My Favorite People in the World

Now, if only I could say that to some people. But, for reasons best known to the gods of the underworld, it is almost impossible for me to let idiots alone. They fascinate me.

Unlike other (normal) people I cannot pretend they're not around, pretend they're not making any sense, pretend they weren't really born. They're my entertainment and I love them... I really and truly love idiots. I'll take them over television any day of the week.

There I said it.

It's amazing what can come out of the mouth of person who has an empty head. I know my fair share of idiots (I'm really the freak and they are the flypaper), and there's one thing I can always depend on them for, and that is they never disappoint me. No, I mean seriously think about it, of all the people in the world who let you down, an idiot never will. They will always be idiotic, say something idiotic, and they're so consistent. So very, very consistent. Even the people we love, and who love us, fall short from time to time. Husbands, children, parents, pets. Almost everyone.

But, not idiots.

They say such wonderfully, stupid and ridiculous things, it's a wonder people get annoyed with them. If you stop and just listen, you are (and I can guarantee this) in for the best laughter you will ever experience.

Like, when an idiot I knew when I was pregnant, said to me, Are you scared you'll die during your delivery?

Or the other idiot I worked with who every single time the phone on my desk rang would say, Your phone is ringing.

Do you read books? (When you're reading a book) I usually slowly put down the book, and calmly ask them why they're asking. The response almost always is, Well, you're reading a book. I try not to stare at them in wonder and adoration... It never works.

The secret to loving idiots is to NOT immediately react. Pause for a moment (no matter how much you want to hit them over the head with your shoe, yell at them, invent new cuss words just for them), and then imagine telling your friends about what the idiot said, while you sip a refreshing margarita. And you will laugh... I promise, but you have to really let it sink in. Try it.

A lot of my friends don't get my fascination with idiots. They also think it's mean of me to engage the idiots in conversation just so I can laugh about it later (and maybe blog about it sometime). But, never mind that. Laughter is good. I've tried to explain how interesting I think it is that super duper thoughts just appear from nothing in an idiot's head. How does it happen? Surely it can't be credited to God? How can God in all his infinite wisdom place such absurdity into a person's empty skull? There has to be another explanation... There's another co-creator out there, I just know it.

Fascinating people, a rare species of humankind, and truly gifts to be treasured.

Moral of the story? Laugh at idiots!

How I Fell in Love With My Husband

An interesting post on a message board caught my eye today. It was a question about when everyone knew they were in love, and when they told their significant other that they loved them.

I don't remember the first time I told my husband I loved him. ***Ignores the gasps of shock and snorts of disgust***

I don't remember the moment, how I felt, whether he said it to me first, what he wore, how surprised I was or was not, if it was raining outside, nothing. He probably remembers it all, the ass. And, he'll lord it over me someday when I'm lording something over him. Again, ass!

I do however, remember all the times I fell in love with him. How many times can you fall in love with the same person? Apparently, many in my case. But, that's probably because I kept falling, and kept ignoring how much I was falling. It was not supposed to end in LOVE for heaven's sake! No, no, couldn't have any of that stuff ruining a fabulous friendship. So, I busied myself ignoring the numerous times I fell for him. Did I have issues or what?

Like the time he outrageously flirted with me at a party, and my then boyfriend was in the next room, strutting around in tailored pants he was afraid would wrinkle if he sat down. Or the time he convinced his girlfriend to chop off her locks, because I didn't like her hairstyle and mentioned it to him. Also, the time my friends asked me to cook for them, and then wouldn't eat because the food was way too spicy. Wusses! But HE ate it... And, asked for seconds. I was so happy, I pretended I couldn't hear his stomach cursing me to oblivion.

Over endless cups of coffee, in cozy cafes, late night chats on the internet, immediately after we had spent several hours together. Ridiculous email exchanges, unexpected roses for no reason at all, friendship cards, Oreo cookies, the ever available shoulder to cry on, massive arguments, our preference to talk to each other instead of the whole group which surrounded us a lot. We were falling alright, and hard. No way was I going to acknowledge it.

So, that first kiss threw me. And I panicked, for the first time in my life. Then, something, something and something more... Before I knew it, LOVE! It bitch slapped me in the face so hard, I couldn't get over it. I suppose it had, had enough of lurking in the far recesses of my mind. I'm not going to say 'heart' because that's just stupid talk... Don't you just hate it when someone says they know something in their heart? Just say 'brain', or 'mind' ffs. I suppose it sounds all mushy and sweet. I'd rather have an Oreo instead.

From there it was smooth sailing. Fast courtship (do people still say courtship?), surprise engagement (MIL, the old bag, is still reeling with the rest of her clan), small wedding (I wanted a big wedding, because I was greedy and wasteful then), twins ten months later and ,no sleep ever since. Fun!

And that's the story of how I fell in love with my husband. And, that lurrrve has kept us married for five years. Well, that and, the ability to tune out on occasion... OK, OK, more than the odd occasion. But, he tunes out more than I do... Not that I blame him, I'm a huge, incessant nag.

We didn't have the whole two strangers eyes meet across a crowded room and they know it in their hearts, that it is love stuff. Although, for those who it has happened to, great! Send me your story, I'll publish it here on my blog.

Kids and Their Caregivers... In Karachi

Putting aside my regular rants, raves and, generally bitchy stuff about this, that or the other. I'm blogging today with chills still running down my spine regarding something I witnessed this afternoon, but was unable to do anything about.

While waiting for the kidlets to get off from school, I entertained myself watching the pre-nursery kids making their way out the gate. A few with their mothers, a couple of fathers, a grandparent or two, but mostly "nannies", and... Drivers. As my eyes moved past a tantrum from a three year old, to a grandfather bending down to retrieve a fallen backpack, I noticed a little girl waiting near a car. She couldn't have been more than three or four years old. And, she was gorgeous.. All big eyes and sweet, tired smile. Her driver who was opening the car's back door, probably to set down her backpack and water bottle in the back seat, was also staring at a woman approaching the school, from across the street. Eyes fixated on her breasts, he threw the bag and bottle into the car and shut the door.

I rolled my eyes, and was just looking away, when I saw him bend down and scoop the little girl up into his arms, while his left palm slipped under her school uniform dress and, came to rest directly under her bottom, cradling it.

And, then he began to massage her bottom.

I felt my blood run cold, and instinctively started toward them. However, I didn't make it to the car in time, and he deposited her in the front passenger seat, got into the car and started to drive away. Where are her parents? screamed a voice in my head. Why do they leave their child in the hands of someone like that?

Important questions, no one answer.

It terrifies me to see such things, and makes me so mad, I could happily commit a violent act. Sadly, in Karachi I see way too much of it. From the uneducated, unqualified "nannies" slapping the hell out of toddlers, to lecherous drivers shuffling children of all ages from home to school, to tuition centers and back home. Rarely do I see parents in sight, and while I can appreciate that there are a number of mothers out working, or in some cases, busy at the hair salons they frequent, and even busier working fathers all over this city. I can't help but ask.. At what cost? Your child's innocence and well being?

Are you aware of what goes on with your child and his/her caregiver?

Is this what it means to be all about getting out there and showing just how damn westernized we are? How wonderfully liberated? Without a thought for our own children? I can rarely shake the feeling that many here do all this, not for themselves, but to prove something. And, it sickens me, because most of them have a narrow view of how things (in the west) are, and how they think they're doing a remarkable job adopting those habits.

I sit right back down in my seat and not send out that job application, not till I'm sure my kids have the safety they need in my absence, and the best care. I don't have all he answers, but neither will I ignore the questions for my own convenience. It's not easy in this city, what with little to no resources for daycare, except of course the available options of "Play Schools" which cater to the bigger wallets, (If you're middle class, forget it. You'll be paying out more than your income), or the little old lady offering inexpensive care for your child. Where the floors are dirty, and one tiny room is crammed to the max with kids ranging from four months to six years.

Of course, I'm not some comfortable, upper class suburban mom, who can afford to kick up her heels and refuse to work. Living in this city with one earning member to support a family of four is tough... doable, but tough. And, if you can't do it, or won't do it, then for goodness sakes give more than a passing thought to your child's welfare. Would random checks hurt? Do offices not allow some time off maybe once or twice a month? Can you not meet for lunch fifteen minutes later? No aunt with spare time on her hands? Can families not come together for the welfare of the kids?

I often wonder what goes through the minds of these parents, these mothers. Do they not think it's possible their child could be molested? Are they living in some kind of dream world, where they're sure their kid will inform them of any strange advances made by their driver/nanny? Do they even think their female "nanny" is a safer bet? Is the gutka chewing, filthy, man leering at women on the streets while driving their child to and from school really a saint? Does he bow his head and kiss her big begum butt so convincingly that she trusts him? What the hell is going on here?

Where are the parents? And why are so many of the more "educated" class in this city allowing this menace to exist in their own homes?

Caffeinated Confessions

Getting right to it.

1. The kids went back to school this week and, I don't know who was happier, them or me.

2. The weather has been great, all cloudy and pleasant. Yet, I want to scream when I hear
people wishing for rain.

3. I've decided to throw out most of the stuff from my closet.

4. And, buy myself a new designer wardrobe.

5. But, I'll settle for off-the-rack stuff.

6. I think Kirk Cameron is still mentally in middle school, with the whole I want to tell the
world, I won't kiss anyone but my wife thing.

7. Some people don't get why I roll my eyes at crap like this.

8. I roll my eyes at them and then laugh.

9. My kids have decided to help me plan their birthday party in November.

10. I don't appreciate them barging into my territory, and told them so.

11. My daughter refused to give in and let me plan it by myself.

12. I threatened to sell her to a sweat shop.

13. It didn't work.

14. So, I told her there would be no party.

15. She laughed.

16. I went out to a girls night thing last Saturday, then told everyone who would listen about
it.

17. Apparently, it's not a big deal, because "Women do these types of things" and I don't do it
enough.

18. I really should.

19. I have nothing else to confess.

20. I'm pathetic, I know.

Got Nationality?

I've spent the last two days mulling around a few topics in my head, for a possible blog post. One subject has been on the forefront of my mind though and it relates to race. Oh yes, I said RACE people. That little four letter word which incites fierce debate, and feelings of righteousness. No newbie blogger would touch that subject with a ten foot pole, and I'm not going to either. But, I do have a story about how stupid some people here (in my country) can be when it comes to people of other nationalities and race. It's just a little glimpse, and an extreme one, but funny as hell... Or painful, depending on which way you look at it.

A couple of years back, or less (I can't be certain), I was out shopping with my sister who was visiting from overseas, and another good friend. So there we are, at the mall, snacking instead of shopping, when we see this girl we knew from years ago. She was a few tables down, with her kid and a large man... who was white. Not uncommon here, because plenty of our locals marry "foreigners" or Goras (white people) as we like to call them. My sister being one of them. Anyway, try as I did to avoid us running into her, it of course had to go and happen. Damn my sister and her niceness! And all in a rush of hellos, and how are yous (from my sister), this one does not bother responding, but then suddenly bursts out with This is my husband, he's a German. It took exactly five seconds for her to finish saying "German."

I watched my sister freeze, and could almost hear her willing herself to maintain her polite smile, while my friend rolled her eyes and then tried desperately to make eye contact with me. I did not give in, because I was too busy scanning the stores to see if they had trophies or medals on sale, so I could buy one for the idiot married to a German and congratulate her on her husband's nationality. And, if that wasn't enough bullshit which spewed from her mouth, she follows up with He's from Germany Wow, no shit Eisenstein! I swear to God I thought Germans were from Antigua. It was at the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed it and pretended I couldn't see my friend who was rolling her eyes even more, and making soft gagging noises, while my sister looked desperately at me for help. She wasn't getting any.

I sometimes do not jump into these situations with my smart ass mouth, not because they could lead to bloody lips, but because I have this sick and twisted need to watch asshats turn themselves into giant sized asshats. And, I'm glad I did, because years later, it's given me good material for a post on an otherwise non-creative day.And no, that wasn't the end of it. There was no stopping the idiot "who is a rush of breath went on He's here from Germany, and we'll be going to Germany soon, because he works in Germany and so I'll be joining him with my daughter in Germany. Never in my life have I heard the name of that country mentioned as much as I heard it in those three minutes.

Really, you can't make this shit up. This is the ultimate goal of a certain segment of Pakistani society... Marry the Gora and show it off. Oh, and get the passport! "This is my husband, he's a German" Who says stuff like that? I mean really, who? She never told us his name, and he just stood there like an ass, blushing, while she grinned like the cat who got the German canary.

I wonder how she would introduce him to her German friends if she should aquire any? What would she say? Probably This is my husband, he's German like you are. I on the other hand am a Pakistani, from Pakistan, but once I get my passport, I'll be a German, from Germany, because this is my husband, and he's a German.

It really was a buy gun, shoot self encounter.

Have a great weekend everyone, and by the way... This is my husband, he's... my husband.

Ex Boyfriends - The Post

Oh my goodness! What a terrific week this has been. NOT!

It all began one scorching hot and humid day in the city of Karachi, when it's residents decided they needed to pray for rain. And pray they did, for months and months, till finally the blessed rains fell from the heavens on Saturday, July 18, 2009. And then the power went out. The end.

So, now we're back to the real world three days later, very disgruntled, exhausted and sick to death of the words "no electricity" "no water" "wasted frozen meat, chicken, fish and everything else in the damn refrigerator" Torturous three days and I don't want to talk about it right now, because if I do, some idiot will probably tell me to thank the gods I'm better off than the people who didn't have power for four or five days. I'm not interested. My problems are my own, which make them bigger and worse than everyone else's thank you very much, and go screw yourself.

Thankfully, I have other things to talk about. It seems my blog is finally kicking off (oh the wonders of social networking sites) mainly because I decided to not be so chicken shit anymore, and actually believe people like my husband and BFF who tell me that I can write, and need not hide my "stuff" in padlocked boxes, password protected word documents and online blogs. Seriously... four year old blog and I only just have the guts to go completely public. For all my bad assness, that's quite sad.

So anyway, back to my blog's baby steps towards (dare I say?) popularity. I received an email requesting a post! How wonderful is that? For a moment I could almost feel how J.K. Rowling must have when all her fans told her to not kill Harry off in the end. It's an honor to have someone ask you to write about something. Never mind if they ask you to write something (anything) relating to ex boyfriends in general, never mind if the topic is not right up there in the same league as say big issues like abortion, or religion, or Sarah Palin's secret plans to take over the world through faith and faith alone gosh darn it! I was asked to write about ex boyfriends, which is a great topic for some good laughs, so write I will. Because I have a few ex-boyfriends. Now, if I were male I would be able to say I was quite the ladies man, but because I'm female I'll just have to go with ummmm slut? Seriously! What's our term? Male magnets? Men's lady? Still sounds slutty to me. This is ridiculous, I feel like burning my bra in protest!

OK so, ex-boyfriends. Sadly, not many left a lasting impression on me, and I swear to all things unholy, I don't even remember what a couple of them looked like. In fact I ran into one a while back and I couldn't for the life of me remember his name. And if that wasn't bad enough, I didn't even remember going out with him, and... AND, I for some reason thought he went out with my best friend many years ago. I mean who in their right mind does not remember an ex? And more importantly, how mediocre a kisser was this guy that I have no memory of it? Seriously.. How many more have I forgotten? What the hell does this Mommy Brain do to us goddammit?

Anyway, I tend to remember my ex's by their nick names. I gave them all nick names after the break ups, which was part of my healing process. Not for me the late night ice-cream binges, or crying myself to sleep. I gave them nick names and imagined them several years down the line, married to horrible, nagging women with recurring acne problems. I can't remember all of the names but Jerkoff, Jerk of the Century, Asshole, and Dickless were definitely on the list. Wonderful therapy... So much better than songs about lost love. All you can do is cry over those when you have a broken heart right? What a waste of good Air Supply music. Singing "All Out of Love" when you're happy is so much better than sobbing the words into your pillow.

Some of the ex brigade were great guys. OK I'm exagerating, maybe one or two of them were great guys, and I remember them fondly from time to time. But the rest... Ickcity pigs! Specially one or two who I fell really hard for... hard, as in flat on my face with the word 'Doormat' stamped on my ass. What can I say? I had my very, very stupid days. Some of my friends while reminiscing with me still ask What the hell were you thinking? I always reply, I wasn't. Who thinks at times like that? Come on! Teenagers don't think.. Their raging hormones just latch on to the nearest target and they're set. At least I didn't marry anyone from my hormone filled, non-thinking days right? Some girls did! And while most of them are very happy I'm sure (if they're not divorced or doing the postman), some of them have to wake up every morning and ask themselves What the hell was I thinking? While a voice inside their head screams You weren't! You're weren't! But hurry! Get off your ass, and stage perfect in-love-with-my-husband picture for your Facebook profile soonest! Never mind if he looks like shit run over, backed up and run over again.

OK that was mean, I'm guessing not all my exes look like crap now, some were so fricking good looking, they could only have aged well. Not that I'm going to ever bother finding out, because I wasn't the Let's be bestest friends forever and ever after our breakup, and you can be Godfather to my first born child kind of gal. I only made the exception with my husband who in case you didn't know went from best friend, to boyfriend, then ex-boyfriend, then boyfriend again, fiance and finally husband, while managing to remain my best friend through it all, and almost definitely ignoring that voice in his head which yelled What the hell are you thinking?

Twitter, Tweet, Tweeters

I have nothing else to do right now, and am suffering from a severe block when wanting to write about normal, everyday stuff. So what’s the best thing to fall back on io write about in the online world if not social networking sites, and the people who favor them?

I like Twitter, I really do… And, I try to keep my statuses updated as much as possible. But, I know I’m nowhere in the category of the hard core, 100% Twitter addicts. I suppose, some of the more addicted never-want-to-even-consider-another-online-application-EVER people must have updates like the ones below. Even if they don’t, it won’t stop me from imagining it, because really… Some come very close to what you’re going to read.

CaringMom The kids are hungry and I really need to get breakfast done.
10 minutes ago from web

CaringMom Have no idea what I should prepare for breakfast
9 minutes ago from web

CaringMom @daisy Didn’t have time for grocery shopping this week, so no fruit in the house
7 minutes ago from web

LovingWife Good morning world! It’s a lovely day today!
6 minutes ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom They’re screaming for food now, what is UP with these kids?
5 minutes ago from web

LovingWife Breakfast is ready for my dear husband!!
4 minutes ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom @daisy @naturemother Yes, I try to only buy organic, I want the best for my kids.
2 minutes ago from web

LovingWife The love of my life is enjoying his toast and eggs :)
1 minute ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom **sigh** I guess I better pour them a bowl of cereal or something
56 seconds ago from web

CaringMom Dammit!! We’re out of milk, heading over the store now.
10 seconds ago from web

LovingWife OMG!! I think my husband is having a heart attack… Should I call 911?????
3 seconds ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom Car won’t start… this day is so full of crap!
2 seconds ago from TwitterFon

RetroChick RT @Bunny @SuperMom @TwitterFreak @SadMan @Jesus_loves_ ME @Loser RT this and get a chance to win one 2oz jar of acne cream FREE!!!
2 seconds ago from web

Disclaimer

This blog post is intended for the un-named reader, and may contain information that is true, false, imagined, private, privileged, or unsuitable for an exceptionally sensitive person or persons with little or no sense of humor and/or low self-esteem. This post may also not be suitable for persons of irrational and/or extreme religious beliefs. If you are or are not any of these readers, then any distribution of this post other than the acceptable "Share" option on social networking sites (listed below) and/or link backs is strictly prohibited. Forget about me wanting copyrights, I will hunt you down and make you eat rotten eggs.

No animals were harmed in the creation of this blog post, although we plan to get a pet whose fate we cannot foresee at the hands of two four year olds, so let's be clear on that. Those of you who indulge in love affairs with conspiracy theories and hold within yourselves irrational fears, will be pleased to know that there are no hidden messages in this post... even if you read it backwards or upside down. However, sitting in a circle of cinnamon and garlic cloves on a red carpet may ensure physical safety for you and your offspring. If you have stumbled across this blog post in error, please add 2 cups of sugar, 1 egg white, 3 shots of tequila and whisk on high for 15 minutes. Serve chilled after sex in a hot tub.

Dear Super Duper Twin Mothers,

I've been going back and forth on Twitter with my friend Poppins (this is what I refer to her as and I like it, even if she may not) about kids and noise. Poppins happens to be in the midst of finding her calling by writing 'how to' articles on a variety of subjects, and her first and most recent one targets mothers everywhere. She's clear, concise and she knows what we all want, damn her.

So, yesterday I asked Poppins to write a 'how to' article on controlling noise with two 4yr olds. She of course responded saying she has one four year old, and wouldn't know about two together. Then she laughingly said how sorry she felt for me at that time, which made me laugh. Yes, I laughed oh all ye fellow twin mothers who must be ready to rake her over the coals... Because it was funny. I laugh at all sorts of things, and very specially with my friends about parenting. I've had more than my share of better you than me or My GOD, you really have your hands full or I feel so bad for you right now comments. If it's said with enough humor, I laugh. Not saying I don't snap right back with bitchiness and snark if I think they're being rude or just irritating. Most of us (mothers) at one point or the other encounter an idiot or three, who makes it their personal business to piss us off about our parenting skills, our kids speech, diet, clothing, looks, shoe size and goodness knows what else. They deserve the tongue lashings they receive, specially if they shoot their mouths off on a bad hair day.

But, when it comes to mothers of multiples getting all pissy and annyoed at mothers of singletons because they-just-don't-get-how-much-more-difficult-it-is-for-us-with-two then I have to say, enough is enough. Of course it's difficult, and hell yeah it's more difficult than having one baby and then another one after a couple of years. The first year is terrible, any mom of twins worth her salt will tell you that. But don't take it out on your singleton mom friend who calls you to complain about what a horrible day she's having with her only child. Would it kill you to offer some support while you laugh like a lunatic inside your head? (I swear I don't do that... well, maybe sometimes).

And if you're complaining about your two, would it hurt to laugh should she say "I feel so sorry for you right now." Of course she feels sorry for you, she doesn't have a frickin clue people, and the thought of all that you're going through with your two probably freaks her the hell out. I see the way people look at my kids sometimes, and the pity looks they throw at me. When they were infants and I would be lugging the two of them out of the car, I could swear some people cried. But it's funny! Because for one, they really look flabbergasted trying to imagine what it must be like, and two they will never know what it is like.

Which brings me to the superiority issue I see a LOT in many moms of twins these days. So you littered like a cat, yay for you and move the hell on. I'm serious now, and seriously in danger of pissing off a large population of twin mothers everywhere. "Two in one uterus" syndrome is fabulous, fantastic, amazing and leaves you with a better badge than just stretch marks, it stamps you with the almighty and almost impossible to lose twin skin, and let's just see who could ever compete with that right? Right? Fine then, move along, and what else do you have to be proud of? It didn't make you a better mother dearies, or a more "blessed" one (did I just say dearies?). You were not "chosen by God" to birth twins because you're so awesome and He wanted the perfect mother for your husband's forthcoming strong swimmers. Neither is there a reason you had multiples, while Mrs. Singleton down the street leads a meaningless life with her only child. No offense people, but you're not more special than the mother who birthed twins and then lost one. Grow the hell up and stop making youself out to be more superior to the rest.

And on a softer note...

It's a tough job, embrace it.
It will drive you nuts, fight it.
It will make you feel isolated sometimes... you're not alone, you're a mother.

Teeny Bopper Hell

From the time I was very young, I've been a people watcher. No, not one of those wall flower types who gape at everyone, or even a voyeur, nothing like that... just honest to goodness people watching. It's also not something I consciously do when out and about, because normally when I'm out and about, I can almost certainly be found chatting up a storm with one or more people.

But, for some reason I can still tune in to what the people around me are doing, saying etc. It's just weird, but I notice the most ridiculous things going on around me, no matter how engrossed I may be in a conversation or whatever else I'm doing at the time. For example, I would notice random guy in the far corner, hiding behind a menu, picking his nose and then wiping the booger off under his chair, or big lady with the sparkly white sandals, three rows down, pinching her husband's thigh and raising her eyebrows. Then I look around at the people with me and say "Did you SEE that?" and they look at me like I just landed in from another galaxy.

And, if that's not enough, then being able to tune into other conversations is another curse on my otherwise clean and spotless soul. I swear to you right here and now, I do not eavesdrop. I really don't have the time, and I also think what goes on in my head is more interesting than what a lot of people around me have to say. There I go, pissing people off again... one of these days, I'll get the nastygram and probably deserve it.

So, sitting in one of my favorite coffee houses today, with my husband as we waited for the kids to get off dance class, and who should come and sit down right next to us, but those wonderful, misunderstood and very frickin excited.... Teenagers!! Now, don't get me wrong, I love teenagers, and am a great defender of all things youthful, well maybe not the way some of them dress these days, but otherwise yes, I love teenagers, having being one myself many moons ago. But, when I'm enjoying a nice quiet cup of coffee with my husband and chatting about how I want to remodel the kids room, I do not want my curses to rise to the surface and start observing teenagers. ***Sigh*** But, they did, and I did, so here's what my curse brought to my attention.

Girl 1: I'm like so happy you guys could make it
Girl 2: So, so, so, like did he call?
Girl 1: Yeah he did, and Omigod, I was like SO excited!
Girl 3: Sooooo, like what did he... like SAY???
Girl 1: You will like not believe this, but he was like So I just called to wish you a happy birthday, and I was like Omigod, I can't believe you remembered and he was like Yeah, so what are you doing today? and I was like Oh nothing much, just like dinner with the fam and he was like OK then have a great birthday! Omigod! Omigod! Can you like belieeeeeeeeve it?
Girl 2: Omigod!!! Whaaat? He rememmmmmbered? Omigod!!
Girl 3: He's like SOOOO hot!
Girl 1 & 2: I KNOW!!!

No, they couldn't get us another table, no I couldn't tune out, no, I won't be going back there next year on July 8th, and no I did not appreciate my husband laughing at my rant later, because HE teaches this age group in school and is like used to like how they like speak like every like single like day!!

Informal Debate Rules - Thou Shalt and Thou Shalt Not

Most of my family or friends will tell you that I love to debate. They'll also tell you it's just another word for 'argue' and they're right. I can argue about anything, with anyone, at anytime, any day. My husband knowing this, married me anyway, and now probably lives to regret it. My four year old children, or at least my daughter is definitely biding her time watching, learning and preparing to kick my ass when I least expect it. I expect it every second of every day... I'm way ahead of her, and much taller.

What most people fail to understand, is that it's not a love for the actual argument, or beating someone when they're trying to make a point or **gasp** winning. It's just something people like me, do. And, we're not bad people, or bullies or whatever the hell you want to call us. We just like to make our point too, and most times we're so hell bent on making that point, we really do come across as bitches or bastards. Which is a load of crap. We love people, for the most part. I know I do, and I love to learn from them too.. Just because I'm talking hard and fast, does not mean I'm not listening. People tend to forget that when debating with the 'love to argue' types.

But, there are rules! Our rules, and we follow them, and just wish others would too. Granted they may not be formal rules listed on some international debate website, but they exist (or should) in any informal debate setting. So I'm going to type them out now, and probably piss off a lot of people in my life.

The Rules

1. Know What You're Debating
For there is nothing more annoying, than a person who likes to argue about something, he has little or no clue about. These are not the 'argue about everything' types... these ones usually have one pet subject they are ignorant about, and they love to show the world just how frickin ignorant they are about it... every chance they get.

2. Try to Understand
Make the attempt, really, it won't kill you. Time and again I see people not bothering to even attempt understanding what the other person is saying. Maybe they're just busy listening and agreeing with the voice (voices?) in their own head, so they can't hear, leave alone listen to anything else.

3. Be Yourself
If you do not have a personality, find one online or something, then adopt it.. and STICK with it. But to do not pull the whole I-have-a-multiple-personality-disorderish-type-of-personality. Which means you're nice one minute, and go completely off the deep end the next. It's confusing, and I for one never know if I should keep talking, or offer to run to the nearest pharmacy and buy you your meds.

4. Don't Be a Whiny Ass Baby
I'm going to play the whiny ass baby here for a second to really get the point across. I bring up a topic, and people get talking. Someone makes a point, and I begin an argument. They make another valid point, and all I can say in return is 'You're bullying me, wah wah wah, you're being so mean wah wah wah, and rude wah wah wah, and a bitch wah wah, wah, and I wish you wouldn't. You're so angry wah wah wah and I don't like anger because I've had a really hard day wah wah wah, I'm just trying to be nice and understanding of you and your point, but you won't let it go wah wah wah.

If I downed a drink for everytime I've encountered one of these piss poor excuses of "debators", I would be an alcoholic.

5. Keep it Simple.
Be short and to the point please and save the lengthy stuff for your blogs or journals like so many of us do. I like to debate, not lose my hearing to monotone crap, or make my retinas bleed a slow death. I just came across a couple of such "debate" posts on Facebook, and I swear to all that is holy, my eyes screamed in terror and I felt like they were gasping for air. It was terrible... sentence after sentence of type which would cure me of my insomnia if my eyes did not protest.

Thanks for stopping by... Have a great weekend!!

20 Confessions This Week

Too little time to post a whole long and drawn out post this week. Sad really, but I blame the heat which makes me lag behind on every major and minor chore around the house, outside the house, on top of the house... whatever.

01. I signed the kids up for dance class, and now wish I had checked the timings first.

02. Afternoon drives in what the weather bureau claims to be 35 degrees C is unbearable,
even with the air conditioning on full blast.

03. Weather forecasts for this city are always inaccurate.

04. I hate pollution more than everyone else.

05. Dance class does not drain kids of energy, an hour of it is like six tablespoons of sugar
washed down with Coke.

06. My husband cooked dinner today.

07. Because I pretended I was going to, and then let him insist he would.

08. I'm a good wife otherwise.

09. Made a plan to meet a fellow twin mom for breakfast, and kept my fingers crossed she
would be normal, and not one of those moms I love to hate.

10. She was better than normal, she was awesome.

11. My children have taken to wearing nothing when they're home.

12. I can't thank them enough.

13. My washing machine can't thank me enough.

14. It's 10:00pm and I haven't eaten dinner yet.

15. The husband can cook, and cook well... it's just taking a while today.

16. I'm a little hungry but won't ask how long before dinner's ready.

17. Because I'm a good wife like that.

18. My OCD kicked in big time today, and I cleaned like a mad woman.

19. I also decided my dining room needs a makeover, as in paint, new table, some this and
that.

20. Mentioned it to my husband... He pretended he didn't hear me.

Top Ten Most Annoying Facebook Friends

Ah yes, my special, special post for the Top Ten most Annoying Facebook "Friends" a person could have. This particular brand of annoying types who utilize the social network to spread their crapability, amongst their fellow users. Bottom line, they're laughed at, and not just in those "OMG she is SO friggin annoying" private messages being exchanged between close friends. When friends get together for a few drinks, or chat on the phone, they laugh at them. It's a fact. I know I laugh at them because they're funny as hell, and cannot control how glaringly their personalities (or lack of) shine through online.

Not that I have anything against Facebook, I sort of love it, and how it keeps me connected to my friends, non-friends, family, blah blah blah. It's a great time killer too, and more and more I'm putting it to better use than the usual You're looking great picture comments or finding that I truly "Like" people's xyz bought new shoes today status updates, or that the bird they most identify with is the American Bald Eagle, or better yet, will most likely have six hundred sex partners in their lifetime, even though they're 50 years old and have been in a monogamous marriage for 25 plus years. Incredibly mind numbing this book of faces can be.

So, on to my Top Ten Most Annoying Facebook Friends. Some of these types were generously suggested by a number of my good friends on Facebook, and other networks. I'm very grateful for their contributions, and promise that none of them fit into any of the categories mentioned... Ahem, and I hope it stays that way.

10. The Old Friend You Don't (Want to) Remember
Sends you a friend request, with a message attached which attempts to jog your memory of how close you two were at age 14. Mostly references some embarrassing situation you desperately choose not to remember, ever. But you're a nice person, so you grudgingly add her on, after which your life becomes a living hell, because she apparently remembers every pathetic thing you did in your teens, every guy you had a crush on, every hideous outfit you ever wore, and proceeds to post about it on your wall, along with pictures.

9. The Super Hyper Facebooker
These types leave me breathless! If Facebook has an application, group, quiz or fan page which will clog your newsfeed with updates, this friend will have added it to his profile. You log on to Facebook and all you see is Hyperoo is a fan of socks, Hyperoo joined the group Revenge of the Nerds, Hyperoo scored 75,000 points donating trees to friends, Hyperoo's secret aimbition is to be Snow White, Hyperoo joined the group "I Hate Gays" Hyperoo is a fan of "Gays Have a Right to Marry"... And on and on and frickin on. You spend most of your Facebook time clicking the "hide" button above all his updates, but it never ends.

8. The Weird Ass Song Status Friend
This one is a classic! She only posts random song titles or crap ass lyrics as her status updates, leaving most of her friends bewildered or rolling their eyes. These people usually have crappy taste in music, and no life.

7. The Everyone's Friend, Friend
It's a popularity contest and it must be won. This oddity spends several hours a day browsing through his friends' friend lists, and sends out as many requests as he can. He doesn't know you and he doesn't care.. He just needs to win the imaginary "Person With the Most Friends on Facebook" award.

6. The Stalker
This one is most likely your ex-sister-in-law, or an ex boyfriend/girlfriend, who adds you to their friend list and never keeps in touch. But they drop by your profile to browse through your photo albums (and probably save your pictures to their hard drive), keep themselves updated on who you add to your list, and keep refreshing your profile page every half hour to check for status updates. You of course can't prove they do any of this, but you know it's true.

5. The Poker/Hugger/Lover
I feel sorry for this one, and for those who have this one on their lists. If you click your 'Other Requests' button, you're screwed. Several hundred virtual hugs, virtual cocktails, virtual kisses, virtual sunflowers, virtual Happy Monday greetings, and bumper stickers await you... every-single-day. Annoying as hell, specially when you get cross eyed with boredom clicking the 'Ignore Request' button repeatedly.

4. The What is Facebook? User
If they can't tell you four functions of a cell phone, they should not be allowed to use the internet. The end.

3. The Under 18s
Someone show these kids something beyond the digital world. Please! No, I do not want to be their friend and babysit them online, no, I do not want to look at their endless gang 'V" sign pose mobile uploads, and no I do not want to read schweet-songbird is I hate boys updates every few minutes. And for the idiots over 18 who do this... Grow the hell up!

2. The Daily Profile Picture Changer
Need I say more?

And the winner is....

1. The I Party for Facebook User
My absolute favorite annoying type. It's all about status updates... and they're your typical Look-at-me-and-what-a-fabulous-life-I-have kind. Every day it's Party-animal is going to party tonight woohoo, Party-animal has TWO dinner parties to attend tonight.. AND an after dinner thing TOO, Party-animal is partying it up wid sum cool people she doesn't know from Adam YeeeHaww! Party-animal is having breakfast and planning her I-just-finished-my-period-party, Party-animal is exhausted from the fifty six parties she attended this month. And if that's not enough to burn your brain cells, you get to see pictures of Party-animal in drunk poses, with other fugly party animals, all dressed in 'fuck me' sandals, and midriff rolls of flab revealing tank tops, mascara streaked across sweat covered cheeks and wide, lipstick stained toothy grins galore. One sentence describes this kind best... No social life in high school and college.

If you have an annoying Facebook friend type I haven't mentioned, leave me a comment and tell me about them.

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