Drama, Teenagers and Agatha Frickin Christie!

Not much else besides that seems to be filling up, what just happens to be our 7th wedding anniversary weekend celebration. The conversation a few days ago went something like this...

J: My school kids are doing a play, I need to supervise

Seriously! You're a MATH teacher.


And, later...

J: Can you come help out a little?

Dude, I'm a working mom (redundant term isn't it?), and you're SO in need of a second wife. (Totally legal in our country btw).

And, so I envisioned my weekend going to hell, because that's what you expect when you think you're going to be surrounded by a bunch of teenage wannabe superstars, with chips on their shoulders, and acne where blush would otherwise look good.

Not a hint of wannabeism, the chips were barely visible, and the lack of acne made me wonder how much sex they were having, or whether they just all have great parents, who insist on a year round healthy diet of fruit and veggies. 

At first glance, they seemed disorganized, loud and erratic. Their supervisor (the Huz) did not seem to be helping matters. I will never understand how he can be yelling at a kid one second, and laughing hysterically with them the next. I wanted to run from the madness , which consisted of much messing up of lines, literal dragging of feet, and no one seeming to have a fucking clue what the word 'places' means in an on-stage production. 

I met and dealt with 'The beauty,' 'The beast,' 'The class clown,' 'The stud,' 'The bookish mouse,' 'The genius.' and everyone in between. Gay clothing, hairspray,  girls boldly stating they did not feel ashamed to change in front of me, then promptly stripping,  boys not very careful either, hair straightening irons, female bickering over hair and make-up (OMG the bickering!!!) I was in a Pakistani, missionary, High School Musical hell.

Thankfully it wasn't Vanessa Hudgens' voice belting out from the speakers, or I would have killed them all.

I had the best time.

These kids... Umm, young men and women....

I was struck by their niceness, amazed at how hard they worked, and loved how much they cared about their play. This is the stuff young people are made of, and the older more cynical amongst us, would do well to remember that.


You know who you are, asshats! Stop criticizing the kids.

They put on a show, which rocked the house. A hilarious Agatha Christie play happened. Their talent was impressive, their humor typically teen, their passion? Outstanding. 

And, they did it all on their own.

Little to no help, just given a task, and expected to do a great job, sometimes with needless interference. And, support? Umm WTF is that when it's just a bunch of teens right? 


OK, so back to what I planned would be a review of the production (much as I'd love to rant endlessly about asshole people I spotted adults). 

And, don't even get me started on the 'Christian' presence I observed there. Seriously people! You have so begged me to (yet again) rant about you. Another blog post though.

 

 

 

On second thought... screw the review. I recommend you go see it. If you can't, then go see something undertaken by teens from start to finish. You might be surprised by how professional kids can be.

A Class Above

So children, the topic today is classism and the elitist mindset. I don't even know where to begin, because there is an endless field of crap I'd have to wade through to find out where it all began in the first place. So, in my typical style of not really giving a rat's ass about history, and why this is this, and that is that, I'll just jump right into the middle of it all and point out the bullshit I see around me.

Right now, we're living in a nation which is rapidly approaching hell's fire. People are dying, thousands are suffering the after effects of the floods, the fanatics are getting more fanatical, target killings are an everyday occurrence, people are scared, people are resigned, people are leaving the country, and some people are tweeting about Meher Bokhari being a fundi bitch, and Veena Malik is telling all the mullahs to back the fuck off.

But, it's important for some to remind themselves, and others of who they are, and what they come from. How they sit far above the rest, and either tut tut at those they see as beneath them, or do what they can to exploit, abuse, and ridicule them.

An otherwise pretty entertaining blogger, was the straw, that broke this camel's back. Why? Because, he's privileged enough to have attended the best fucking school in the whole nation.

BEST! 

The one where everyone retains their place if they have "perseverance, excellence, and a dash of style." according to the blogger.

Notice no mention of daddy's bank balance, and feudal background.

Or mommy's social standing in some big shit, fuck-the-people-this-is-about-luncheons charity organization, where they spend more money on organizing their annual dinner/dance, than they do helping the poor in a decade.

So, in essence having the one school in Pakistan, where it is imperative to be the best academically just so you can retain your seat, is actually a good thing.

How?

How is it good? Wouldn't it be better if it was one of the best? (Calm down Patricians, this is not about you... not in this post anyway) And, there were many more like it? Maybe in every district? You know just so that ALL the kids in this country had the chance to strive?  Or maybe even had a chance at education without it having to be a money making business? Hey, how about every school retaining good academic standards?

Or, are poor kids living in slums, going to public schools, going to low fee private schools, going to crap ass schools, all a bunch of idiots?

Maybe they're just not worthy.

Because, if some kid off the street was given admission in KGS, how would his parents afford the fees? How would they pay for his college tuition in North America? OMG would they send their child to school on a public bus? Or worse, on foot?

Never! Privileged kids should never see that kind of stuff. It may make them aware of *gasp* poverty!

Or the middle class.

Academic standards, my ass!

They take in the best, from the richest (or those who do a good job of pretending to be rich) and retain their "high standards." It's common knowledge, and it's disgraceful to see it being lauded over everyone else, by some very naive people, who prefer to live in denial.

This is not about whether KGS is the best school or not, because it's a great school. 

But, seriously former students of KGS (some of you) and other elitists schools. Get off your steeds. If you were fortunate enough to get the education you got, do something more than just lauding it over others.

Like I said to the blogger in his comments section. One need not elevate themselves/put others down to take pride in what they come from.

These are the kind of people, who continue to help this nation remain in the sorry state it is in. I can't say that enough. Because, hey enjoy their comforts, and status too much. They have to be the best, have the best, and keep the best for themselves. And, the only way they can do that, is if they keep everyone else down. Whether they realize they're doing so, or not.

But, it's nothing to be proud of.

P.S. Home of the Snapping Turtle (link in my blog roll) is an otherwise pretty entertaining blog. Just because I disagree with the blogger today, is no reason why I shouldn't promote the little brat.

Cinderella is a Bitch... Poor Cinders!

So, again... Hyper moms worried about the little phases their kids go through, in the corporate world's attempt to take over our childrens lives, and ruin them completely.

Completely!!

But, it's really our daughters we should worry about, well because you know... Some feminists say so. Beware of the pink, the fluffy, the glitter... The goddamn Disney princesses!! They will eat your daughters, as Peggy Orenstein so dramatically tells us.

Cinderella is a bitch!

Protect your daughters people, because girls need to be protected right? They're weak, easily influenced, not like boys who are tougher and never want to grow up to be princes, or knights in shining armor. Not since that little fucker Lightening McQueen zoomed onto a screen, and forever changed the way little boys view their body parts anyway.

My daughter likes pink, and purple. She also like princess dresses.

And, dirt.

But, according to Peggy, it's only possible for girls to play in dirt wearing princess dresses.  

“Just because little girls wear the tulle does not mean they’ve drunk the Kool-Aid. Plenty of them shoot baskets in ball gowns or cast themselves as the powerful evil stepsister bossing around the sniveling Cinderella.”   

Umm ball gowns? 

This is how she views females?

I have nothing more to say about that, because the purpose of this post was to list the evil commercial world's plot to take over my son's brain, and turn him into a cartoon character. I've witnessed so many phases in my son's life of six years, I'm actually terrified he'll become "confused" when he grows up... Because...

1. Diego Ate my Son
2. Lightening McQueen Ate my Son
3. Spiderman Ate my Son
4. Batman Ate my Son
5. Multiple Personality Disorder, aka Ben10 Ate my Son

Hell, at least my daughter will look pretty in her ball gowns. My son on the other hand, will grow up to look like this if he had his way.

What is the color pink compared to that?

Any feminists care to create a stink about that?

And, can we PLEASE let kids be kids... When they're kids?

Thank you!

Mad, Mad World

A few days into the new year, and Pakistan was shaken with yet another mindless incident, where a governor was gunned down by his own security guard for being "guilty" of standing up for minorities. 26 bullets were pumped into the governor by his assassin, who then grinning from ear to ear turned himself over to the police.

And, then all hell broke loose.

Clerics rejoiced, the masses danced, while moderates wept... And, the liberals tried to stop opening and closing their mouths like goldfish, suddenly jerked out of a crystal bowl, on a Queen Anne table.

The Christians crossed themselves several times, and gave masses.

Twitter was all abuzz, and so was Facebook... With fanatical MBAs defending the security guard, and lauding him as a hero. Old people tweeted about their sadness, and were ignored, moderates indulged in embarrassing displays of damage control, and some liberals recovered fast enough to hammer out tweets of disgust with a vengeance which was startling. There was much gnashing of teeth, and use of the word "Jaahil." 

The Indians had the time of their lives throwing fuel on an already blazing fire, Americans ignored the danger of fundamentalists in their own country, and slammed Islam, I don't know who told the people of France , that tweeting to the Pakistani public in French would be a good idea, but it happened, and got even more confusing. Then, not to be outdone, the atheists grabbed the opportunity to repeatedly declare religion a menace.

The world had gone insane.

Several days later, the madness still blazed on, as thousands took to the streets to protest an amendment to the nation's blasphemy laws. Of course, the PM is still bouncing around on TV, trying in vain to assure the rightists that no laws will be amended. Moderates are calling for peace through dialogue, and much quoting of scripture, and liberals are determined to be heard via blogs, Facebook status updates, and tweets hash tagging Pakistan, in what seems to be a contest to keep our country on Twitter's Top 10 Trends. They have suggested everything from banning Madrassas, to designating an island for maulanas and their minions, somewhere in the East Indies. After decades of standing by, watching their country being raped, simply because it benefited most of their capitalist mindsets, they have found their voice.

Bravo Liberals!

Safe to say that most liberals in the country belong to the upper classes?

Who have neglected to take responsibility for the state of this nation for too long. And, here is their payback, biting them hard in the ass. Poverty is a nasty word, and it belongs to the masses here in Pakistan. No one else wanted it, and everyone distanced themselves from it. Except the fanatical clerics, who knew a good thing when they saw it. Christians have done it for 2000 years, and who doesn't borrow from the Christians right?

So they (the clerics) opened their religious schools, fed poor children, probably housed their families, while the upper classes turned a blind eye and went shopping. Are they really surprised as to whom the masses have pledged their allegiance to? Are they really that stupid, as to NOW be blaming fanatical clerics, when they've been a thorn in our side for decades? Do they really have the right to call this nation "Jaahil" when they've done little or nothing to change things for the better? 

Did they pay taxes?

Did they fight for education reform?

Did they fight for childrens rights?

Employees rights?

Human rights?

What are they ranting about? 

We are as much responsible for the state of this country, as the fanatics are.

All of us.

Condemning the Poor - A Sense of Privilege

Over the course of the last week, two incidents occurred on Facebook. Simple status updates, and sharing of links relating to the poor, and working class of this nation, led to comments by some people, which nearly drove me up the wall. According to some (who incidentally belong to the upper class society) 90% of our nation's people are lazy, blood sucking, stab-you-in-the-back individuals, looking for a free meal, and a free life."

These comments were directed at the class of people who for the most part:

1. Work for below minimum wage

2. Are laborers, maids, sweepers, factory workers, cooks, drivers, tailors etc.

3. Are uneducated

4. Are dirt poor

5. Receive little or no benefits from their employers

6. Cannot afford healthcare

7. Cannot afford to educate their children

8. Often cannot afford to feed their children

9. Have almost no rights in the workplace

10. Are treated as inferior beings

Because, they are prisoners of birth.

So, let me tell you how much some of the other 10% contribute to this country.

1. They own their own businesses

2. They employ laborers, maids, sweepers, factory workers, cooks, drivers, tailors etc.

3. They are educated

4. They are rich

5. They will never be poor, as long as they have the poor working for them

6. They can afford healthcare, and anything else they desire

7. Can afford to send their kids to private schools, where most remain average or below average students

8. Can afford to let their kids waste an entire McDonald's meal after eating one french fry.... Daily.

9. Have every right anywhere they go, because they abide by no law except their own

10. Demand respect and often to be treated as royalty

But, let's not leave it at just 10...

11. They don't care that their private businesses do not follow labor laws, and that their staff is paid below minimum wage.

12. Their maids, cooks and drivers can usually be found working 14-15 straight days with a day off after said days are complete. These same maids and drivers, are on call 24/7 and often go without a day off for months at a time, because things would fall apart if they left.

13. They are incapable of opening a car door themselves, but think nothing of their 7 year old servant boy mopping their 14 room houses.

14. They consider a cheap cotton jora gift to their staff, and or 200 rupees for Eid as "taking care of them as if they were our own family."

15 They're not opposed to loaning their staff money, for their medical needs, but will deduct it from their pittance of a salary "to teach them some responsibility."

16. After they do that, they'll spend the day shopping for that perfect outfit which costs 20,000 rupees.

17. They will lie if they have to, to protect their businesses, and gain credibility.

19. They expect and demand a life time of gratitude for their "generosity" in granting the poor employment.

20. And, they will constantly moan about how those same people are so lazy, and always ready to stab them in the back.

It is difficult to not be outraged.

It is difficult to not want to bitch slap them from here to hell.

It is very difficult to fight them while exercising respect and calm.

I admire the people who do it. They have the patience of saints. 

Friendship, Social Barriers, & All That Crap!

In the last few weeks, I've had some interesting conversations with various people, regarding friendship. Not one to give it too much thought, since I've always applied the theory "either someone is your friend, or they're not" when it comes to all the friendships I've ever had or continue to have. Now, I can't help but ponder about it, as my kids have both reached the age where they've begun to choose their own friends, without my encouragement.  I've always chosen my friends wisely, or rather chosen them with what I consider some wisdom after a few nasty experiences in my youth. 

Some people can be strange about friendship, and the views I received recently left me a bit disconcerted. Class, standard, religion and money seem so important. I watched my husband get ignored and treated like less than nothing in the company of "friends" I was reunited with after five or six years. A lot of them probably deemed him unworthy of their time, and respect because.... He's a teacher by profession? And, chooses to work and support his family, instead of jumping from one business venture to the next with lightning speed, and no purpose? Yet, they fawned over me, like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. 

I don't take offense to that, because people are what they are. But, there will be no more reunions.

And, I can't stand "in your face" friends. With their constant need for interaction, get-togethers, fun, fun, and more fun. It simply bores me. I was once firmly fixed into those types of friendships, and I found them shallow. Then, there are the one sided friendships, I for some reason have mainly had with women... I look back on those with quite a bit of disgust, because my goodness, did they waste a ton of my time, incessantly talking about themselves, their problems (of which they had plenty each day), and never giving the slightest heed to the advice they begged me for. I was honored with a few seconds of their interest in me, and my life, before being completely dismissed as unimportant. It amused me, and built in me an aversion to women who never seem to have a grip on their lives. 

Last night, I found I have much in common regarding friendship with someone, who from our first meeting over a year ago, I clicked with almost effortlessly. It didn't matter that we met up after months of planning to meet up, even though the distance between our homes is probably not more than 11/2 mile. It didn't matter that her two kids were running in circles around us, while we enjoyed a long awaited Margarita night, husbands and all, because it wouldn't occur to us to exclude them, and opt for "Coffee at Espresso" instead. 

I stopped after only two (but pretty strong) ritas, because I felt a happy buzz I haven't felt in years. The buzz which comes when you are your most relaxed self. I ate like a pig, and I eat like a bird in public otherwise. 

A few hours before that, I sat on the floor of the home of a person, who doesn't own a couch, or any other furniture besides two metal cupboards. They served us food which they could ill afford... I couldn't stand to see the gratitude in their eyes, that we felt they were worthy of a visit from us. I don't see why my children shouldn't visit and play with their kids out in the compound, with sticks and an old rubber ball. 

They're not ready for me to withhold encouragement, and my opinion on their choice of friends, which at present is nothing more than what is acceptable in the little society they're a part of in school. 

They will not be encouraged to only have "Christian friends" because "that's what they come from." It was how I watched people raise their kids in the small community I belonged to. I found it ridiculous from the start, and hypocritical that they still boasted about having friends "from all walks of life" while never having the slightest bit of respect for them on the inside.

I don't refer to my Muslim friends as "Mozzies." Neither do I "keep them at a distance." Diwali is not celebrated by "a bunch of people who are crazy enough to worship thousands of gods." Neither are Parsis' "weird about their burials." Or, Urdu speaking Christians "not acceptable to attend Christmas midnight mass with us English speaking folk."

Yes, fuck the barriers, is what I intend to teach my kids. 

Quote, Unquote!

Part of the conversations I've had with people I've then wanted to bitchslap!

"Let's say I donate towards some flood relief organization, I will have no clue as to whether my donation is actually being used, or lining someone's pockets. So, I'm donating nothing."

"I'm confirming my order, and will send my driver to pick it up. I will send the payment in an envelop, but please don't count the money in front of him, as it's more than triple his monthly salary, and I don't want him to think I can afford to pay him more than I already am. Or that I'm being wasteful while most of the country is suffering."

"You're right, this flood business is such a tragedy, we really should do more... But, I'm so tied up with Eid, and then after that I have a few shaadis in the family. Tsk, I really don't know how I'll find the time to do anything else." 

"My heart is broken watching the news, I feel so bad for those poor people, so this year we did not celebrate Eid like we usually do. I only made six joras, and sent just two each to my sisters in law, in America."

"I donated some of my children's old clothes to the church, what else can I do? Donate money? Not to those crooks!"

"What will happen is, the flood victims will pour into Karachi, and end up begging on the streets, and who's money will they receive on the streets? Ours! So what's the point in donating?"

"We just returned from Dubai where we spent Eid, so we're a little low on cash, I'll probably donate something next month, since I have both my kids' birthday parties to host in September, and you know how much those cost!"

You can't make this shit up folks!

Accountability

In Pakistan, one need not wait too long to hear some update or the other, regarding the massive humanitarian crisis which has gripped our nation, and practically sunk it. It's all over the local print media, on the news channels, blogs, and other popular social networks. Almost every street corner has a stall or two where one can make a donation, drop off supplies and/or offer to help. Have we taken a stand and offered help to our fellow citizens? Yes, countless have, and in whichever way they can.

The devastation is pitiful, the suffering - unimaginable. Some have done a remarkable job of voicing the true extent of our people's need. Others, have given up family, work and their regular activities to spend time there, attempting to help, while feeling lost and helpless at the same time. They send in regular updates, and leave the rest of us feeling numb, and unable to grasp even a fraction of what they're looking at. 

I cannot get those tragic pictures out of my mind, I cannot stop thinking about children just like mine dying out there, of women giving birth in filthy conditions, and no one to attend to their needs. I've watched people galvanized into action, pulling in donations, sending out truckloads of supplies, coming together, swearing at the government, raging at the international community for not doing enough, embarrassing people into giving more, and with the best of intentions, putting their hard earned money into the hands of corrupt folk, in order to do their part. 

Not to be outdone, the RCC in Pakistan has taken up it's own "Relief Efforts" after encouragement from the Pope himself. I don't know how the entire archdiocese is handling this situation, but the church closest to me, finally spread the word enough for us to hear about it. And, as much as I tell myself they can't do much more to shock me, I'm wrong every.single.time.

There are countless relief efforts taking place in Karachi, from large to small organizations doing their bit. NGOs and the bigger outfits like Edhi leading a large portion of relief work. And, every single one of the smaller trusts which I've come across have special bank accounts set up for incoming funds for flood relief vicitims. But, not the RCC just down my street. If you wish to donate towards their flood relief campaign, then you must deposit the money into the church account.

So, let's talk accountability.

Charitable efforts are never questioned in the RCC of Pakistan... I mean, they're questioned, but never beyond living rooms, and dinner parties. And, we all know how massive your regular official church account would be. Daily offerings, Sunday offerings, monthly tithing, occasional donations, and/or possible misc incoming funds.

And, now donations for flood victims.

With nothing to show for it later (not that anyone would dare ask), except what I feel would be some random figure amounting to hundreds of thousands flung at the media, with the complimentary caption of "The Catholic church in Pakistan assists it's brothers and sisters in their time of need."

We're pathetic if we cannot stand up, and demand a more streamlined and transparent form of charity work, and very specially for this present crisis, where every penny counts. We don't care enough if we're just happy to go dump a couple of bundles of old clothes at the nearest church compound. We're deliberately blinding ourselves if we don't insist on holding them accountable for what we work hard to earn and give. And, we're a sorry lot if we remain silent because we fear ridicule from the community/church leaders.. Specially, when we're doing it at the expense of millions who need us to be stronger.

On a side note... It's time for the Catholic youth to place less focus on their smart phones, and get more involved. Are they out there lending a hand? Or is it still the same small, handpicked group of the religious elite running around looking important? Where are the mini-melas? The fundraising "Talent Show" events? The food fairs? Aside from one tiny Pakistan Day event, I've heard nothing about fundraising from the community youth. I'd love to be proved wrong, and I hope I am.

Never Turn 30 - In Just 7 Days!

Recently, my Facebook notifications page has been flooded with requests from friends, asking me to join the new Ponds, Never Turn 30 fan page. Out of complete curiosity, and not once thinking that maybe Ponds invented a new face cream which can turn back the clock for the past 30 crowd, I clicked on the link. Over 20,000 fans, (and I'm betting so many of them are over 30, including most of my friends who sent me the request to join in the first place.) What's wrong with this picture?

Absolutely nothing! Because, in this good old land of the pure, we expect (see: demand) that 1) Our women look eternally youthful. 2) Maintain a "fair" complexion. And, most recently 3) Never turn 30.

I can't say this any other way, but how it always sounds in my head... Are you fucking kidding me? From the whole wide world of advertising slogans to create for their anti-ageing skin cream (which btw they promise works in just 7 days), they go with "Never Turn 30." So, dear Ponds, WTF?

With Fair & Lovely continuing to do a booming business in Pakistan, brides to be going bat shit crazy trying to lighten their skin for their new husbands (and, mother hen-laws), the Sunday Dawn newspaper's "Matrimonial" section requesting "pretty", "fair", or "light complexion" girls for their "Smart, handsome, tall, U.S. Green Card holder" sons (another rant, another blog post) and numerous concoctions of "fairness" inducing creams, either homemade or available at salons across the country, there is my friends something very, very wrong with our society. 

And, much as I love him, Shahrukh Khan is an ass for promoting "Fair and Handsome" for men.

I want a fair daughter-in-law.

Her kids are so cute because she married a gora.

The younger sister is so much prettier (because her skin is several shades lighter than the other one).

Did you go to the beach? OMG you've become so black.

What does he see in her? She's so dark!

Common phrases heard around town.

And, while we're at it, let's not turn 30. I mean, I can't do that since I'm over 30 anyway, but if I were a 20 something, I'd want to not turn 30 so bad, I'd apply the new  Ponds anti-ageing face cream, dress my wrists in crystal bracelets, and dance naked around burning mint leaves, for seven straight days, praying to the gods to strike me dead when I hit 29.

We are a fickle bunch of women if this is the kind of BS we depend on to define ourselves. We are setting a horrible example for our daughters, if we insist that youthful skin is paramount to our success, be it in securing a job or a husband (I almost vomited while typing that, because I'm allergic to the "securing husband" business as well). 

The feminist in me is spitting tacks over this 30 = Over the hill nonsense, and so is the spa loving, high heel shoes adoring, herbal facials (for purely relaxation purposes) obsessed woman in me.

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.  ~Author Unknown

Taking Time Out to Tag!

Over the last month I've drafted all of three blog posts, and published none. Well, don't I sound all writerish when I use that word? Published. Perhaps, one day... When I scan through all those old journals, and actually make some sense of all my ramblings, when I was at my rebellious best. 

So, no posts for about a month, because while I'm not lacking in rants topics to post, I just did not have the energy. But, today I see I have no choice but to post something, because I was trapped into it by my good friend Mr. Millions of Atoms, who posted some questions on his blog, and then tagged me. 

If he were standing right in front of me, I'd swat him with a rolled up newspaper.

Entrapment!

If he didn't provide me with those awesome belly laughs, I'd kick his ass. (I mean it, seriously, the guy is hilarious... Check out his blog).

And, on to the questions, I must answer. And, yeah, I'm going to post my own questions and tag five other bloggers too... That's how this works. 

1. How many M&Ms could you eat in one sitting? Round up.

Six hundred, I swear to Zues my demand could go higher than their supply.

2. Do you own an iPhone, and why/why not?

I own a Berry, and no I will not join the war on which one is "the better phone." Although, I really should, because it's fun to rouse the rabbles and watch them get all uppity about their toys.

3. Describe the first time you were aware that you had feelings for me that went beyond the "Criminal suspect" feelings that the Police have for me.

I'm picturing a certain friend of mine right now (your wife), one of my best friends actually, dressed as a female version of Rambo.... Storming over continents, and heading straight to my house. So yeah, I have NO feelings for you, besides that of sisterly love. (Pssst... Let's set up some secret email accounts and discuss this further).

4. Describe the one t-shirt that you should have thrown away five years ago, but you still inexplicably find in your t-shirt drawer.

Remind me to describe in detail the impact OCD has had on my closet. 

5. Why did the new Twilight movie make 30 million dollars in 3 hours?

I personally believe... that the producers of Twilight are able to do so... because... Uh... some people out there in your nation don't have books... And... uh... I believe that your movie industry, like such as in South Africa and... uh... the Iraq, everywhere, like, such as... And I believe that they should... Your Twilight movie over there in the U.S. should help the U.S... uh...Or, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries... So you will be able to build up your movies... for your children.

And my five questions for my blogger friends are.

1. Why do you think homophobic people always feel that gay sex is just a stepping stone away from sex with goats?

2. How many friends do you have on your Facebook friends list?

3. How many of them are your real friends?

4. Your first teacher crush was? Describe him/her in detail.

5. Why in the world would young female teens, and middle aged mothers find a sparkly virgin vampire hot?

Tagging.

Desperately Searching for my Inner Mary Poppins

Lurking in Ambush

Manic Motherhood

Pajamas and Coffee

Deadpan Thoughts

Gather Christians!

Do I really want to go down this path?

Oh yes I do!

And, why?

No reason, just sitting here on a Saturday afternoon while my brood, well OK two cannot be a brood, but saying 'my pair' could cause those twisted minds to think I'm referring to my..... feet. So, while my twins (do I hear applause from fellow "blessed because we're special" twin mamas?) are probably enjoying their last afternoon with electricity at their grandma's place. After Phet hits us tonight, we know there won't be power, we know KESC will take it all very personally and probably not restore power for a week, we know Karachi will be flooded beyond belief, and we know the poor and homeless will be dying out there, while we sit and lament about no electricity and internet. Our phones will die and OMG it'll be like experiencing another Facebook ban! How will we survive?

Who cares? This post is about Christianity.

Oh no it isn't.

Oh yes, it bloody well is.

Well, to be fair it's about Catholics in Karachi.

So, if all denominations would like to join in and read, please take your places as if in heaven, and pretend you're the only ones with the True Word. And, Catholics please don't scramble for the front row seats... I know you have the basilica and all that expensive art, but there's no need to be snotty about it.

Are you getting your children ready to receive their First Holy Communion in a few years? Is the question I've been getting asked by a lot of people lately.

No, we're Satan worshipers!

Kidding fundies, please don't burn me at the stake.

Well, I really haven't thought about it. OK I have. Once. I mean which Christian raised (in Karachi) woman in her right mind would not think of her child's FHC? Where shall we have the reception? Will the guest list exceed 500 people? Who will design and make my daughter's first time virginal white dress? Will my family in the U.S/Canada/London/UAE offer to send us the flowers and candles? Must rush off to Khori Garden to check for just the right ceramic figurines for the giveaways. Who's the best cake maker? And speaking of cakes, there simply must be a centerpiece above it waiting to rain down confetti, when the cake is cut and champagne is popped, while drum rolls and cymbal songs crash out of the over sized speakers set up in strategic locations around the Sheraton's Darbar ballroom. Open bar? But, of course! That's a tradition we can never forgo on.... Our grandfathers would haunt us from their graves if we did.

Just in case you're wondering, I really am discussing First Holy Communions in the Catholic community of Karachi, not weddings. Note, I said 'Not weddings."

The season is nearly upon us now as a few hundred parents around Karachi are busy spending all of their summer, preparing for the FHCs in the fall. I've ordered my daughter's dress from ETC Collections, one over zealous mother informed me smugly a couple of weeks ago. The dresses are expensive this year, starting at around Rs. 15,000 and reaching nearly 25,000 or more.

Insert classic jaw-drops-to-the-floor moment, or in my world the typical OMGWTF-is-she-talking-about? moment.

Oh Trevor! (as in the Trevor Castellino, creator, designer, and overall head honcho of ETC Collections). How far you've come!

But, where are we going?

And, when I say 'we', I really mean they (as in them). Because, no way in all the raging fires of Satan's lair would I pay that much for a dress for my daughter's FHC, a time might I add, when she's supposed to be receiving the... ahem body of Christ for the first time.

Ballrooms? Really? To celebrate a spiritual sacrament of the church by a child who barely understands what is going on?

*Roars of disapproval from the front row Catholics.*

Of course they understand!!!!! They're all of nine years old! They understand what it means to accept Christ into their hearts, through a wafer on the tongue. They get it and you're a cynical bitch!

You bet your ass I am.

But, it doesn't take away from the fact that little Melissa has no frickin clue what she's doing. None, nada. Because, what she really cares about (and you Khi Catholics know I'm right) is that she'll be all pretty in gauzy white that day, with a wreath of flowers on her head, and low heeled, white patent leather dancing shoes on her feet. She's also counting the gift money btw, and will inwardly curse at Aunty Josephine and others like her, who gift pretty pink rosaries and prayer books. Although not as much as her mother does about her shocking pink banarasi sari and six inch high golden slippers, for the mass... For the reception it'll be form fitting, red silk, with courtesy plunging neckline and stilettos

Where's daddy?

On the phone with the booze supplier.

Where will daddy be on that day?

Looking uncomfortable in a three piece suit at the church, and sweating profusely. And, later at the reception, simultaneously guarding and guzzling the booze.

Our Father, who art in heaven

What kind of a father have you given me here on earth?

Where was I going with this?

Right! Am I getting my children ready for this? I guess the answer for me at the moment is, a resounding no.

No, I am not getting my kids ready to receive their FHC, no I do not want to join this particular herd of "must have confetti" and "My daughter's dress is more expensive than yours neener neener" bullshit crowd. I'm naturally competitive yes, but never at the expense of my kids.

I still have a few years to decide, and my decision will be based on whether I consider it the right time for my kids spiritually or not. Not silk and fluff.

Break the bullshit tradition... That's what I do.

So Catholics.... Lay off!