Mommy Liar, Pants on Fire!

Are you a Mom? If so, good. This one's for you. If you're not one yet, or you're a dad, read this anyway.

So mommies... Life is hard right? You have kids who's needs you have to meet, car pools, lunch bags, early mornings, breakfast, a husband, no husband, laundry, dinner yada yada, you get the picture. So, clearly it's impossible for you to be happy and cheerful all the time? Of course it is. There are days when you just want to yell "Shut the fuck up" and really, really wish everyone would. I know I do and I'll be damned if I lie about it and constantly give the impression that life is just one big bottomless bowl of yummy ice-cream.

It is not, so shut up and stop lying (directed at the mothers who do). Life is often full of crap, admit it and get on with it already.

Stop with the incessant
I love my kids, they're the light of my life, I can't imagine life without them. Sure you can... you secretly imagine yourself lying on a beach, sipping daquries (or other drink of choice) secure in the knowledge that right then, they're annoying the hell out of grandma, but you don't care because you have a full body massage scheduled in half an hour. Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Stop constantly reaffirming vocally how much you love your husband. How much do you love him when he throws his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor, because his lazy ass can't be bothered opening the laundy hamper? How much do you love him then? Do you also love him like you love cuddly toys when he's snoring on the couch, with the TV blaring and you're making dinner amidst a kid riot? Please, stop lying!

There is no such thing as the perfect life, perfect kids, the perfect husband. And here's a thought, there's also no such thing as the perfect wife and mother. (I can almost hear the roar of disapproval from the perfect mommy camp, they'll probably send me a letter of protest on embossed, scented lilac colored stationery.) So, all you delusional women with Compulsive Liar Disease. Cure yourselves! I'm tired of your
I have the bestest life, because I have the bestest children, from the bestest husband in the whole wide world. Gag, puke and gag again. Stop the madness! When your kid is being a brat, which is often, suck it up and admit it. Children are the biggest brats known to any species in this galaxy, and making them out to be less than that makes you look like an idiot. Give them some credit, they could win competitions, if there were competitions titled What the Hell do You Think You're Doing? instead of those dumb kiddie pagents they hold for overly made up kids with overly obsessed parents.

I know (well sort of know) this woman who's kids are perfect. Their screeches during tantrums sound like bluebirds singing, their fights are like lovers wispering in the moonlight, they have only ever spilled a drop of water on their clothes. Bull fucking shit! You need threpay lady and you need it fast, because heaven forbid you ever snap... well, read the papers about parents who snap.

Why the obsession to put up a perfect front? Who makes up these stupid rules? Stupid, insecure people, that's who. And, I for one would like to slap them upside the head. They're ruining it for the rest of us who don't give a good goddamn about being vocal when things aren't looking up. Some of them actually have the audacity to look down on those who don't tackle life with the same denial skills they have. Well, I say screw them. Whether, you're a mom of multiples, one singleton, seven children and very specially a new mother, remember, everyone loves their kids, bends over backwards for their families, loves thier husbands and tries to love their MILs. But we love them faults and all, and nowhere does it say we're not great mothers if we admit our life is sometimes very, very hard or even just plain sucks.

If it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. And one day it will make you into one hell of a mom, (if you don't whine all the time. Seriously, don't whine all the time... let it out and get on with it). It's so much better than being a Living-in-denial-and-compulsively-lying-perfect-mother-figure-who-could-be-one- cup-of-spilled-juice-away-from-having-a-complete-nervous-breakdown.

Now go tell your kids they drive you bat-shit crazy!



Jenny Georgio-who said...

You kill me. I'm not a mom but like I said...I worked in a daycare and you cannot believe the number or parents that are in denial about thie children being the spawn of Satan. I guess they put up a front because seriously, who wants to listen to someone bitch and moan about their life 24/7? I personally hate hearing "Ever since I've had kids I can't get more than 3 hours of sleep a night and its not even peaceful sleep!" and "Little Jayden kept me up all night with her cough, and then of course Tyler was snoring like a train was passing through..."

Hearing people bitch and moan is just as vomit inducing as hearing people make their lives all sugary sweet and perfect!

Great blog! (And I love my husband even though he thinking my dining room acts as a second closet for him but I make sure to tell him and then threaten to throw his clothes away :) )

Caba said...

Very funny and true. I actually asked my husband yesterday if it was possible that Hailey was like that kid in the movie "The Bad Seed" that is just evil. haha.

As for the perfect husband, sorry, I really do have him. Except when he snores, and when he forgets, well, pretty much EVERYTHING.

Jennifer said...

Love this a billion!!
I fantasize hourly about dacquiris and massages.

Mike said...

I'm definitely not a mom and I'm not a dad yet, but I went ahead and read your post anyway. I love the down-to-earth tone of your posts. I see you changed the theme of your blog, too.

Former Fat Chick said...

You know when I love my hubs, when he is on the couch watching TV after dinner (which I cooked) and he "shushs me" becasue I am making too much noise scrubing pots and pans..OMG, I just want to jump his bones that INSANT, married life, wow, so awesome.