Top Ten Most Annoying Facebook Friends

Ah yes, my special, special post for the Top Ten most Annoying Facebook "Friends" a person could have. This particular brand of annoying types who utilize the social network to spread their crapability, amongst their fellow users. Bottom line, they're laughed at, and not just in those "OMG she is SO friggin annoying" private messages being exchanged between close friends. When friends get together for a few drinks, or chat on the phone, they laugh at them. It's a fact. I know I laugh at them because they're funny as hell, and cannot control how glaringly their personalities (or lack of) shine through online.

Not that I have anything against Facebook, I sort of love it, and how it keeps me connected to my friends, non-friends, family, blah blah blah. It's a great time killer too, and more and more I'm putting it to better use than the usual You're looking great picture comments or finding that I truly "Like" people's xyz bought new shoes today status updates, or that the bird they most identify with is the American Bald Eagle, or better yet, will most likely have six hundred sex partners in their lifetime, even though they're 50 years old and have been in a monogamous marriage for 25 plus years. Incredibly mind numbing this book of faces can be.

So, on to my Top Ten Most Annoying Facebook Friends. Some of these types were generously suggested by a number of my good friends on Facebook, and other networks. I'm very grateful for their contributions, and promise that none of them fit into any of the categories mentioned... Ahem, and I hope it stays that way.

10. The Old Friend You Don't (Want to) Remember
Sends you a friend request, with a message attached which attempts to jog your memory of how close you two were at age 14. Mostly references some embarrassing situation you desperately choose not to remember, ever. But you're a nice person, so you grudgingly add her on, after which your life becomes a living hell, because she apparently remembers every pathetic thing you did in your teens, every guy you had a crush on, every hideous outfit you ever wore, and proceeds to post about it on your wall, along with pictures.

9. The Super Hyper Facebooker
These types leave me breathless! If Facebook has an application, group, quiz or fan page which will clog your newsfeed with updates, this friend will have added it to his profile. You log on to Facebook and all you see is Hyperoo is a fan of socks, Hyperoo joined the group Revenge of the Nerds, Hyperoo scored 75,000 points donating trees to friends, Hyperoo's secret aimbition is to be Snow White, Hyperoo joined the group "I Hate Gays" Hyperoo is a fan of "Gays Have a Right to Marry"... And on and on and frickin on. You spend most of your Facebook time clicking the "hide" button above all his updates, but it never ends.

8. The Weird Ass Song Status Friend
This one is a classic! She only posts random song titles or crap ass lyrics as her status updates, leaving most of her friends bewildered or rolling their eyes. These people usually have crappy taste in music, and no life.

7. The Everyone's Friend, Friend
It's a popularity contest and it must be won. This oddity spends several hours a day browsing through his friends' friend lists, and sends out as many requests as he can. He doesn't know you and he doesn't care.. He just needs to win the imaginary "Person With the Most Friends on Facebook" award.

6. The Stalker
This one is most likely your ex-sister-in-law, or an ex boyfriend/girlfriend, who adds you to their friend list and never keeps in touch. But they drop by your profile to browse through your photo albums (and probably save your pictures to their hard drive), keep themselves updated on who you add to your list, and keep refreshing your profile page every half hour to check for status updates. You of course can't prove they do any of this, but you know it's true.

5. The Poker/Hugger/Lover
I feel sorry for this one, and for those who have this one on their lists. If you click your 'Other Requests' button, you're screwed. Several hundred virtual hugs, virtual cocktails, virtual kisses, virtual sunflowers, virtual Happy Monday greetings, and bumper stickers await you... every-single-day. Annoying as hell, specially when you get cross eyed with boredom clicking the 'Ignore Request' button repeatedly.

4. The What is Facebook? User
If they can't tell you four functions of a cell phone, they should not be allowed to use the internet. The end.

3. The Under 18s
Someone show these kids something beyond the digital world. Please! No, I do not want to be their friend and babysit them online, no, I do not want to look at their endless gang 'V" sign pose mobile uploads, and no I do not want to read schweet-songbird is I hate boys updates every few minutes. And for the idiots over 18 who do this... Grow the hell up!

2. The Daily Profile Picture Changer
Need I say more?

And the winner is....

1. The I Party for Facebook User
My absolute favorite annoying type. It's all about status updates... and they're your typical Look-at-me-and-what-a-fabulous-life-I-have kind. Every day it's Party-animal is going to party tonight woohoo, Party-animal has TWO dinner parties to attend tonight.. AND an after dinner thing TOO, Party-animal is partying it up wid sum cool people she doesn't know from Adam YeeeHaww! Party-animal is having breakfast and planning her I-just-finished-my-period-party, Party-animal is exhausted from the fifty six parties she attended this month. And if that's not enough to burn your brain cells, you get to see pictures of Party-animal in drunk poses, with other fugly party animals, all dressed in 'fuck me' sandals, and midriff rolls of flab revealing tank tops, mascara streaked across sweat covered cheeks and wide, lipstick stained toothy grins galore. One sentence describes this kind best... No social life in high school and college.

If you have an annoying Facebook friend type I haven't mentioned, leave me a comment and tell me about them.

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M is for 'Mom', Not 'Maid'

Ms. Nosey: Hello
Bad Ass Mom: Hi
MN: I'm Ms. Nosey
BAM: I'm Bad Ass Mom
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MN: So, do you work?
BAM: I'm home with the kids
MN: That's great
BAM: (Silently): 10, 9, 8, 7
MN: Do you have a maid?
BAM: No
MN: No?
BAM: No
MN: Why NOT?
BAM: Don't need one
MN: But then **gasp** who does all your housework?
BAM: I do it myself
MN: Yourself?
BAM: Myself
MN: And you also look after the kids?
BAM: Yeah
MN: Who helps you?
BAM: No one really... I have to go now.
MN: So when do you plan to get a real job?
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BAM: When bitches like you are thrown out of the workplace and given your rightful place in padded cells, with hourly electric shock treatments.
MN: What?
BAM: Never mind.. Where do you work?
MN: I don't work!
BAM: You don't?
MN: No, I don't
BAM: You stay home with your kids?
MN: Yes!
BAM: And you have a maid?
MN: I have two, one to clean and cook, and one for the children.

BAM rolls her eyes, all the way home.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Blog No Evil

For the last few weeks, running around in my head, and stopping briefly to gnaw at my brain, has been a tiny little question. Are the Queen B and her clan deserving of a place on my blog?

Who are they? You might ask. Well, all I will say at this point is that around five years ago, I solemnly swore to love, honor and respect a member of their family for the rest of my life. After which the clans seriously parted and traveled long distances in their minds, to each reach their emotional comfort zones of estrangement. It's their most comfortable form of living, so don't judge them (honestly, don't do it, because I've done everyone's share of judging in the last five years).

For years now I've successfully managed to honor the clan's unspoken rule of must-keep-distance-at-all-costs. They however take it one step further with Must-also-stick-our-collective-noses-as-far-up-the-distant-clan's-business-as-we-possibly-can. I love that it gives me so much writing material, all of which so far has stayed firmly in the far recesses of my mind. I would attempt to put it all in a book, but I'm afraid it would become an international bestseller, make me into a billionaire like J.K. Rowling (maybe bigger and better, because my book would be reality which seems like fantasy), and probably cause many daughters-in-law to commit murder, and wipe out the crap ass MIL population of this world, leaving behind only the nice MILs who would insist everyone in the family call their DILs "Your Majesty"

If you're wondering when I'm going to get to the point, I'm not. There is no point, and with the outlaws, I don't think there ever could be one. Just mindless babble about mindless stuff in a halfway decent babbly way. One day (soon) I'll just go bat shit crazy and tell you what I really think of them... specially the Queen B.

Must You Match?

Curiouser and curiouser I get about married couples who like to wear matching clothes. It also grates on my last nerve when I see them dressed up all spiffy and nice in color coordinated ensembles. There's a particular couple I have in mind, or rather can't get out of my mind because of the incessant pictures I come across of them both wearing matching outfits. OMFG, they would be hilarious if they weren't so pathetic. She wears a yellow dress, he wears a yellow tie.... if her shoes have polka dots, so will his shirt. WTF? And they are not in their seventies, now that would probably be cute, what with their white hair and soft folded skin. But people in their thirties? Come on! It's just plain weird, not to mention loserish.

Who in the world would want to match with their husband, or wife for an event which is not their own wedding? Who? The last time I dressed up in my signature I-can't-think-of-anything-else-to- wear-and-can't-be-bothered-to-go-through-my-entire-closet black cropped pants and a sleeveless top, and saw my husband also dressed all in black, I almost insisted he change his clothes.. But didn't because we were already late. I honestly felt like a freak for the rest of the evening, and maybe spent time with him in two minute intervals. OK I'm exaggerating, I spent almost all my time with him like the dutiful wife I am. But really... It's not like I planned our outfits weeks in advance or spent hours sorting through ties which matched my pumps. Who the fuck does that? Attention whores, that's who. By the way, you tarty dressed to the nines moms still gasping in shock that I don't plan my outfits weeks in advance, shut the hell up, some of us don't have nannies or hands on grandparents available to babysit, while we spend days in clothing stores.

So, back to matching couples, in their thirties. They really need to only do this crap at Halloween or fun dress up parties, or maybe Christmas pictures. And REALLY not drag their kids into their whole kinky shit with the whole bridal party look. It's insanity! Look at us, we're a family of individuals, just call us the Von Trapps. Blech!