then reading positive stuff like this makes you realize the break-up was worth the pain. After all, it's better to nip it in the bud, than to wake up every morning next to your Big Mistake.