Our New Digs!

The last couple of weeks have been nothing but a whirlwind of activity, while we packed up our stuff and moved into our new home. Good Lord! What a boring start to a blog post. Let me try again.

Moving can be a royal fucking pain in the ass!

When one has OCD!

Better?

Anyway, quick history. We were looking out for another place for a while now, and finally came across something which suited us well. However, since we're Pakistani and all, what suits us might not be considered acceptable for most people. Yes, I mean you western types. You should know that in Pakistan, everyone lives in huts.

Yes, huts!

We razed everything the British built for us after they left.

Who needs fantastic architecture right?

Contrary to what people in the west get to see on the news, Pakistan is a typical third world country, and we are poor. Dirt poor. So poor in fact, that only the very rich among us can afford to bake bricks to lay as walls for their homes. The rest of us poor folk settle for thatched roofs and bamboo walls, straw or mud flooring, and four foot holes in the ground which serve as our toilets.

But, we have wireless internet!

I get so tired of people constantly thinking we Pakistanis are a modern country. Tired of them thinking we have cable television, cars, fine dining restaurants and educational institutions. Tired of them thinking some of us actually wear western clothes, shop at malls and ***gasp*** speak English! So, I'll take this moment to give credit to my Mexican born English translator, without whom I could never blog, or sign my name. She's the "Press 1 for English" kind in case you were wondering.

Her family who have lived in America for a decade still press '2.'

So, our new house. It's fantastic, and since words cannot do it enough justice, I asked a British tourist to take a picture of it for everyone to see. In exchange I gave him some flat bread which was supposed to be my kids' dinner.

Isn't it awesome?

We're ordering our furniture from Pottery Barn!

Pictures of the interior coming soon! Have a good weekend everyone!

Valentine's Day Ideas - Umm Really?

So, I got another email forward today, and no there were no corpses in it. But, what with all the overflowing of love and mush because Valentine's day is tomorrow, this email titled "Valentine's Day Ideas" gave one some insight into how this day should be celebrated with the one you love. Honestly, they were practically insisting everyone do what they suggested.

Heading the list was

1. Think Back

It went on to ask the reader to remember those wonderful days, when they openly demonstrated their love for their spouse, in many small but meaningful ways. I remember writing little notes to my husband (then boyfriend). You know, those cute little bits of paper, with Have a great day hun, I love you... Muuuuah written in purple ink, and decorated with a few hearts? No really, I'm lying, I never did that even though I loved writing in purple ink then. So, I thought, why not write him a little note today, so I could slip it into his shoe tomorrow morning, and won't he be pleasantly surprised to find it. Grabbed my note cards, a black pen (sorry, no purple ink anymore since I'm all grown up now) and chewed the end trying to think of something romantic to write, without sounding 18.

I ended up writing out our grocery list for the week.

2. Create a Top 10 List of What You Like About Your Partner

Again, I tried...

Top 10 Things I Like About You

10. I like that you're a great father and husband, no wait.. I love that.

9. I like how you love me. Umm nope, I love that too.

8. I don't like how that sounded as if I were 15 years old

7. Oh, I like your taste in movies!

6. I like that you'll forget I said such a lame thing.

5. I can't do this.

4. Wait, let me try again.

3. I like how laid back you are.

2. This is the most asinine thing I've ever done.

1. I'd rather buy you boxers.

Moving on...

3. Jolt up happy memories with a blow-up print out of a picture of those "carefree days" and put it in a conspicuous place.

Clearly the author of that has NO idea how depressing it is to see "carefree" pictures of oneself from over a decade ago. Old pictures belong in albums for our children, and their children to laugh over. Please!

4. Instead of sitting in separate chairs while you watch your next movie on television, sit together on the couch, so that you can cuddle, and perhaps even steal a little kiss every now and then. For the Valentine weekend, you could rent a romantic movie.

What? And, not watch some thriller, while we munch take-out pizza, and maybe drink some beer while the kids sleep?

5. Give your partner a nice shoulder rub, a back or foot massage and/or a back scratching session.

Sometimes sex is the answer, believe me.

6. Make a fun desert for after dinner

Fun! After cooking all day, feeding the kids, making menu plans for the week, all I want to really do is cook some more stuff for after dinner. I'll send the kids to the neighbor's house, ignore that they have school the next day, and make dessert with the huz, so we can refuckingconnect! Lovely!

7. Heart Shaped Burgers

You are not.fucking.serious!

I don't get this.. All this "Be romantic" crap for Valentine's Day. I get that it's one of those overly commercial holidays, but can they please leave (some of) us very married people out of it? I love the odd card, and bunch of roses as much as the next wife, but my husband and I don't need to "re-connect" thank you very much. We're connected in ways most 20 somethings won't have a clue about, till they've birthed and lost sleep over a few babies of their own.

Our mundane day to day crap is what re-connects us. Those calls to say "I'll be home late," laughing together about something the kids did, talking about our tiring day every night, or even twice a week, brief "Hey, how are you doing honey?" moments all keep the love steady and strong. I no longer need to give my husband a foot massage to "bond" with him, because the looks we share over our helplessly laughing children's heads, bonds us for life. Completing years of marriage, knowing how much we've overcome, and how far we still have to go, holds us together better than concrete would. I don't have a list of 10 things I like about my husband, because I have a mental list of a billion things I love about him. He lives in our home, he earns a living which feeds my kids, he sleeps in my bed every night, he drops our kids to school each morning, he cleans up puke off the carpet ffs.

That's better than any store bought Hallmark card, my friends. And, if I want to just kick back, and relax in my PJs, while watching a movie with my husband this Valentine's Day, I will. Our sex life will not suffer for it, so screw you.

Happy Valentine's Day honey, I love you! Don't forget I still love purple roses! :D

Good Morning, Gone Bad!

So, picture this. You're up early on a lovely Wednesday morning, enjoy a nice cup of coffee out on your balcony, before you wake the huz and kids. You get them ready (the kids, not the huz), pack their lunches, and spend a good ten extra minutes taking care of those "must dos" they probably plan and plot every night to spring on your already cluttered brain each a.m. I must remove my pencil case from my backpack, rearrange it's contents, and put it back in... I must, I must! or I must ask Mommy if I can take my favorite doll to school, or my other favorite doll, or my other, other favorite doll. You get the picture. So, once they all leave, and silence descends, what do you do?

The laundry!

Well, yes, but only after you make yourself a nice big mug of coffee, and either watch the news, or go online. You never do laundry before you de-stress from the morning's madness. Never! And, if you do, then stop doing it, because it makes the rest of us lazy ass stay at home parents look bad.

Right, so you were supposed to be picturing something, and here it is again. The kids are gone, the spouse has left for work, you have your coffee cup steaming, the house is quiet and humming, and everything is lovely. Then you check your email, and there's one from estranged FIL. Nothing to be alarmed about, since all mails from the in-law camp are email forwards. You know, those annoying and crappy mails which you just delete without another thought? So, you get ready to hit 'delete' when you notice the title "Incorruptible Corpses."

Hmmm could this be some scientific article? You wonder, and you click 'Open'

BAD move!

Very bad!

Image after image after damn image of saint corpses! Or corpses of saints.

I mean... Who? Why? WTF?

Who sends people shit like that? Why the hell do they need to send it to anyone? WTF is their problem? Seriously!

And, some of them had their eyes open! OMG it freaked me the hell out! Like who the fuck wouldn't be freaked out by an image of an eyes open corpse of Imelda Lambertini, who apparently is some fourteenth century saint, who was twelve years old when she died?

Twelve!

Eyes wide open!

Corpse!

For the love of God, would people please, please stop ramming all this religious stuff down everyone's throats already? I am so sick of this shit, honestly! And, if that wasn't enough, there was all this bolded text praising Jesus and God. Really? You're praising God for a corpse? Have you stopped taking your meds? Do you even have meds? Is it OK if I insist you take meds? Like right now?

It's bad enough living in a place, where every other day you're subjected to news stories of violence, and horrible images, without having to open your personal email and see more crap. Now, I'll be dreaming about Imelda and all those saint corpses all night.

Message: Catholics! Bury your dead... PLEASE!

Mommy Confession: I Hired a Maid

And, being a stay at home mom, that tops the list of being a lazy slob doesn't it? I mean aside from the bon bons I spent years eating, while I watched soaps on TV and ignored my children, I wasn't satisfied with my laziness. No, I had to go and hire a maid to clean my house. I'm a terrible human being! This wasn't an easy decision to reach, and I spent many months contemplating whether getting some help would be a good idea or not. Then of course, I asked myself the questions which needed to be asked, and now you can sit back and picture me having a discussion with myself, while I lay in bed exhausted one night a few weeks ago.

Do you need help?

Probably not.

Are you tired?

Hell yes!

Do you accept defeat that it's all becoming impossible to handle yourself?

Never!

Can you make up your damn mind?

Fine! I'll hire someone to take over my house and my life, maybe she can also be J's second wife.

Stop being so melodramatic, and stop rhyming words ffs!

I'm not hiring help, because I'm not a working mother

Oh please! Think of long coffee mornings and true peace.

Sold!

Good girl!

I'll give it a one month trial.

Pain in the ass!

So, now I have a maid, who is not a child, or even a teenager, or even a young adult, but neither is she old. And, I still do the laundry. Don't ask why, because it has something to do with a temporarily faulty machine which the maid cannot handle. No, I don't want any big wig company gifting me a spanking new washing machine. Oh wait, why would they care? I'm not a millionaire blogger. **snicker**

Anyway, so much for quiet, peaceful coffee mornings. Not that it's not fun, I really don't have much to do after the natives leave the house. Of course, the hour and a half before they all leave is enough to drain half my energy. But, overall I'm in a much better mood when the kids come home, have more energy to spend time with them doing kid stuff, help with homework, and cook their favorite meals. I could get addicted to this fancy life.

Or, I could get a job.

Which is another thing I have time for now. Seriously, I actually have time to job hunt, but I sit here writing something which is not job related at all. Judge me all you want, but I earned this vacation. I have twins you know, with no maid, no help, no babysitter, nothing for five years. Five! If you think it's not that bad, may you be "blessed" with twinfants and no assistance. That's all I'm going to say about that. Don't knock the SAHM lifestyle until you've tried it my friends. It's not as easy as we make it look! And, no I am NOT, repeat NOT saying working mothers are horrible parents and have it easy, so please let's not make it about that. Besides, the term "working mother" is redundant isn't it?

Daddies be quiet, this is not about you.

It's about me.

And, my maid.

She's working out really well surprisingly. And, I don't even have to stalk her and insist she do this or that, and anyone living in PK will appreciate what I'm saying. In fact, if I tell them she actually thinks for herself and sticks to a schedule, they might want to steal her from me, and keep her in a glass case in their living room, so they can pay her homage.

Life is good with her around (by good, I mean easier) and I truly am enjoying the break, working on long forgotten projects I planned but never had time for.

Like hour long showers.

Moral of the story: Don't be ashamed to get some domestic help, even if you're a stay at home mom.

Saying 'F-You' the Internet Way!

I'll apologize in advance for any typos in this post, since I just saw a bright, shocking pink van pass by below my balcony. On a cold, dreary winter evening like this, it nearly blinded me much like Mariah Carey's bling must have blinded all those who caught a glimpse of her, at the Golden Globes this year. What is up with that woman and her horrendous dress sense? And, who was that little boy with her? Is that the male mid-life crises, sports car equivalent for women now?

So, this week has been busy with the usual this, that, kids and the other. Being online has been nothing but a headache, and I was about ready to burn switch off my computer for a while, and take a break from way too much drama, when I noticed I'd been defriended by someone on Facebook. Now, this is only the second (or third) time this has happened to me in the last three years that I know of, because really, I don't login everyday and count how many friends I have online. Who cares right?

Anyway, it got me thinking about the craziness surrounding online interaction, and how social networks, message boards, chat services etc. all enable passive aggressive behavior. Stop and think for a moment... How many "Fuck you" buttons are there available online which don't really let you say what you want to say, but allow you to be passive aggressive?

The Ignore Button

It's available on message boards, on chat. Facebook calls their one the "Hide" button... And, even your cell phone probably has one for calls you want to avoid right? So, now you have the option of not reading stuff you don't want to read, from people who are on your "friends" list. It's so easy to click that little button, and if you do it a lot, then I'm betting you don't have the balls to tell your friends to just shut the fuck up when they spew out crap. Oh, and hiding Farmville and CafeWorld updates on Facebook does not count. I do it all the time, because I'm not interested in how many imaginary beef stews someone has on their online stove, that they made too much of, and absolutely must share with all their six hundred friends, eight times a day.

The Report Button

Really! Is this Kindergarten? Do these sites not realize how much they're enabling the uptight people who lack spine? Some people like to report everything! They're like dude, she posted the word "sex" in her response to me, that's totally unacceptable, I think she's a closet lesbian, and that goes against my religious beliefs which require me to wear magical underpants (even though I do think she's hot), so I'm going to report her post! And, before you know it, some pompous moderator sends you an email asking you to refrain from intimidating other posters with your trash talk. Because, apparently the word 'sex' reminds some people how little of it they get, and that's not right.

The Remove from Friends Button

Aka the de-friend button in Facebook jargon. And, this has undoubtedly got to be the most childish, idiotic and cowardly button of all. I understand many friendships end, but come on people... No need to abuse the button. Again, for those who lack the balls to actually send someone a note saying Hey, this friendship is over, it's perfect! Whatever happened to good old fashioned "Getting it off your chest" "Talking it out" "Addressing the issue" with a friend? Not that it's not healthy to cut the toxic ones out of your life sometimes, but having the option to just remove someone from your online social circle with one click, is driving people to some pretty pathetic behavior. We're all like OMG she posted six comments to her other friend's status update, and didn't even "Like" mine... Defriend, defriend, defriend! I'm all powerful, you don't deserve to socialize with me on Facebook anymore. So there!

WTF?

The Like Button (OK, not officially a passive aggressive one, but...)

... Why no 'Dislike' button? And, if someone doesn't click the 'Like' button on my update, should I assume they don't like it? If I were insecure, I'd stay up nights wondering why no one likes the song lyric I posted recently because I was bored. They didn't click the button, they must hate me, so I'll defriend them now, the traitorous gits!

The Ban Button

A power hungry, message board administrator's dream. Enough said!

The Block Button

Seriously? If it's not a stalker who wants your body, what is the need may I ask? Is defriending someone not enough? No, let's block them and really show our loathing.... From behind the screen, where we're safe, and they can't find us... Ever! After we change our phone number, or move to Tibet.

Why do so many social networks enable this piss poor behavior? I thought the internet was all about bringing people together, opening up lines of communication never known before, giving people a platform to express themselves, share thoughts, ideas, likes, dislikes. A place where adults can interact without imagining they're in grade school.

Why are we screwing it up for ourselves?

The Green Eyed, Hateful Kind!

So, I'm going to talk about hate filled people today, and not just your average hate filled person. There is one particular brand of people who go through life hating everyone, and they are none other than... Social outcasts. Not, the ones who try to fit in, not the ones who get shunned for their looks or brains, but the ones who envy everyone and everything around them, instead of just attempting to better themselves.

Do you remember this type of person in high school?

She was always the one glaring at you when you laughed, turning her nose up your new outfit, tattling to the teacher for imagined offenses, spying/stalking/eavesdropping and generally making a nuisance of herself, so much so that everyone avoided her.

And, then she cried foul.

Because she was hateful.

And, a fugmuppet*.

Later, she grew up physically and didn't like what she saw in the mirror, because all that frowning and nose wrinkling etched a permanent look of disdain on her face, which no amount of face cream could ever erase. And, so she hated people more, because she was unhappy with herself. She then proceeded to stir shit every chance she got, and loathed anyone who was liked and respected. She's still visible in groups today, buttering up the right people, handing out sob stories to win sympathy, and attempting humor which makes little to no sense. She puts on a fake face and wins attention.

While inside, she's still seething.

And, plotting her revenge.

I've always disliked this kind of person, and got into way too much trouble in school defending people who she decided she hated. I was also on the hate list, but didn't give a rat's ass generally, because I'm tough, what with being a Pakistani chick and all. What startles me though, is how this hate is carried into adulthood and how much it grows. It's very, very sad, and downright ridiculous. People like this really need to find their own island, and live together in perfect haterimony.

But, of course they won't.

And, now with the internet, and it's various social networks, they're full of glee as they sit protected behind a screen and spew their venom, and imagine all the fun everyone else is having at their expense. Why they don't move on, and get some therapy is beyond me. I mean, I know it's not possible for them to get laid regularly, or even occasionally, but really!

Buy a vibrator!

And, leave people alone.

I've always taken the internet for what it really is. A nice resource, and a time suck. It's perfect for everyone who cares to have a little down time, catch up with friends, exchange jokes, stories, links, constantly update on Twitter and Facebook.. Indulge in wasteful creative blogging. So, when I log on, the last thing I want to see is crap ass drama.. Not that I don't enjoy drama from time to time, but it has to be good. I mean if you're going to do the wrong thing and create trouble, at least put some effort into it, and do it right. Sitting in back rooms plotting the destruction of nice people, with your own hateful kind is not the way to go. Stalking is not cool either, and on the internet it just makes you look pathetic. So, please be constructive.

And, start by getting a life!

*Thanks G - Your expressions are the best!

Daddy is Not a Babysitter!

So, I'm sitting here and once again wishing people would stop congratulating me on what a fabulous husband I have. Not that he isn't fabulous, there's no doubt about that, but like any other husband and father, he does not require (or want) a pat on the back for doing his duty as a parent.

A few things worth mentioning...

When told he changed our babies diapers

People smile at him in amazement

When they hear he also bathed the babies

Most women swoon, as if he's Edward Cullen in the sparkly flesh

When I mention he cooked dinner for the family

They rush to the stores which sell trophies, and purchase one for him

When I go out with my friends

It's "Aww it's so sweet that your husband babysits the kids"

Babysits? He co-parents our kids!

I do not understand this, and really don't understand this almost religious adoration shown to men who "help" their wives with the children on some odd occasion. Why do we refuse to see it for what it really should be? Parenting! It's what needs to be done. It's what we're supposed to do. Change the diapers, prepare the meals, tend to cuts and scrapes, soothe a crying child... Parenting! Some of my friends think I'm pretty ungrateful because I dismiss their gushing over how "helpful" my husband is. Let me say this to them... I love my husband, I appreciate many, many things about him, I'm thankful for tons more, but I do not need to pay him homage when he spends half an hour with the kids, so I can cook dinner in peace. He doesn't want the thanks, and neither do I want to be constantly thanked for everytime I wash a dish.

There are many women who I think need to grow a little backbone, or alternatively stop treating their husbands like idiots who are capable of accomplishing only one small task at a time. They may surprise you, believe me. They're more than capable, and if they're not? They'll learn to be, and unlike small five year old children, they do not need us standing on the sidelines cheering them on.

It's time most stay at home moms mothers around the world also stepped back a bit, and allowed these guys to be fathers. Admit it, we take on too much, attempt to do everything ourselves, put our lives, interests, wants and needs firmly in a box and lock it. And while we're happily doing all that, telling ourselves we're so great, because we do everything to nurture our children, and shower them with love, we tend to forget there's another parent around, who needs to nurture and love those kids too. And, more importantly, the children need him to do that, free and clear of mommy butting her nose in. He may work 9-5 or 9-9 or whatever, but when he's around, he's right there and perfectly capable. And, don't give me that He works all day and is usually tired crap... We all work all day and are tired, get over it!

Step back.

And, when it's all done, hold the thanks and give conversation a chance. Let him talk about his time with the kids... And, listen. You may be surprised when you notice he needs no thanks, and isn't looking for any.

Because, he actually enjoyed his time with his children.

The Good, the Bad, and the Fugly!

Hmm, thinking, and some more thinking, attempting to brainstorm for fresh and interesting topics I can blog about... Coming up with nothing all frickin week!

I'm pathetic.

I suppose everyone is well past the whole Yippeee it's 2010, let's make resolutions we'll forget about next week. Thank goodness it's over, because I got so sick of listening to people go on and on about diet and exercise (that tops the list every year doesn't it?), putting the past behind them, saving more money, taking out more "me" time blah blah blah. No one mentions enjoying sex more, or anything fun...

Like selling the kids.

Can you tell I'm not in the greatest of moods? Well, that's because I'm tired. It's been non-stop chaos in our house since a week before Christmas. Everyone was home (that alone increases my stress levels to epic proportions by day 3), everything needed to be done, people visited and stayed long past their welcome, the kids got way too many toys, it rained cardboard boxes and batteries all over my living room, while their room's floor vanished under an avalanche of toys. The laundry pile kept increasing, no matter how much I grabbed from it, and threw into the wash machine, often without any detergent or water, because I was trying to hide the excess clothes in there, and fully planning to burn wash them in the new year. And, I got tired of all that before the year ended.

Then, 2010 came along and, my already quite grumpy and tired self logged on to Facebook for some nice rest and relaxation, some new year wishes, some Bejeweled Blitz. But, I ended up getting cyber assaulted by some psychotic loon instead. Who also happens to be an old friend... Now former. Very former! So former in fact, that if I turned around, and looked behind me through a telescope, I would not be able to spot them. Yes, it was that bad, and I'm glad it's over. Good riddance and all that, because seriously, some people are just plain fucked up.

This attack was a surprise, although not a big one. I detected some weird behavior over the course of 2009, and expected this person to spontaneously combust at some point. Did not expect that to happen all over my computer monitor. And, I honestly didn't know what to do when it happened... Well, because for one, my nice screen got all messed up with the combustion, and second of all... It was the frickin holiday season for the love of sanity! People tend to enjoy the holidays, with family events, parties, fun, alcohol. Not indulge in bat shit crazy drama, with a side of crap, and vomit for dessert.

On New Year's Eve!

WTF? Who, pray tell me decides to let loose their pent up anger on new year's eve? In an email? At midnight? Thank goodness the internet on my phone sucked so I didn't see the crap till Jan 2nd. But, come on... New Year's Eve? (How many times did I say that?) A time for fun? Drinks? Fun? (OK, OK, some people sleep through it, and they're not losers) But, why would someone, anyone not want to smooch the hell out of their significant other at midnight on New Year's Eve, if they're awake? Why would they be on the internet creating drama, and blasting off hate mail all over the place? It's madness! It's pathetic! It's sad!

It's blog fodder*

So, anyway... We've reached the end of week one of the new year, and I'm already up to my pupils in schedules, routines, homework, laundry (still planning the bonfire since my motto of "A load a day, keeps heaps away" went to hell in a laundry basket.) And, am not ashamed to admit that I was relieved when everyone left the house early Monday morning, back to their regular routines of school, work and general out of the houseness. After they left, I locked the door and wept.

Tears of joy!

Happy New Year everyone... Have a great 2010.

*Stolen from my good friend @marymac, because she's so good with the words.

Visiting Coupledumb!

My first guest post! Woo Hoo!

And, I am so very honored to have been asked by the most kick ass, and lovable couple in the blogsphere, Lee and Paul at coupledumb.com

It's all about Christmas folks, so head on over there, read my latest post Don't Need a Reason for the Season and leave me some love (or hate, if that's what you do), and be sure to also check out the other great posts by Lee & Paul.

Cheers!