Got Nationality?

I've spent the last two days mulling around a few topics in my head, for a possible blog post. One subject has been on the forefront of my mind though and it relates to race. Oh yes, I said RACE people. That little four letter word which incites fierce debate, and feelings of righteousness. No newbie blogger would touch that subject with a ten foot pole, and I'm not going to either. But, I do have a story about how stupid some people here (in my country) can be when it comes to people of other nationalities and race. It's just a little glimpse, and an extreme one, but funny as hell... Or painful, depending on which way you look at it.

A couple of years back, or less (I can't be certain), I was out shopping with my sister who was visiting from overseas, and another good friend. So there we are, at the mall, snacking instead of shopping, when we see this girl we knew from years ago. She was a few tables down, with her kid and a large man... who was white. Not uncommon here, because plenty of our locals marry "foreigners" or Goras (white people) as we like to call them. My sister being one of them. Anyway, try as I did to avoid us running into her, it of course had to go and happen. Damn my sister and her niceness! And all in a rush of hellos, and how are yous (from my sister), this one does not bother responding, but then suddenly bursts out with This is my husband, he's a German. It took exactly five seconds for her to finish saying "German."

I watched my sister freeze, and could almost hear her willing herself to maintain her polite smile, while my friend rolled her eyes and then tried desperately to make eye contact with me. I did not give in, because I was too busy scanning the stores to see if they had trophies or medals on sale, so I could buy one for the idiot married to a German and congratulate her on her husband's nationality. And, if that wasn't enough bullshit which spewed from her mouth, she follows up with He's from Germany Wow, no shit Eisenstein! I swear to God I thought Germans were from Antigua. It was at the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed it and pretended I couldn't see my friend who was rolling her eyes even more, and making soft gagging noises, while my sister looked desperately at me for help. She wasn't getting any.

I sometimes do not jump into these situations with my smart ass mouth, not because they could lead to bloody lips, but because I have this sick and twisted need to watch asshats turn themselves into giant sized asshats. And, I'm glad I did, because years later, it's given me good material for a post on an otherwise non-creative day.And no, that wasn't the end of it. There was no stopping the idiot "who is a rush of breath went on He's here from Germany, and we'll be going to Germany soon, because he works in Germany and so I'll be joining him with my daughter in Germany. Never in my life have I heard the name of that country mentioned as much as I heard it in those three minutes.

Really, you can't make this shit up. This is the ultimate goal of a certain segment of Pakistani society... Marry the Gora and show it off. Oh, and get the passport! "This is my husband, he's a German" Who says stuff like that? I mean really, who? She never told us his name, and he just stood there like an ass, blushing, while she grinned like the cat who got the German canary.

I wonder how she would introduce him to her German friends if she should aquire any? What would she say? Probably This is my husband, he's German like you are. I on the other hand am a Pakistani, from Pakistan, but once I get my passport, I'll be a German, from Germany, because this is my husband, and he's a German.

It really was a buy gun, shoot self encounter.

Have a great weekend everyone, and by the way... This is my husband, he's... my husband.

Ex Boyfriends - The Post

Oh my goodness! What a terrific week this has been. NOT!

It all began one scorching hot and humid day in the city of Karachi, when it's residents decided they needed to pray for rain. And pray they did, for months and months, till finally the blessed rains fell from the heavens on Saturday, July 18, 2009. And then the power went out. The end.

So, now we're back to the real world three days later, very disgruntled, exhausted and sick to death of the words "no electricity" "no water" "wasted frozen meat, chicken, fish and everything else in the damn refrigerator" Torturous three days and I don't want to talk about it right now, because if I do, some idiot will probably tell me to thank the gods I'm better off than the people who didn't have power for four or five days. I'm not interested. My problems are my own, which make them bigger and worse than everyone else's thank you very much, and go screw yourself.

Thankfully, I have other things to talk about. It seems my blog is finally kicking off (oh the wonders of social networking sites) mainly because I decided to not be so chicken shit anymore, and actually believe people like my husband and BFF who tell me that I can write, and need not hide my "stuff" in padlocked boxes, password protected word documents and online blogs. Seriously... four year old blog and I only just have the guts to go completely public. For all my bad assness, that's quite sad.

So anyway, back to my blog's baby steps towards (dare I say?) popularity. I received an email requesting a post! How wonderful is that? For a moment I could almost feel how J.K. Rowling must have when all her fans told her to not kill Harry off in the end. It's an honor to have someone ask you to write about something. Never mind if they ask you to write something (anything) relating to ex boyfriends in general, never mind if the topic is not right up there in the same league as say big issues like abortion, or religion, or Sarah Palin's secret plans to take over the world through faith and faith alone gosh darn it! I was asked to write about ex boyfriends, which is a great topic for some good laughs, so write I will. Because I have a few ex-boyfriends. Now, if I were male I would be able to say I was quite the ladies man, but because I'm female I'll just have to go with ummmm slut? Seriously! What's our term? Male magnets? Men's lady? Still sounds slutty to me. This is ridiculous, I feel like burning my bra in protest!

OK so, ex-boyfriends. Sadly, not many left a lasting impression on me, and I swear to all things unholy, I don't even remember what a couple of them looked like. In fact I ran into one a while back and I couldn't for the life of me remember his name. And if that wasn't bad enough, I didn't even remember going out with him, and... AND, I for some reason thought he went out with my best friend many years ago. I mean who in their right mind does not remember an ex? And more importantly, how mediocre a kisser was this guy that I have no memory of it? Seriously.. How many more have I forgotten? What the hell does this Mommy Brain do to us goddammit?

Anyway, I tend to remember my ex's by their nick names. I gave them all nick names after the break ups, which was part of my healing process. Not for me the late night ice-cream binges, or crying myself to sleep. I gave them nick names and imagined them several years down the line, married to horrible, nagging women with recurring acne problems. I can't remember all of the names but Jerkoff, Jerk of the Century, Asshole, and Dickless were definitely on the list. Wonderful therapy... So much better than songs about lost love. All you can do is cry over those when you have a broken heart right? What a waste of good Air Supply music. Singing "All Out of Love" when you're happy is so much better than sobbing the words into your pillow.

Some of the ex brigade were great guys. OK I'm exagerating, maybe one or two of them were great guys, and I remember them fondly from time to time. But the rest... Ickcity pigs! Specially one or two who I fell really hard for... hard, as in flat on my face with the word 'Doormat' stamped on my ass. What can I say? I had my very, very stupid days. Some of my friends while reminiscing with me still ask What the hell were you thinking? I always reply, I wasn't. Who thinks at times like that? Come on! Teenagers don't think.. Their raging hormones just latch on to the nearest target and they're set. At least I didn't marry anyone from my hormone filled, non-thinking days right? Some girls did! And while most of them are very happy I'm sure (if they're not divorced or doing the postman), some of them have to wake up every morning and ask themselves What the hell was I thinking? While a voice inside their head screams You weren't! You're weren't! But hurry! Get off your ass, and stage perfect in-love-with-my-husband picture for your Facebook profile soonest! Never mind if he looks like shit run over, backed up and run over again.

OK that was mean, I'm guessing not all my exes look like crap now, some were so fricking good looking, they could only have aged well. Not that I'm going to ever bother finding out, because I wasn't the Let's be bestest friends forever and ever after our breakup, and you can be Godfather to my first born child kind of gal. I only made the exception with my husband who in case you didn't know went from best friend, to boyfriend, then ex-boyfriend, then boyfriend again, fiance and finally husband, while managing to remain my best friend through it all, and almost definitely ignoring that voice in his head which yelled What the hell are you thinking?

Twitter, Tweet, Tweeters

I have nothing else to do right now, and am suffering from a severe block when wanting to write about normal, everyday stuff. So what’s the best thing to fall back on io write about in the online world if not social networking sites, and the people who favor them?

I like Twitter, I really do… And, I try to keep my statuses updated as much as possible. But, I know I’m nowhere in the category of the hard core, 100% Twitter addicts. I suppose, some of the more addicted never-want-to-even-consider-another-online-application-EVER people must have updates like the ones below. Even if they don’t, it won’t stop me from imagining it, because really… Some come very close to what you’re going to read.

CaringMom The kids are hungry and I really need to get breakfast done.
10 minutes ago from web

CaringMom Have no idea what I should prepare for breakfast
9 minutes ago from web

CaringMom @daisy Didn’t have time for grocery shopping this week, so no fruit in the house
7 minutes ago from web

LovingWife Good morning world! It’s a lovely day today!
6 minutes ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom They’re screaming for food now, what is UP with these kids?
5 minutes ago from web

LovingWife Breakfast is ready for my dear husband!!
4 minutes ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom @daisy @naturemother Yes, I try to only buy organic, I want the best for my kids.
2 minutes ago from web

LovingWife The love of my life is enjoying his toast and eggs :)
1 minute ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom **sigh** I guess I better pour them a bowl of cereal or something
56 seconds ago from web

CaringMom Dammit!! We’re out of milk, heading over the store now.
10 seconds ago from web

LovingWife OMG!! I think my husband is having a heart attack… Should I call 911?????
3 seconds ago from TweetDeck

CaringMom Car won’t start… this day is so full of crap!
2 seconds ago from TwitterFon

RetroChick RT @Bunny @SuperMom @TwitterFreak @SadMan @Jesus_loves_ ME @Loser RT this and get a chance to win one 2oz jar of acne cream FREE!!!
2 seconds ago from web

Disclaimer

This blog post is intended for the un-named reader, and may contain information that is true, false, imagined, private, privileged, or unsuitable for an exceptionally sensitive person or persons with little or no sense of humor and/or low self-esteem. This post may also not be suitable for persons of irrational and/or extreme religious beliefs. If you are or are not any of these readers, then any distribution of this post other than the acceptable "Share" option on social networking sites (listed below) and/or link backs is strictly prohibited. Forget about me wanting copyrights, I will hunt you down and make you eat rotten eggs.

No animals were harmed in the creation of this blog post, although we plan to get a pet whose fate we cannot foresee at the hands of two four year olds, so let's be clear on that. Those of you who indulge in love affairs with conspiracy theories and hold within yourselves irrational fears, will be pleased to know that there are no hidden messages in this post... even if you read it backwards or upside down. However, sitting in a circle of cinnamon and garlic cloves on a red carpet may ensure physical safety for you and your offspring. If you have stumbled across this blog post in error, please add 2 cups of sugar, 1 egg white, 3 shots of tequila and whisk on high for 15 minutes. Serve chilled after sex in a hot tub.

Dear Super Duper Twin Mothers,

I've been going back and forth on Twitter with my friend Poppins (this is what I refer to her as and I like it, even if she may not) about kids and noise. Poppins happens to be in the midst of finding her calling by writing 'how to' articles on a variety of subjects, and her first and most recent one targets mothers everywhere. She's clear, concise and she knows what we all want, damn her.

So, yesterday I asked Poppins to write a 'how to' article on controlling noise with two 4yr olds. She of course responded saying she has one four year old, and wouldn't know about two together. Then she laughingly said how sorry she felt for me at that time, which made me laugh. Yes, I laughed oh all ye fellow twin mothers who must be ready to rake her over the coals... Because it was funny. I laugh at all sorts of things, and very specially with my friends about parenting. I've had more than my share of better you than me or My GOD, you really have your hands full or I feel so bad for you right now comments. If it's said with enough humor, I laugh. Not saying I don't snap right back with bitchiness and snark if I think they're being rude or just irritating. Most of us (mothers) at one point or the other encounter an idiot or three, who makes it their personal business to piss us off about our parenting skills, our kids speech, diet, clothing, looks, shoe size and goodness knows what else. They deserve the tongue lashings they receive, specially if they shoot their mouths off on a bad hair day.

But, when it comes to mothers of multiples getting all pissy and annyoed at mothers of singletons because they-just-don't-get-how-much-more-difficult-it-is-for-us-with-two then I have to say, enough is enough. Of course it's difficult, and hell yeah it's more difficult than having one baby and then another one after a couple of years. The first year is terrible, any mom of twins worth her salt will tell you that. But don't take it out on your singleton mom friend who calls you to complain about what a horrible day she's having with her only child. Would it kill you to offer some support while you laugh like a lunatic inside your head? (I swear I don't do that... well, maybe sometimes).

And if you're complaining about your two, would it hurt to laugh should she say "I feel so sorry for you right now." Of course she feels sorry for you, she doesn't have a frickin clue people, and the thought of all that you're going through with your two probably freaks her the hell out. I see the way people look at my kids sometimes, and the pity looks they throw at me. When they were infants and I would be lugging the two of them out of the car, I could swear some people cried. But it's funny! Because for one, they really look flabbergasted trying to imagine what it must be like, and two they will never know what it is like.

Which brings me to the superiority issue I see a LOT in many moms of twins these days. So you littered like a cat, yay for you and move the hell on. I'm serious now, and seriously in danger of pissing off a large population of twin mothers everywhere. "Two in one uterus" syndrome is fabulous, fantastic, amazing and leaves you with a better badge than just stretch marks, it stamps you with the almighty and almost impossible to lose twin skin, and let's just see who could ever compete with that right? Right? Fine then, move along, and what else do you have to be proud of? It didn't make you a better mother dearies, or a more "blessed" one (did I just say dearies?). You were not "chosen by God" to birth twins because you're so awesome and He wanted the perfect mother for your husband's forthcoming strong swimmers. Neither is there a reason you had multiples, while Mrs. Singleton down the street leads a meaningless life with her only child. No offense people, but you're not more special than the mother who birthed twins and then lost one. Grow the hell up and stop making youself out to be more superior to the rest.

And on a softer note...

It's a tough job, embrace it.
It will drive you nuts, fight it.
It will make you feel isolated sometimes... you're not alone, you're a mother.

Teeny Bopper Hell

From the time I was very young, I've been a people watcher. No, not one of those wall flower types who gape at everyone, or even a voyeur, nothing like that... just honest to goodness people watching. It's also not something I consciously do when out and about, because normally when I'm out and about, I can almost certainly be found chatting up a storm with one or more people.

But, for some reason I can still tune in to what the people around me are doing, saying etc. It's just weird, but I notice the most ridiculous things going on around me, no matter how engrossed I may be in a conversation or whatever else I'm doing at the time. For example, I would notice random guy in the far corner, hiding behind a menu, picking his nose and then wiping the booger off under his chair, or big lady with the sparkly white sandals, three rows down, pinching her husband's thigh and raising her eyebrows. Then I look around at the people with me and say "Did you SEE that?" and they look at me like I just landed in from another galaxy.

And, if that's not enough, then being able to tune into other conversations is another curse on my otherwise clean and spotless soul. I swear to you right here and now, I do not eavesdrop. I really don't have the time, and I also think what goes on in my head is more interesting than what a lot of people around me have to say. There I go, pissing people off again... one of these days, I'll get the nastygram and probably deserve it.

So, sitting in one of my favorite coffee houses today, with my husband as we waited for the kids to get off dance class, and who should come and sit down right next to us, but those wonderful, misunderstood and very frickin excited.... Teenagers!! Now, don't get me wrong, I love teenagers, and am a great defender of all things youthful, well maybe not the way some of them dress these days, but otherwise yes, I love teenagers, having being one myself many moons ago. But, when I'm enjoying a nice quiet cup of coffee with my husband and chatting about how I want to remodel the kids room, I do not want my curses to rise to the surface and start observing teenagers. ***Sigh*** But, they did, and I did, so here's what my curse brought to my attention.

Girl 1: I'm like so happy you guys could make it
Girl 2: So, so, so, like did he call?
Girl 1: Yeah he did, and Omigod, I was like SO excited!
Girl 3: Sooooo, like what did he... like SAY???
Girl 1: You will like not believe this, but he was like So I just called to wish you a happy birthday, and I was like Omigod, I can't believe you remembered and he was like Yeah, so what are you doing today? and I was like Oh nothing much, just like dinner with the fam and he was like OK then have a great birthday! Omigod! Omigod! Can you like belieeeeeeeeve it?
Girl 2: Omigod!!! Whaaat? He rememmmmmbered? Omigod!!
Girl 3: He's like SOOOO hot!
Girl 1 & 2: I KNOW!!!

No, they couldn't get us another table, no I couldn't tune out, no, I won't be going back there next year on July 8th, and no I did not appreciate my husband laughing at my rant later, because HE teaches this age group in school and is like used to like how they like speak like every like single like day!!

Informal Debate Rules - Thou Shalt and Thou Shalt Not

Most of my family or friends will tell you that I love to debate. They'll also tell you it's just another word for 'argue' and they're right. I can argue about anything, with anyone, at anytime, any day. My husband knowing this, married me anyway, and now probably lives to regret it. My four year old children, or at least my daughter is definitely biding her time watching, learning and preparing to kick my ass when I least expect it. I expect it every second of every day... I'm way ahead of her, and much taller.

What most people fail to understand, is that it's not a love for the actual argument, or beating someone when they're trying to make a point or **gasp** winning. It's just something people like me, do. And, we're not bad people, or bullies or whatever the hell you want to call us. We just like to make our point too, and most times we're so hell bent on making that point, we really do come across as bitches or bastards. Which is a load of crap. We love people, for the most part. I know I do, and I love to learn from them too.. Just because I'm talking hard and fast, does not mean I'm not listening. People tend to forget that when debating with the 'love to argue' types.

But, there are rules! Our rules, and we follow them, and just wish others would too. Granted they may not be formal rules listed on some international debate website, but they exist (or should) in any informal debate setting. So I'm going to type them out now, and probably piss off a lot of people in my life.

The Rules

1. Know What You're Debating
For there is nothing more annoying, than a person who likes to argue about something, he has little or no clue about. These are not the 'argue about everything' types... these ones usually have one pet subject they are ignorant about, and they love to show the world just how frickin ignorant they are about it... every chance they get.

2. Try to Understand
Make the attempt, really, it won't kill you. Time and again I see people not bothering to even attempt understanding what the other person is saying. Maybe they're just busy listening and agreeing with the voice (voices?) in their own head, so they can't hear, leave alone listen to anything else.

3. Be Yourself
If you do not have a personality, find one online or something, then adopt it.. and STICK with it. But to do not pull the whole I-have-a-multiple-personality-disorderish-type-of-personality. Which means you're nice one minute, and go completely off the deep end the next. It's confusing, and I for one never know if I should keep talking, or offer to run to the nearest pharmacy and buy you your meds.

4. Don't Be a Whiny Ass Baby
I'm going to play the whiny ass baby here for a second to really get the point across. I bring up a topic, and people get talking. Someone makes a point, and I begin an argument. They make another valid point, and all I can say in return is 'You're bullying me, wah wah wah, you're being so mean wah wah wah, and rude wah wah wah, and a bitch wah wah, wah, and I wish you wouldn't. You're so angry wah wah wah and I don't like anger because I've had a really hard day wah wah wah, I'm just trying to be nice and understanding of you and your point, but you won't let it go wah wah wah.

If I downed a drink for everytime I've encountered one of these piss poor excuses of "debators", I would be an alcoholic.

5. Keep it Simple.
Be short and to the point please and save the lengthy stuff for your blogs or journals like so many of us do. I like to debate, not lose my hearing to monotone crap, or make my retinas bleed a slow death. I just came across a couple of such "debate" posts on Facebook, and I swear to all that is holy, my eyes screamed in terror and I felt like they were gasping for air. It was terrible... sentence after sentence of type which would cure me of my insomnia if my eyes did not protest.

Thanks for stopping by... Have a great weekend!!

20 Confessions This Week

Too little time to post a whole long and drawn out post this week. Sad really, but I blame the heat which makes me lag behind on every major and minor chore around the house, outside the house, on top of the house... whatever.

01. I signed the kids up for dance class, and now wish I had checked the timings first.

02. Afternoon drives in what the weather bureau claims to be 35 degrees C is unbearable,
even with the air conditioning on full blast.

03. Weather forecasts for this city are always inaccurate.

04. I hate pollution more than everyone else.

05. Dance class does not drain kids of energy, an hour of it is like six tablespoons of sugar
washed down with Coke.

06. My husband cooked dinner today.

07. Because I pretended I was going to, and then let him insist he would.

08. I'm a good wife otherwise.

09. Made a plan to meet a fellow twin mom for breakfast, and kept my fingers crossed she
would be normal, and not one of those moms I love to hate.

10. She was better than normal, she was awesome.

11. My children have taken to wearing nothing when they're home.

12. I can't thank them enough.

13. My washing machine can't thank me enough.

14. It's 10:00pm and I haven't eaten dinner yet.

15. The husband can cook, and cook well... it's just taking a while today.

16. I'm a little hungry but won't ask how long before dinner's ready.

17. Because I'm a good wife like that.

18. My OCD kicked in big time today, and I cleaned like a mad woman.

19. I also decided my dining room needs a makeover, as in paint, new table, some this and
that.

20. Mentioned it to my husband... He pretended he didn't hear me.