Cinderella is a Bitch... Poor Cinders!

So, again... Hyper moms worried about the little phases their kids go through, in the corporate world's attempt to take over our childrens lives, and ruin them completely.

Completely!!

But, it's really our daughters we should worry about, well because you know... Some feminists say so. Beware of the pink, the fluffy, the glitter... The goddamn Disney princesses!! They will eat your daughters, as Peggy Orenstein so dramatically tells us.

Cinderella is a bitch!

Protect your daughters people, because girls need to be protected right? They're weak, easily influenced, not like boys who are tougher and never want to grow up to be princes, or knights in shining armor. Not since that little fucker Lightening McQueen zoomed onto a screen, and forever changed the way little boys view their body parts anyway.

My daughter likes pink, and purple. She also like princess dresses.

And, dirt.

But, according to Peggy, it's only possible for girls to play in dirt wearing princess dresses.  

“Just because little girls wear the tulle does not mean they’ve drunk the Kool-Aid. Plenty of them shoot baskets in ball gowns or cast themselves as the powerful evil stepsister bossing around the sniveling Cinderella.”   

Umm ball gowns? 

This is how she views females?

I have nothing more to say about that, because the purpose of this post was to list the evil commercial world's plot to take over my son's brain, and turn him into a cartoon character. I've witnessed so many phases in my son's life of six years, I'm actually terrified he'll become "confused" when he grows up... Because...

1. Diego Ate my Son
2. Lightening McQueen Ate my Son
3. Spiderman Ate my Son
4. Batman Ate my Son
5. Multiple Personality Disorder, aka Ben10 Ate my Son

Hell, at least my daughter will look pretty in her ball gowns. My son on the other hand, will grow up to look like this if he had his way.

What is the color pink compared to that?

Any feminists care to create a stink about that?

And, can we PLEASE let kids be kids... When they're kids?

Thank you!

Is it Wrong?

That every time my kids talk about stuff they're going to do when they grow up, like get married (their newest favorite thing to talk about) or become three or more of the six hundred things they want to be when they're older, or back talk adults because now they're kids and have to be "prespectful" (respectful) and "all that stuff grown ups think is how kids should be" ***insert gagging noises*** I remind them that it can happen only if they go to college first?

B was talking to the neighbor the other day, and she asked that typical adult to child question. "So what do you want to be when you grow up?" His standard response this month has been "A ROCK STAR." Up till last month, he wanted to be a red sports car, and the month before, a red dragon. This kid is obsessed with the color red, and I swear his TV time is limited. So, she's just about to alter the look of amusement on her face, (what would she have thought, had he told her her wanted to be a computer game and live in a monitor?) when he follows with "But, I have to go to Rock College first." She: Do you mean music school? He: No, Rock College is where rockers go to learn all about becoming Rock Stars.... You can't do anything in life if you don't go to college you know............ My mom says so."

He sounded like a parrot. His eyes took on a glassy look. How often do I say those words to my five year olds? How much am I brainwashing my kids? And, do they know when I say college, I really mean therapy?

Because, that's what J and I are saving for.

The Imaginary Child Prodigy!

A couple of days ago while sorting through some old papers, I came across a few drawings made by my daughter, which really should have been in her box file and not mine. But, when I turned it over I knew why I had kept it. It was the first colored picture she made of the two of us together. In typical four year old style, there were two stick figures (even though I'm no stick), both with flowing long hair, and triangle looking dresses which I know she'll one day argue are "A line and cool." As I stared at the picture, smiling at the butterflies she had drawn in the background, which really resemble ants marching across the page, I noticed she had spent considerable time paying attention to detail. The shoes on both our feet (also looking like ants marching) matched, and they contrasted with our dresses, which also matched each other, while the butterflies matched the color of the dresses and shoes. "She's a regular Picasso" I thought to myself, or rather "Valentino, watch out!"

She happily attended Art Camp last year with her brother, and I ran out of places to display all sorts of strange and wonderful pieces of art they created every.single.day! We smile, we gush, we tell them it looks "FABULOUS" while racking our brains trying to guess what it really is, because they're standing there, looking at us all excited and gleeful. And, if you don't guess correctly, you're screwed!

Children are wonderful creatures.

And, they're not all geniuses!

So, now I'm going to slide into the rant you knew was coming. Mothers who give birth to budding Picassos aka child prodigies. And, I'm not talking about real child prodigies! I'm talking about the imaginary ones, some mothers insist are several cuts above their counterparts. Have you seen an oil painting done by a two year old?

I was gifted one.

It must be so satisfying to dip your child's fingers in oil paint and then forcibly drag it across a canvas, to create a riot of colors designed to look childlike, yet professional.

Who are they kidding? Other moms?

Moms who are almost daily presented with some piece of art, or a pebble dripping ink, or a cupcake with teeth dents in it, and a proud voice saying "Look Mommy, I made train tracks on the muffin!" Are they trying to kid those mothers? Well, we're not being fooled for a second.

Your child is not a genius, and you need to give it a rest. Or rather give little Jane a piece of paper and some crayons and let her draw stick figure pictures of her grandparents. Allow your child to be a child, and get over your stupid desire to raise perfect children, when you yourself are average or below that.

Stop caking their faces with makeup at beauty pageants when they're 4 years old! Or even 10. Forcing them to attend the dance classes they loathe, because you one day dreamed of being a ballerina is ridiculous. And, just because your great-uncle Jim strums a guitar at family get togethers, while singing off key, does not mean musical talent runs in your family. Doing their homework is not cool either.

And, don't even get me started on extremist red-shirting plans, when they should have started Kindergarten two years ago.

Of course people have the right to raise their kids how they want to. But, I wish these mothers would stop for a minute and think of the damage they're doing to their own child. Forget about the rest of us with kids who are just average, and might one day surprise us with some hidden talent. Think of how much your little one thinks they have to live up to? How insecure they must feel, because they know it's really Mommy who drew the picture for the competition she insisted they enter. How do you think she feels not being appreciated for who she is, and what she can do?

You're far from perfect, just like the rest of us.

Don't expect perfection from your kids.

And, then.. They Were Five!

Dear B&H,

I don't think there is a twin parent alive who could properly describe how they felt, when they heard the words "You're having twins" uttered by their doctor, at that first ultra-sound. Eyes, widen, pupils dilate, heart races, while your brain struggles to process the true meaning of those three little words.

It cannot.

And, it doesn't really "get it" till much later.

But, it's something which cannot be described. I could never tell you both what it truly means to have been pregnant with two at the same time, what it felt like when I first saw your scrunched up little red faces, which seemed to say "Hey, we're here, now what?" How awed I was by the tiny sizes of both of you, who each fit from fingertip to just short of an elbow. So small, but so powerful... And, cute.

That's it. You two were cute and powerful. It's like you had superpowers because you were so cute, or so cute because you had superpowers. I could never tell, because it's difficult to figure it out, when you have two babies just lying in their cribs looking all cute and powerful.

How you completely took over our lives, and brought about a world we never dreamed existed, proved you had power. You controlled us with all that cuteness! It was like you both arrived and said "Right then, let's get to it. We're here, we're cute, now we'll sleep, then we'll scream for sustenance, then we'll sleep again, then we'll poop, and then we'll sleep some more. And, you all just enjoy our cuteness while we're at it."

I honestly had always just imagined, changing a baby's diaper was no big deal, till I was swimming in boxes of new diapers, and pails of dirty ones. Thankfully you both always had your poop timings down pat... Always ten minutes from the other, which gave me plenty of time to change you both without too much fussing. Still, I never thought the endless diaper changing cycle would end.

Funny, how I sort of miss that now.

And, just so you know. Moms of twins never sleep during the first year, and you two never.let.me.sleep!

But, I love you!

Now suddenly, you're all grown up, and on days like today, all I seem to be doing is reminiscing. First smiles, first teeth, first steps, first words, first diaper explosion, first arguments, first pee in the potty, first tantrums. We had a lot of firsts with you two, and never much time between the two. And, no I shall never tell who did what first. Those facts will remain hidden from you both for a long, long time. It's in your best interests, and mine. Because, I LIKE having two children not trying to kill each other!

Anyway, we're headed into a new chapter with you, and I can't wait to see what more power you two can wield over us. I'm excited knowing how wonderful it will be for you to be "grown up" and hope you will always inform me of everything you do, like you do now. I know one day you'll have secrets from me, but remember... What mommy doesn't know, mommy always finds out."

For now, I promise to always cherish your beautiful smiles, your giggles, the breathtaking picture you make, when you hold hands and run towards me with huge cheesy grins when I come pick you both up from school. And, how you don't stop talking a mile a minute after you manage to hug whichever part of my body you can reach. I will always cherish the little scraps of paper with "I 'heart' u momy' one or both of you spend hours coloring in my favorite colors, right along with your twin hugs and kisses, our crazy lunch time tales, and requests to be read 'Gordon Takes a Tumble' every night of the week. Always twice.

I will always cherish you both for what you are individually, and together.

Happy 5th Birthday!

Love,
Mommy

Ben 10 Alien Swarm - Coming Soon

He didn't win a battle, when it came to getting my permission to watch Ben10 on Cartoon Network (aka Crap Network). He's lucky, because Mama must admit she quite likes little Ben10 herself, and teenage Ben10, and Ben10 Alien Force, just as much as he does. Yes, Mama is a fan of a kids' cartoon show, and may or may not watch it even if the kids aren't home. Admit it, you all watch the Backyardigans, or The Wiggles, and even Dora the Explorer... And, you all find yourself humming their songs while you shower.... Ha!! So, don't judge me!

So, you want to really bond with your almost five year old son? Ben10 will do it for you.

Ben is not as big an obsession as Lightning McQueen. Oh no, no NO... NEVER! Because, Lightning is the coolest, most bestest sports car in the whole universe, and when all little boys grow up, they want to be red racing cars with cocky grins, and '95' tattooed on their abs.

Ka-Chow!

But, back to Ben, the average kid with a powerful watch type device, which turns him into an alien fighting... alien. Ben, also has a cousin Gwen, who has "pink" super powers, so at our house the show is loved by both male and female child alike. And, of course Mommy. So, when that damn Cartoon Network begins advertising the November release of Ben10 Alien SWARM, it's almost as bad as all those suburban moms anxiously awaiting the release of New Moon.... At our house at least.

All, I've been hearing for the last few weeks out of B is "Is it November yet?"

At first I thought the kid was just excited because their birthday is in November, but later I realized Cartoon Network is advertising Ben10 Alien SWARM (not yelling, that's how it's titled on CN) like crazy. And today, they decided to take it one step further, by announcing a contest! How fun is that?

Not fun at ALL! (Now, I'm yelling).

The upcoming contest, requires kids to watch Cartoon Network, from Mon-Fri all through November. If they do, they get details of the contest, and a chance to win fabulous action figures and a Ben10 wrist device. All through November... Every single weekday evening. Schools are being left in the dust, let me tell you. Parents don't stand a chance either. We need to get off our collective "Here's your appreciation certificate" or "Here's a sticker for being good" asses, and stock up on action figures!

Or, we're going to lose.

But, right now, I really don't care. There's less than a week left for October to end, and those action figures look really cool.. So, off my high horse I get, because...

Well, I like action figures too.

***snerk***

Hostile to Halloween? Um.. What?

"Halloween has strong roots in paganism and is closely connected with worship of the Enemy of this world, Satan. It is a holiday that generally glorifies the dark things of this world, rather than the light of Jesus Christ, The Truth."

Well then, how can I read something like that and not respond to it, right?

So, this eeeeevil festival of... Candy? Costumes? Jack-o-Lanterns and fun? Satan worshiping? Really?

Shut up!

Seriously, you nutty, over the top, crazy, religious (Christian) people. Just.shut.up.

I'm not going to get into the history of this festival, and how it originated in pagan times blah blah blah. It's all commercial fun now (at least in America it is), and I don't see why it should be such a big deal to Christians. Oh wait, some of them don't approve of the "pagan traditions" and all that. But, they won't stop participating in all those traditions, and rituals the church adopted from the pagans themselves generations ago, then twisted around and merged into Christianity. Christmas and Easter anyone?

Why do some of these religious types insist on keeping worms up their butts? They really shouldn't. It makes them irritable and mean. And, when that happens, they start attacking all the fun stuff this world has to offer us. They want people to stop dressing their kids up in cute costumes, and going out to get free candy from neighbors, they want to burn Harry Potter books, and put condom manufacturers out of business. It's all very sad. And to think, all they would have to do to stop behaving like freakazoids, is take a dose or two of some deworming med. That's not asking too much of them right?

So, anyway... Halloween. We celebrate it every year! We also celebrate Eid and Diwali and Christmas with Santa Claus. You know that big old imaginary guy in a red suit? And, we all know how red is the devil's color, and that Satan really just stuffs himself with food for months before December, gets really fat, adds some white trim to his clothes, and gives kids tons of toys, which brainwash them and make them hate God.

That's what we do. So, when my son decided he wanted to dress up as Jesus this Halloween, I had to say no. "Can't combine religion with heathen practices", I told him. "What's religion?" he asked. "That's a question only grandma can answer" I replied. "Do you know anything?" he muttered. "Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog..." I chanted on my way out of them room, and followed that with an evil cackle, while he cowered in fear, of the whipping he knew was coming.

Later they both told me they wanted to dress up as Ben 10, and one of the Power Puff girls. B was Ben 10 last year, so when he saw his pictures from 08, he promptly decided he wanted to be Ben 10 Alien SWARM instead of regular old, boring Ben 10. Five minutes later, he wanted to be Lightning McQueen... Um That is SO not happening dude! Try again. H of course kept changing her mind too. But, that's only because they're designed to combine their indecision, and make life even more interesting for me than it usually is.

We have less than a week left... Their costumes, after many, MANY suggestions, arguments, tears, laughter and yelling, are nearly ready. There will be no more better ideas, no more planning. Just lots of scary cookie baking, and decorating.

And... All's quiet on the Christian front too.

They must be busy bottling the Holy Water, to douse us with on the 31st.

When I Grow Up

Me: So what do you want to be when you grow up Brandon?

B: I want to be like daddy

Me: A teacher like daddy?

B: No, just like daddy

Me: Can you explain?

B: Because you're his wife

Me: And?

B: I want a nice wife!

He melts his mommy's heart! :)

So...

H: Mommy, can we have a new baby?
Me: Um why?
H: Because I want one
Of course, because everything is just that simple
Me: Would you like a new doll?
Notice my feeble attempt to change the course of this discussion
H: No mommy, not a doll (wrinkles her nose in disgust) a REAL baby
Me: Why do you want a baby?
H: Because I like babies
Me: That's nice
H: So can you buy me one?
Me: You can't buy babies sweetie
H: Oh.....
I pause to take a deep breath, because like it or not I know it's coming.......... BHAM
H: Where do babies come from?
Me: From mommies tummies
H: (Puzzled look) How do they get there?
Please, not this from my three year old, not now, not for another decade!
Me: Well.........
B: Hey, watcha guys doing?
Phew
H: We can't buy a new baby, mommy has to put one in her tummy
B: Oh... Can I watch some TV mommy?
Me: Sure son
B: Let's go H
H: Ok... bye Mommy
Me: Bye sweetie
Thank you my son.

Moments Like This!

As I was tucking them into bed a little while ago, B requested a song (as usual). I asked which one he wanted me to sing, and he said 'Little Einsteins'. So I sang the song... Yes I know the whole thing, and what's more... I know all the songs from all their favorite TV programs, and I may or may not be guilty of singing those songs while I do some laundry, or shower. LOL

After the song, I kissed him and said goodnight... he put his arms around my neck and said "Thank you mommy, you sing the best songs, and you're my favorite mommy in the whole wide world... I love you the most."

Definitely goes down as one of my best "mommy moments."

Like Father, Like Son!

The kids walked into the room while I was hooking up my bra. So H says "mommy you have big boobies" and B said "so does daddy" (weird huh? LOL) Then they went on to say that they both had small boobies.

And then B says "I like big boobies, yours are nice mommy"

I have no doubts he will be exactly like J when he grows up. LOL

The Clock!!

B still cannot say "clock" so he says "cock". J's alarm clock had a piece missing, and B just found it. He said..."Look mommy, I found the thing for daddy's cock". "Here you go, you can fix it back on his cock.. and then it'll be ALL better".

Later when I told J about it, he didn't believe me... anyway, I sent B over to tell him about the clock, and he said ""Daddy... look mommy fixed your cock and now it's ALLLL better.. right?"

The look on J's face was priceless!!