I've been going back and forth on Twitter with my friend Poppins (this is what I refer to her as and I like it, even if she may not) about kids and noise. Poppins happens to be in the midst of finding her calling by writing 'how to' articles on a variety of subjects, and her first and most recent one targets mothers everywhere. She's clear, concise and she knows what we all want, damn her.
So, yesterday I asked Poppins to write a 'how to' article on controlling noise with two 4yr olds. She of course responded saying she has one four year old, and wouldn't know about two together. Then she laughingly said how sorry she felt for me at that time, which made me laugh. Yes, I laughed oh all ye fellow twin mothers who must be ready to rake her over the coals... Because it was funny. I laugh at all sorts of things, and very specially with my friends about parenting. I've had more than my share of better you than me or My GOD, you really have your hands full or I feel so bad for you right now comments. If it's said with enough humor, I laugh. Not saying I don't snap right back with bitchiness and snark if I think they're being rude or just irritating. Most of us (mothers) at one point or the other encounter an idiot or three, who makes it their personal business to piss us off about our parenting skills, our kids speech, diet, clothing, looks, shoe size and goodness knows what else. They deserve the tongue lashings they receive, specially if they shoot their mouths off on a bad hair day.
But, when it comes to mothers of multiples getting all pissy and annyoed at mothers of singletons because they-just-don't-get-how-much-more-difficult-it-is-for-us-with-two then I have to say, enough is enough. Of course it's difficult, and hell yeah it's more difficult than having one baby and then another one after a couple of years. The first year is terrible, any mom of twins worth her salt will tell you that. But don't take it out on your singleton mom friend who calls you to complain about what a horrible day she's having with her only child. Would it kill you to offer some support while you laugh like a lunatic inside your head? (I swear I don't do that... well, maybe sometimes).
And if you're complaining about your two, would it hurt to laugh should she say "I feel so sorry for you right now." Of course she feels sorry for you, she doesn't have a frickin clue people, and the thought of all that you're going through with your two probably freaks her the hell out. I see the way people look at my kids sometimes, and the pity looks they throw at me. When they were infants and I would be lugging the two of them out of the car, I could swear some people cried. But it's funny! Because for one, they really look flabbergasted trying to imagine what it must be like, and two they will never know what it is like.
Which brings me to the superiority issue I see a LOT in many moms of twins these days. So you littered like a cat, yay for you and move the hell on. I'm serious now, and seriously in danger of pissing off a large population of twin mothers everywhere. "Two in one uterus" syndrome is fabulous, fantastic, amazing and leaves you with a better badge than just stretch marks, it stamps you with the almighty and almost impossible to lose twin skin, and let's just see who could ever compete with that right? Right? Fine then, move along, and what else do you have to be proud of? It didn't make you a better mother dearies, or a more "blessed" one (did I just say dearies?). You were not "chosen by God" to birth twins because you're so awesome and He wanted the perfect mother for your husband's forthcoming strong swimmers. Neither is there a reason you had multiples, while Mrs. Singleton down the street leads a meaningless life with her only child. No offense people, but you're not more special than the mother who birthed twins and then lost one. Grow the hell up and stop making youself out to be more superior to the rest.
And on a softer note...
It's a tough job, embrace it.
It will drive you nuts, fight it.
It will make you feel isolated sometimes... you're not alone, you're a mother.
So, yesterday I asked Poppins to write a 'how to' article on controlling noise with two 4yr olds. She of course responded saying she has one four year old, and wouldn't know about two together. Then she laughingly said how sorry she felt for me at that time, which made me laugh. Yes, I laughed oh all ye fellow twin mothers who must be ready to rake her over the coals... Because it was funny. I laugh at all sorts of things, and very specially with my friends about parenting. I've had more than my share of better you than me or My GOD, you really have your hands full or I feel so bad for you right now comments. If it's said with enough humor, I laugh. Not saying I don't snap right back with bitchiness and snark if I think they're being rude or just irritating. Most of us (mothers) at one point or the other encounter an idiot or three, who makes it their personal business to piss us off about our parenting skills, our kids speech, diet, clothing, looks, shoe size and goodness knows what else. They deserve the tongue lashings they receive, specially if they shoot their mouths off on a bad hair day.
But, when it comes to mothers of multiples getting all pissy and annyoed at mothers of singletons because they-just-don't-get-how-much-more-difficult-it-is-for-us-with-two then I have to say, enough is enough. Of course it's difficult, and hell yeah it's more difficult than having one baby and then another one after a couple of years. The first year is terrible, any mom of twins worth her salt will tell you that. But don't take it out on your singleton mom friend who calls you to complain about what a horrible day she's having with her only child. Would it kill you to offer some support while you laugh like a lunatic inside your head? (I swear I don't do that... well, maybe sometimes).
And if you're complaining about your two, would it hurt to laugh should she say "I feel so sorry for you right now." Of course she feels sorry for you, she doesn't have a frickin clue people, and the thought of all that you're going through with your two probably freaks her the hell out. I see the way people look at my kids sometimes, and the pity looks they throw at me. When they were infants and I would be lugging the two of them out of the car, I could swear some people cried. But it's funny! Because for one, they really look flabbergasted trying to imagine what it must be like, and two they will never know what it is like.
Which brings me to the superiority issue I see a LOT in many moms of twins these days. So you littered like a cat, yay for you and move the hell on. I'm serious now, and seriously in danger of pissing off a large population of twin mothers everywhere. "Two in one uterus" syndrome is fabulous, fantastic, amazing and leaves you with a better badge than just stretch marks, it stamps you with the almighty and almost impossible to lose twin skin, and let's just see who could ever compete with that right? Right? Fine then, move along, and what else do you have to be proud of? It didn't make you a better mother dearies, or a more "blessed" one (did I just say dearies?). You were not "chosen by God" to birth twins because you're so awesome and He wanted the perfect mother for your husband's forthcoming strong swimmers. Neither is there a reason you had multiples, while Mrs. Singleton down the street leads a meaningless life with her only child. No offense people, but you're not more special than the mother who birthed twins and then lost one. Grow the hell up and stop making youself out to be more superior to the rest.
And on a softer note...
It's a tough job, embrace it.
It will drive you nuts, fight it.
It will make you feel isolated sometimes... you're not alone, you're a mother.
7 comments:
I love this. All my IRL friends have singletons, and I honestly don't care if they complain at all. I don't get the competition. Babies are hard, one, two, or 15. Maybe none of us should be allowed to complain, no one except that crazy Octomom!
Well written Anne! I can identify with your viewpoint on sooooo many counts.
And yes, TOTALLY! I couldn't agree with you more that just cuz we're mothers of multiples does NOT automatically make us better mothers.
What makes us (any of us, singleton to supertwins) better mothers is loving attention, devotion, being real with them, letting them see good examples in us (at least most of the time), spending time with them and to the best of our ability - whatever that may be, feeding the best that we can, however we can and basically making sure they are loved.
I was this way with my son. And now I'm trying my damnedest to be this way with my girls.
I've watched my sister do it for 12 years now. Just giving birth alone to two babies seems too much for me. I salute you mother of two at once! (On the good note...you only had to be prego once! Now that is a happy thought!)...(minus all the extra pain and extra big belly thoughts...lol)
Thanks for poking my name in there. You are one of the best stalkers ever!
Can I get an AMEN?! Catty competition is catty whether you have one or two or twenty. Blech.
Laugh when you can manage it, cry when you can't, and help a friend hold their chin up during frustrated parenting moments instead of focusing on who's the biggest parenting martyr.
Awesome post. Can I say it? "You're so eloquent. You said exactly what I was thinking." :) But really, I mean it.
GREAT POST !!... Thanks for writing this ... I couldn't have said it better. But I would have included the MoMs who think they're better because they did it "naturally" and not through fertility treatments. Makes me want to scream at them.
I had one first ... I remember it was hard. Then I had two. My singleton friends have bad days too ... any kid crying non-stop is yucky ... with two the noise is just louder ... but just as annoying.
Great post!! I hate when I hear people saying "Singleton moms just don't get it!" Heck, my sister's singleton seemed harder than my twins because he had colic, etc. Thanks for saying it!!
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